God Bless America. Fuck the terrorists. Lolerskates @ those crazy old veterans and their outrageous antics.

Serene and peaceful Canandaigua, NY is home to a very old, beautiful VA Hospital. The brick and stone construction is reminiscent of the Ivy League colleges of the Northeast. Hundreds of WWII, Korean War, Vietnam War Veterans are now resident in one of the many copper and slate roofed buildings. Many of these brave soldiers are POWMIA (Prisoners of War/Missing in Action) and have experienced absolutely unspeakable, terrible, abhorrent things. It is no wonder that many of them are absolutely bat shit insane.

In mid afternoon many of the patients were allowed to walk off the premises, similar to a campus leave I suppose. Being that the VA Hospital was only a mile from downtown Canandaigua most would walk and frequent stores and shops located there. These veterans were very old and highly sedated for the most part. The veterans were always obvious by their style of walking called the “Canandaigua Shuffle”. The “Canandaigua Shuffle” is fairly self descriptive; the shuffler swayed from side to side as they walked, more or less dragging their feet on the ground. The shuffle was usually performed either hunched over or leaning way back, face pointed towards the sky. This was so common that residents there quickly became accustomed to it.

In a drunken stupor, several of my friends decided to interview a patient on main street, jamming a camera in his face and asking his opinions on the increasing deer population in the region. Here is his response:

“Not ho-day not ho-day, but maybe on Sunday. Three dollars buys a quart of milk. Lucky sevens lucky sevens if you get three sevens you might win. *mumble mumble* Dang-O Dang-O”

We watched that video at least 300 times. Anyways…you get the idea of the kind of crazy I speak of here. Nothing quite prepares a person for surprise public defecation though, and the first, second, third, and fourth time I saw the same VA patient shitting on the sidewalk, I nearly drove off of the road into a parked car. I am not sure what possessed this man to drop trout in the middle of public view and drop a deuce, but he did it ALL THE TIME. His favorite bathroom locations were the walkway in front of the Byrne Dairy store, or under a sapling outside of the Italian pizza place. What is funny to me is that nobody seemed to care. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t enjoy watching a 76 year old man pinch a loaf, especially while I am eating a slice of pizza on main street. I would think that a man shitting on hot pavement outside of a grocery store would be detrimental to business. Call me crazy.

As it would turn out, one of the guys responsible for taking the video of the village degenerate recently bought a house off of main street. His house was broken into last week by one of these VA patients. Instead of stealing something of value, my friend walked in to see a heavily sedated man standing in front of his television. This man was using my buddy’s toothbrush, his pants were dropped down to his ankles, and he was masturbating to some woman on a QVC commercial. Take a second to picture walking in and finding this in your house. He is now selling his house. Go figure.

Karma bitches, karma.