In 2012, a devastating virus eliminates the world’s population of Canis lupus familiaris…AKA the domesticated dog. Millions mourn the loss of their pets, K9 Police units scratch their heads and think “fuck…how do we maul minorities now and get away with it?”, and drug smugglers worldwide celebrate by bringing exceptionally large shipments of cocaine right under the noses of border patrols.

Unfortunately, we will probably never experience this. Even if a virus was to infect every dog on the planet, dogs are too stupid to die. I once totaled a 1986 Ford Escort hitting a German Sheppard. The German Sheppard ran away yelping, and was back playing in the road nearly 24 hours after being hit at 60 mph by a ton of sheetmetal and glass. Any other animal on the planet would know that its time had come. I did not receive this gratification, however. That fucking animal has been hit 5 times since, and still plays in the road.

While most people see a soft little puppy and say “aww…its so cute!”, I think “aww…it’s nowhere near a major highway or a running woodchipper”. By now it’s no secret that I despise dogs. They are stupid, bad smelling, disgusting creatures. They are a pestilence, along with the people that would own such a repulsive creature.

Several weeks ago, during the hottest stretch of weather Western NY has seen in some time, an opossum was hit in front of my house. After three days of baking in the 95+ degree sun, it swelled like a balloon, and burst open sending its rotting organ juice all over the road. What I then witnessed will continue to haunt me for the entirety of my life. On the 4rth day of opossum cookout, two of my neighbor’s lab-mix dogs smelled this carrion and ran over to inspect. The first dog (which I will call Dog #1), discovering that it was the most rancid and disgusting thing on the entire planet, began to chow down on the half decayed carcass. The rotting meat was so revolting that the dog’s body instantly rejected it. The forceful puking of the dog can only be compared to that of a high-speed train derailing into an orphanage full of children wearing grey fur coats. The second dog (Dog #2…bet you didn’t see that coming…) then decided to give it a try, and began to lap up the opossum vomit from the first dog. It also threw up, at which point Dog #1 tried to ingest the opossum again…unsuccessfully.

Both dogs decided that because this rotten animal smelled so good, they had both better roll in it, as well as the vomit from each dog. And they did. But my story does not end there.

My neighbor, upon seeing the dogs in the middle of my street, yelled “Hey! Do your business!” which prompted the dogs to return to their yard. In the front yard, Dog #1 then took a steaming shit while Dog #2 watched attentively. As dog logic would predict, Dog #2 ran right over and devoured the ENTIRE pile of dog shit while Dog #1 licked the butthole of Dog #2. Awesome.

*note. If this dog could eat 2 pounds of dog shit without a problem, this dead animal must have been foul to a level that I cannot even imagine. I just threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it. Anyways. To my point here.

Any animal like this should not have a place on this Earth. Yet, dog owners embrace these repugnant beasts, relishing the dog-owner lifestyle. But why? The answer is quite simple. Most people are fucking idiots, and owning a dog makes them feel less worthless. Owning a dog is like a 24/7 self esteem boost. The guy who came up with the “man’s best friend” saying didn’t have any friends, except his dog (who really only enjoyed licking the peanut butter off of his owner’s penis.) Owning a dog is like pity sex that hardcore WOW enthusiasts might someday have; it’s a hope for an utterly insignificant human being. I place dog owners in the same category as people swindled by phishing scams, people who voted for “the Dubbaya”, and people who listen to country music.

If you own a dog, take pride in the fact that someday you will die.