Today I walked through the mall on my way to replace a Craftsman socket at Sears. The mall is a horrid place, full of all the people I would send on a one way trip to Darfur if I could afford that many plane fares. A chill ran up my spine as I neared the eerie orange glow of the crown-laden Hallmark store, decked from floor to ceiling in hackneyed Halloween bullshit.

Of all the things that I loathe in corporate capitalist America, Hallmark would definitely be icing on the cake. Now, I know you are thinking “it’s just a card company, right?” WRONG! Hallmark is Satan, in paper, plastic, and porcelain form. They are trying to take over the world and spread the word of the dark lord, one holiday at a time. Hallmark now owns a television broadcasting company, Crayola Crayons, Hallmark Music Division, the Hallmark Photographic collection, and a bunch of other shit that undoubtedly relates to Satan worshipping somehow.

The devil is smart. It’s really hard to push the whole “carve pentagrams into your forehead and sacrifice virgins” to the general public…so el diablous one had to find a new avenue. But where to find that kind of sacrilege that appeals to the general population?? The answer is Hallmark, of course.

I mean, last time I read the bible, I must have missed the part about Santa Clause kicking back a few frosty beers with the three kings, or the Easter Bunny throwing colorful eggs at the Roman Legion. In Hallmarkland however, all holidays have lost their real meaning. Fuck that Jesus guy; show your Christmas spirit instead by buying this cheeky light up reindeer that dances and sings “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” when you stick your finger in its butthole. Every holiday brings a boatload of cheap, mass produced Chinese crap, and we all can’t get enough of it.

So, while you all buy Satan’s wares, baby Jesus cries. Lucifer however, prepares the dildo of pain and suffering. And that shit doesn’t come with lube or a reach around.

Happy fucking Halloween.