Today I witnessed what could have been the single most amazing thing ever, yet it was not to be. As I sat waiting at a stop light, a boy of about 8 years old became distracted while riding his bike. As his bike began to wobble back and forth, a large truck accelerated through the intersection to beat a waning yellow light. In an attempt to gain control, the boy merged off the sidewalk towards the road and towards a 2 ½ ton speeding GMC. Time slowed to nearly a standstill. My hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel, expecting to see the boy instantly transformed into human jelly, garnishing the truck’s grill like apple chutney on a pork loin. Instead, the curb twisted the front bike tire, sending the boy tumbling onto the grass median between the road and sidewalk.
I already know what you are thinking…”dude, you are a sick motherfucker”. You would be correct in that assumption. While I would have felt bad for the boy for a couple of hours, his death would have a strong affect on this country. All people die, and some people die in a grotesque manner. When little kids die in a grotesque manner, it tends to attract the publics attention.
The distraction that caused this near accident was a cellular telephone. The young boy nearly rolled into his own gruesome death because a most awesome text message prevented his other hand from steering him away from the road. This kid is probably half the legal driving age, but has a cell and was using it while riding a bike. Ironically enough, the driver of the truck was also distracted by a cell phone glued to his ear. I don’t believe that he is even aware that he almost crushed the frail body of an eight year old boy with his excessively large truck. Both people were in their own electronic worlds, oblivious to reality.
Had this accident occurred, I would be the first one in line to make a statement to the police. I would gladly tell police that asshole “A” in truck could have prevented the accident but was much too busy talking to asshole “B” at the other end. I would be right there on the stand in court, begging the court to impose nothing less than a manslaughter prison sentance for this man. I would then explain to the mourning parents exactly why their beloved son careened off of the sidewalk into the path of the sheet metal reaper. My demeanor would be condescending, suggesting that their cell phone purchase for little Joey was a “killer” gift (wocka wocka!) and that their failure as parents will haunt them for eternity.
At first I thought it might be a good idea to impose a minimum age limit for cell phone usage like India’s government has already done. However, the more I thought about this, the more I began to believe that increasing the signal strength in child specific cell phones would be an excellent idea. There is nothing that does growing brain cells good like high intensity radiation. Besides, after a few kids die of agonizing cell phone related brain tumors, maybe the influx of ineffectual parents will see the value in not giving a child a cell phone.
If I ever find a woman willing to carry a child of mine, a cell phone for said child is absolutely out of the fucking question. Instead, I’m gonna give my kid a book of W.B. Yeats or something that will encourage brain growth instead of hampering it.
~Ruko
