Cats are phenomenal creatures. They are intelligent, ferocious animals which spend a great deal of their time relaxing and keeping themselves clean. They are self sufficient in many different climates, and are the only completely domesticated animal that can make the transition back to the wild successfully. Per pound they are stronger than dogs and horses, they comprise the fastest 4 legged animals on earth, and can kill a variety of prey twice their size with retractable, razor sharp claws and jaws strong enough to crush bone.

The most stunning attribute, however, is the “Cat Algorithm”. If you have owned a cat or been around a cat while moving something, you know what this is already. Let me explain, for you dog lovers who are amazed by “chew expensive shoes” and “shit on the new carpet” tricks.

A cat is able to calculate the precise location of each step you take before you have even made that step, and move to that exact location. The Cat Algorithm only comes into play, however, if one or more of these pre-requisites are met:

1. You are walking and not paying attention to the ground below you.
2. It is night time.
3. You are carrying something messy, cumbersome, heavy, or a priceless family heirloom.
4. You have recently had Lasik corrective surgery.
5. You are trying to sneak out of the house without your parents/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife hearing.
6. You are going up or down stairs.

Even more remarkable is the fact that the Cat Algorithm increases in speed and accuracy as additional conditions are satisfied. For example, your chances of stepping on a cat in the dark will be much greater if you are carrying a large bowl of steaming, hot tomato sauce than if you were not. This rule also applies to multiple cats, as each successive attempted step can induce an additional cat in your walking path.

The Cat Algorithm was first documented in 1837, after French tightrope walker Jean Piot fell to his death attempting to span the Eiffel Tower and a helicopter. Piot was seeking to break the record while juggling a running chainsaw, an iPhone, and a bowl of Cinnamon Life cereal with milk. Three minutes into the walk however, Jean’s cat appeared suddenly on the rope in the exact location of his next step. Piot, stepping on the cat, lost his balance and fell to his death. His cat however, landed on his feet, and then killed a mime which had been mistaken for a large fugitive mouse. This same cat would later lead the French army into victory in the War of 1812 against zee Germans. Kraut bastards.

So you ask…Ruko, what are we to do?!?!?! Do not fear my friends, as the FDA has just announced that a cat safe Quaalude will be available as a means of drugging your cats to retard this algorithm. In the meantime, be sure to watch your step and think twice about moving furniture up stairs at night.

Cheers.