I suffer from a medical condition called Axillary Hyperhidrosis. This simply means that I sweat profusely from the armpits.

ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME.

In the dead of winter you can rest assured that I am sweating my balls off (if I had balls in my armpit). I sweat while sleeping, I sweat while showering, I sweat non stop. I have tried nearly every anti perspirant on the planet, including prescription strength deodorant with no avail. The next step for me is to have nerves controlling the sweat glands removed, or to surgically cut out the sweat glands in my armpits. While it really sucks sweating through a clean shirt within 4 minutes, it’s definitely not the worst affliction on the planet. I now consider myself lucky after learning about Intractable Pruritis Ani.

Intractable Pruritis Ani is also known as “itchy ass” and has been mentioned in movies such as “Van Wilder” and “Lion King II”. This lovely problem causes a person’s butthole to itch with intensity so great that it often wakes victims from a dead sleep. Itching it only causes more problems, as the fragile skin there deteriorates rapidly. At this point, the wound begins to ooze interstitial fluid. Soon, infection sets in, which can cause anal seepage and uncontrollable bowel syndrome. Bacteria and fungal infection on site can also lead to hemorrhoids and Recursive Horniplostasis. In short, this disease effectively prevents a human from ever having sex again.

The worst part of this whole ordeal however, is the treatment. Intractable Pruritis Ani is treated with a topical solution of 8-Methyl-N-vanillyl-trans-6-nonenamide (Capsaicin). Capsaicin is the irritant produced by pepper plants which causes the burning sensation in your mouth or any other mucus membranes exposed to the chemical. It is the main ingredient in pepper spray and can cause severe pain and cellular death on contact. This means that treatment of Intractable Pruritis Ani entails rubbing pepper sauce on the swollen asshole of the sufferer. To help deal with the pain of treatment, some people repeatedly stab themselves in the eyeballs with a hot soldering iron.

I started to cry just thinking about it. And I am sweating. And happy about it.