I’ve never been a big fan of football. I enjoy playing it given that the contact is not so rough that I bleed my own blood. I enjoy the Super Bowl parties because of the food and drink. I even enjoy most of the sophomoric prime time Super Bowl commercials. Other than the Super Bowl, I will rarely watch a single football game.

This past Sunday I sat down and had a bowl of Wheaties while my roommate watched the Jets v. Eagles game. After an incomplete pass, the commentators began to talk about the play. The following was their dialogue:

“Oh! He missed that one Tom”
“Yup, he missed it. That was a good pass, but he just couldn’t keep his hands on it”
“He should have had that one. Great pass by Brady”
“You know, by the way he reached out for it, I thought he had it. Right through his hands there.”
“Yup. Right through his hands.”
“That pass was incomplete. They will make an another attempt for the first down”
“it’s no good, and the Eagles are back at the 42. They will have to try for the first down again”

As I listened to this, I wasn’t sure if either commentator was listening to what the other guy had said, or if one commentator wasn’t really sure what was going on. Either way, each comment was nearly identical to the previous statement of the other commentator. It was downright painful; I left before my brain hemorrhaged.

If you are a non football fan that has ever watched a football game or listened to commentary, you completely understand what I am talking about here. They constantly say stupid shit like “the quarterback throws the ball, the receiver catches it. That’s how you play football” or reiterate the play 6 times. I don’t personally know shit about football, but I understand the concept. One white guy throws the ball, a black guy catches it, and a bunch of fat guys try and crush him. If he catches the ball and crosses that little yellow line, both teams move up to that line. Simple.

I could never understand why they need all these people to talk about the game before, during, and after it. I mean, you don’t see this kind of thing on more complicated sports like pool or martial arts. Those commentators barely say anything. Why football?

Then it struck me. It’s all about the fans. Stupid rednecks love their football. You know why you never see the computer geeks at a football game? They don’t give a shit. Watching a bunch of people throw a ball around it boring to us (yeah. I’m a geek. You don’t like? Too fucking bad. It’s the geeks that run this world, bitch.). Not the rednecks though, dey luv dem sum footbal!! They love their Nascar too…they will watch those cars drive around in a circle all day like a cat watching a ceiling fan.

When I say redneck, I really mean stupid people. Redneck is a term I use loosely to describe much of the stupid blue color working class. Rednecks are the people too stupid to make it into college, or lacked the motivation to get an education. Either way, they are both equally as worthless.

Football was in fact created by rednecks in the early 1800’s. After misunderstanding the point of the saying “when pigs fly”, a group of rednecks began to kick a baby pig into the air. The baby pig could not fly, and died once it hit the ground. Seven baby pigs later, the rednecks realized that the mortality rate was greatly decreased if the pigs were caught. For this reason, modern footballs are referred to as “pigskins” even though they are made of cow leather and rubber. Football is bred into rednecks, and they don’t even know it.

Half way through writing this, I began to think that maybe I was wrong and that the two commentators were just idiots. After a quick search I found a youtube video where Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, some unknown asshat, and John Madden are talking about a game. No more than 12.35 seconds into the clip I reconfirmed my hatred for football commentators and went and beat the shit out of my roommate for enjoying football. Fellow editor Douche Nozzle is next~