Hate your job? Do you pump gas? Flip burgers? Sell t-shirts to mall rats? Worry not- while your job might suck- it’s not truly the pits. What could possibly be worse than the smell of gasoline on your flannel shirt, grease splashing in your eyes or two dozen unsolicited requests for your phone number a day? I have a simple and unequivocal answer- try selling fucking minor league baseball tickets to foreign nationals, in January, in the snow belt(upstate New York). So this fucking fuck from the local half-assed, flyball dropping, double play bobbling, bad news bearesque, minor league baseball embarrassment that we call the Red Wings keeps calling my cell phone trying to sell me tickets.

Who the fuck wants to buy baseball tickets when there’s three feet of snow outside and the Superbowl is next week. Where do they recruit these people? Are they from homeless shelters or do they just clone them? Do they have belly buttons? “Millions of Sales Reps, Sales Reps for me, Millions of Sales Reps, Sales Reps for a fee - here we go…” So anyway I’ve found the best way to eliminate such nuisances is to allow my secretary (Rob), who is perpetually intoxicated, to answer the call in an Eastern block accent, in his best outdoor voice. Rob…uhm…my secretary politely informed the sales loser that Mr. Ku-aaah-ku-kun Kunty Tankatrucks was on the shitter and unable to take the call. I doubt I’ll be hearing from him again. But in fairness to this beleaguered hawker of fourth-rate entertainment packages, I would be remiss not to include his contact information. If anyone is interested in watching a set of washed up, ex-community college all stars butcher America’s pastime please contact Mark McGwire at 585-546-7942 ext 3004 or email him at imnotgoingtobeinthehalloffame@becauseimafuckingcheater.com.

I went to McDonald’s because I had a buy one, get one. So we drove up and ordered: one Quarter Pounder Meal, two Big Macs, one cheeseburger and a small fry. This is what we hear from the speaker… We’re out of Big Mac buns. Would you like a Big Mac on a Quarter Pounder Bun? Whatever. McDonald’s being out of Big Mac buns is like your corner ghetto mart being out of Magnum 40s and Kools. Anyway, 40 fucking minutes later… I’m at the booth handing in my coupon… this 36-year-old reject from a 1992 Wu-Tang Clan video says he didn’t hear me say I had a coupon. So what if he didn’t fucking hear me, I fucking have one in my bloody hand. I guess he also didn’t hear me saying he should have gotten his GED 18 years ago. Anyway, this fucking French fry jockey is obviously deaf and dumb. If I wanted this level of service I could have easily gotten a Wendy’s finger chili, Taco Bell E. Coli or a Burger King whopper case of diarrhea. Suffice to say I feel like I just got my poo-pushed in by the Hamburglar. So next time your at the McDonald’s drive-thru bring your TEC-9 and spray all the retards in the kitchen and drive away humming I’m lovin’ it.

NOTE: No minimum wage retards were harmed by this rant any more than by their mother’s nine-month coke, speed and alcohol binge.

While this is not a political forum by any stretch of the imagination, I found the following excerpt from the President’s State Of The Union address quite compelling.

So without further delay

Ladies and Gentlemen–The President Of The United States Of America…

For all of you that watched the State of the Union last night let me just say… That I’m sure the hordes of people that have a commute everyday will quit their jobs today. They have to since we must use less gas, the President told them to. I’m glad that at this country’s time of economic distress there’s a guy that support MORE people going on welfare. Meanwhile on the other side of the pond others are taking a more thoughtful approach. Anyway then he speaks about the temporary worker program idea “as a result, they won’t have to sneak in.” Meanwhile I’m flipping through channels watching his address on El Capitolio hill on Telemundo….pst…. they’re already here. As well, he seemed to finally realize that global warming existed, that we need to balance the budget, and provide health care for the needy, no shit. He also wants to send more troops to Iraq and wants to fight AIDS in Africa, good Angelina Jolie and Bono could use your help Georgie. Suddenly he cares about black people, if it helped boost celebrity popularity why not yours too right? I got a popularity booster for you WIN THE WAR, do whatever you have to, end it. New policy: if some guy in Iraq is walking around with a gun and doesn’t have an American flag patch on his shoulder, shoot him. Innocent people in a war zones do not carry guns, see WWI and WWII for details. Fuck the Geneva convention, because people are dying and the faster it ends the more American and Iraqi lives will be saved.

Taking a trash can from an unsuspecting neighbor: $0
Sprinting with the trashcan on your back: $0
Watching the trash can float down the river: priceless

These are some things we found that fell off the back of a truck (right…):

UPDATE: This just in… the back of my car, would you like a slurpee

Dear Mr.Gates,

I had a great day today, I spoke with a light-bulb turning , happy dancing, curry reeking, fuck from India. He said his name was Bup, after being on hold for 4 hours, Bup told me absolutely nothing I needed to know, Jon’s Windows installation still does not work. Then I got transfered to level 2 and spoke to Jarje, fuck Jarje and his family. So next time you call Microsoft, press 7 to have you customer service representative stabbed to death with a spoon. For further options press 9 for a video tape of the stabbing in Hi-Def and slow-motion. Soundtrack provided by Jay-Z and Johnny Cash, for more information go to:

www.abunchofdirtyfuckingindiansworkformicrosoftsoforgetabout
beinghelpedinlessthan17days.com

Now Mr. Gates with your 40 billion and change, you fucking turd, I hope your child gets an incurable STD while i remain on hold.

Love,
angry romanian
xoxo

There are certain types of food and drink that should not be mixed
I think the best way to make my point would be to present it in the form of an equation

a whole lot of Sake + raw fish + quite a few Captain and Cokes + an under cooked “street meat” sausage = 1 shitty assed day at work the next morning!!!!!!!

If you’re missing something from your yard-please take note
Chances of getting it back are quite remote

Grabbed it have we
To throw in the Genesee

In a game called “Will It Float”