Angry Romanian

About 3 years ago I burnt my mouth on a cup of extremely hot coffee. I had stopped into a local coffee shop, and without thinking about it took a sip of the coffee without letting it cool off first. You have all undoubtedly burnt your mouths before, so you understand me when I say that it Really. Fucking. Hurt. The worst part of burning your mouth is that you are unable to eat anything for several days afterwards, without some severe discomfort (discomfort like the time my roommate put Tabasco sauce in my masturbatory lubrication without telling me). Anyways, moving on.

Coffee is like pornography: most people like it enough to enjoy it daily (or sometimes many times a day). Everybody has a different preference, and there are always those people that are strongly against it for no good reason. The bottom line here is that Americans love their coffee. And porno. Moving on.

When I recently read that coffee temperatures will rise another 9 degrees on average in major cafes and coffee chains, I sit back and ask “why the fuck for??” Isn’t coffee hot enough? Well apparently not. I can only assume that my level of coffee enjoyment has not increased to the point where coffee too fucking hot to drink is enjoyable. Call me crazy, but I don’t mind when the coffee is at a temperature that doesn’t remove the skin from my mouth. I know those Pro-Mouth Skin activists are annoying as hell with their picketing and little signs, but I have to agree with them here. If I wanted to destroy the skin in my mouth, I’d swish with bleach for 40 seconds.

Back to my original point. The reason I burnt my mouth so badly was that I did not know that the coffee had been freshly brewed at “surface of the sun” temperature setting. The reason I didn’t know the coffee’s temp because it had one of those trendy little “I’m a posh fucktard” cardboard sleeve over the cup. Its purpose is to keep your hand from getting bur…wait, wtf, if the fucking coffee is hot enough to burn my hand, how the fuck is my mouth supposed to withstand it? Does this make sense to anybody?? I don’t know about you guys, but the skin on my hand is a lot more fucking resilient than the skin in my mouth (unless I just had a Herps outbreak…those scabs are like fiberglass insulation for the mouth without the itching!)

As a preventative measure, I suggest that coffee manufacturers provide cute little cardboard sleeves to fit over your tongue to prevent initial combustion from exposure to the 7 million degree liquid. The smoldering cardboard will add a bit of a nut-like finish, similar to the ever popular Tim Horton’s Oak Barrel Aged Smoked Salmon flavored coffee.

I think I am on to something here.