I’ll tell you what, some weeks this column is a pain in the ass to write - This is not one of those weeks - thanks to ASgamer1084. Never has the fruit hung lower when it comes to humiliating losers online. Here is what Mr. ASSgamer had to say…

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Asgamer1084 wrote (in response to Bieltan’s game review - Kane & Lynch: Dead Men)..yur a fuckin retard. this game rocked. u obviosuly dont know wut a good game looks like

Two minutes later he/she/it wrote..YUR A FUCKIN RETARD THIS GAME WAS AWSOME YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW WUT A GOOD GAME LOOKS LIKE FAGGOT

And finally one minute after that the idiot wrote…FAGGOT FAGGOT

Bieltan Replied…If I were a gambling man, I would say your about 4 years old, judging by your spelling and taste for mediocre game play. Try playing with some Lego’s some time, or better yet a Speak and Spell. Go back to your small hole of existence and learn a thing or two about basic spelling and good games. I know you enjoy sitting there yelling “faggot faggot” behind your 17″ CRT, but every once in a while try going outside or better yet reading a book.

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I would like to thank Bieltan for his measured and well stated response to these comments. I however would like to say to Mr. ASSgamer1084 - GO GO FUCK FUCK YOURSELF YOURSELF YOU YOU PATHETIC PATHETIC PILE PILE OF OF SHIT SHIT!! !!

Peace(sucks)

D.N.

I am still in sheer awe and amazement, how could we have missed this…

I have a great deal of respect for female porn stars. It’s not everyday you find somebody willing to do absolutely disgusting and humbling sexual acts for a grand or two. But why do I like them? It’s not for their silicone enhanced breasts or acting abilities. The answer is simply that they have a fucking awful, degrading job, and they like it. That makes them a better person than myself, because I have a fucking awful job, and I go home and cry myself to sleep every night.

Comparatively, female porn stars have less of a conscience than assassins. It’s true. Female pornstars are well aware that people are viewing their work for one reason, and one reason alone, and they are oddly okay with that. The average hitman leaves the industry after 8 years due to moral issues with the job. Not female porn stars though…they get forced out after approximately 12 years when they start to look old and are no longer marketable. Assassins’ will usually exercise a “no women, no children rule”. Female pornstars aren’t nearly as selective. Men, women, animals, household items…you name it, and there is probably a website full of women fucking it. If you don’t believe me, please reference the PG-13 rated website about two girls and a cup. And that is definitely not the worst. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

I mean, paying a hitman in Brooklyn 1000 bucks to pull a trigger and paying a woman 1000 dollars to take a shot of cum from 3 guys in EVERY mucus membrane while being filmed are two very different things. Assassins know that if they are whacking somebody, the target individual must have pissed of somebody bad enough to justify the bill. They sleep well at night knowing that the people they have killed were most likely flaming assholes. I am surprised that a female pornstar can sleep at all. Besides lacking even a shred of dignity, realizing that thousands of lonely men will be jerking off to your exploitation on screen would really bother me…and that’s saying a lot, because I’d kill your grandmother for a large pizza.

It’s important to note here that I am not really a fan of male pornstars, mostly because it’s not a bad job. Besides the danger of crossing swords, male porn stars have it pretty good. Most of the females in porn are pretty hot. Not the guys though. To put it bluntly, some of the male porn stars in the biz are absolutely fucking appalling. Ron Jeremy? That guy gives Ugly nightmares. And he isn’t the worst looking of all of them. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

The worst part of a female pornstar’s job however, is the stigma that follows the job. They will never again be respected by family members, they will have a difficult time finding a non-pornographic job (many businesses include a clause that prohibits any relationship with the pornography industry in any way as a PR thing), and have an exceptionally difficult time finding a relationship outside of work (unless you guys are into other men/women/whatever fucking your girlfriend).

So…regardless of whether you work in a assembly line at a factory or mop up cum from a XXX theatre floor, realize that regardless of how bad your day is you won’t have your head crammed into a toilet while your ass is violently pounded.

~ruko

You can’t ignore the headlines. It seems as if almost every day there is a new incident involving the police and the use of stun guns. A simple google search provided ample evidence that tasering has become a serious national issue. Go to YouTube and you can view dozens of incidents, most of them involving campus security personnel.

There are two types of campus security -

1. Real Campus Police - They carry guns and can arrest your drunken ass. From my experience these guys are pretty level headed and calm. They can shoot students who pose a deadly threat and therefore that sort of threat nearly never arises. For every other situation they depend on their reasoning skills to navigate the various situations they encounter.

2. Campus Security guards- by definition these guys are nothing but a pack of pussies who failed the police entrance exam and are forced to play babysitter to rich kids who will soon be out-earning then 10 to 1. Campus security guards are notorious for harassing students for silly shit and reveling in the harrowing task of writing parking tickets. An exception to this exists on campuses that offer a criminal justice program. Guards at these schools are typically in the program and take their job seriously as it is a stepping stone toward a career.

I would like to make the argument that taser guns should not be given to either group.

Campus Police already carry a gun for extreme situations. However, just the presence of their firearm earns them a level of respect that ought to give them the upper hand in most situations. Giving these guys stun guns will only make them lazy. Instead of using their conflict resolution skills they will simply stun drunk students that give them a hard time. Although this makes for great YouTube material, students should not be subjected to 80,000 watts for asking a cop “hey don’t you have a Dunkin Donuts to protect piggy?”. Nor should a taser be an acceptable alternative method to dragging a drunken frat boy from a car that he was driving in reverse at 40 miles per hour across the provost’s front lawn.

Campus security guards should also never be issued stun guns. These bitter hacks have survived for decades with walkie-talkies and mag-lights as their only weapon. The last thing a college campus needs is a bunch of over-caffeinated police academy dropouts carrying “non lethal” stun guns that are responsible for at least 147 deaths in the United States since 2000. These bozos should stick to writing parking tickets and call the real police for everything else.

Before you give me the old “we live in increasingly dangerous times” lecture let me expose the proliferation of stun guns for what it is - a profit making crusade by stun gun manufacturers. They rushed these things to market before properly testing them and now people are dying. I think it is about time the police went back to the good old days of beating people and leave the high tech gadgets to the harmless nerds and geeks of our society.

I would classify myself as an average gamer. I look forward to good games that will entertain me for a while, and of course the games that blind sided us and turns the tides of the gaming world. Kane & Lynch: Dead Men was not one of them. I for one was actually looking forward to this game, its concept and realism sparked my interest. I mean christ you get to shoot cops, why the hell not. Upon purchasing this game I was deeply saddened by its very thin plot line and lacking graphics. I actually found myself going back to Worms half-way through the game before beating it.

The title comes from the two main characters. You, Kane, are set away to be grilled on the electric chair for your crimes of death and destruction. On your way Lynch and a bunch of other masked tools stage this big  break out. Thus starting endless repeat Duck Hunt scenarios, in the third person. An addition to the repeat scenarios is the squad based game play. You can control lynch and 4 other jamokes. Great concept at first but is not its saving grace. Although they don’t die easily, they are about as useful as an asshole on your elbow.

As for the enemy AI, at first its nice to see an enemy get behind cover and blind fire his weapon to try to save his own ass. But its when there is no cover…and the AI still finds a blade of grass to duck behind and blind fire from is where many of us are left looking like a deer in headlights. At times there bullets can even find there way through your concrete cover to drop you like a stone. Which makes certain scene incredibly frustrating…hence my hiatus. The graphics tie into this. Was I playing on an original Xbox? Its 2007 people, take an extra month, or fire the guy who slept through design class and come out with a game that looks real enough to trick a 2 year old. Bad clipping at times and bad texture issues throughout the game does not help its case.

A positive to the game is its sound effects. Lynch drops the “F” bomb +/- 4,781 times. You use the squad command to move and he tells you to go fuck yourself. Its mildly entertaining at times. The gun sounds make a shoot out worth while. Fighting your way through dumb AI cops sucks, but if your gun sounds and looks real…fuck it, its entertaining. The online mode is also pretty fun. “Fragile Alliance”, you and 4 other players perform heist. Go in, gun a blazing, steal shit and get out to share the loot or shoot your fellow players to steal there shit. But if you turn on them you are flagged by the other players and it can be a ring around the rosy with a traitor. Plus if you die you spawn as a cop. So  you can get revenge on the assfuck who killed you.

My overall impression of the game is that if it was a movie and spent a little more time on the plot line it would have been ok. But it wasn’t and they didn’t, so its another run of the mill video game. Give it a try if you find yourself one day at the $4.99 bin and its in there (which it will one day trust me) and you want a shooter where the fight scenes never end.

I give it a:

6 out of 10