The National Football League is top dog in American sports these days. It is also the sport most ravaged with greedy assholes.

“The Warden,” Roger Goodell has turned pro football from a good excuse for skipping church into the Wal-Mart of professional sports. He has turned a game that people love to watch into a race to the bottom-line, with no regard for how he gets there, or who he has to screw to do it.

Like Wal-Mart, the NFL mistreats its part time employees, in this case the referees. Football is the only of the four major sports to not have full time refs. They are paid based on a contract instead of as salaried employees. No wonder they can’t see, they probably don’t even have benefits that pay for glasses.

Mistreatment of officials is just the beginning. This season, Goodell decided to ban local news stations from sideline coverage during games and restricted the amount of NFL related internet video that news companies can have on their web pages to 45 seconds. The video also must include a link to the NFL web page.

So they are fucking over refs and local news. But who cares about that? Well, if you are an average NFL fan, (symptoms include beer gut, receding hair line and very little to live for) then you should. Although the word integrity might be a little too fancy for many football fans, its maintenance is essential to the success of the sport. Goodell’s iron fist rule and corporate greed depletes this integrity. This is the same man who allowed DT Tank Johnson to have a reduced suspension after spending time in prison but suspended CB Pacman Jones for a full season due to off field conduct though he was never charged with a crime. Hmm…Seems “The Warden,” is more like Nurse Ratched than a Commissioner, doling out privilege and punishment capriciously.

But the greed league doesn’t stop at screwing its refs, local news outlets and players. That’s right; they bend the fans over a table too. (Not just Jeff Garcia) The NFL Network had exclusive rights to four games this season, but nobody saw the first three. All the major cable networks refused to pay the outrageous fee the NFL was asking for broadcast rights to the NFL Network. Cable providers would have had to hike up their rates for all customers so football fans could watch four games. Not exactly the sort of PR cable companies need in the ever crowded media delivery sphere. Anyway, turns out Time Warner and Comcast have bigger dicks than the NFL and won’t reenact scenes from Deliverance with the NFL. However, it is ultimately the fan that loses out once the corporate pissing match is over. A perfect example; earlier this season the Packers vs. Cowboys game was on NFL Network and most of America was unable to see a battle of legendary teams vying for playoff position. And no, I am not impressed with the leagues supposed good-will gesture of allowing nationwide broadcast of the Patriots-Giants game. Only the prodding of Congress, which could make life very difficult for the NFL in future television contract negotiations, managed to convince the Grinch to return the pigskin to Whoville.

The NFL’s greed is not all that’s wrong with the game. Instant replay, lack of parity and ridiculous fines and penalties are all destroying football. Games are taking four hours because it takes 20 minutes to decide whether a play if reviewable or not; the Patriots are killing everyone every year despite a salary cap designed to eliminate dynasties; and the days of Lawrence Taylor laying out a QB or Ronnie Lott blasting a Wide Receiver are gone for fear of penalties and fines. I just can’t imagine why they call it the, “No Fun League.”

And so I still buy my underwear at Wal-Mart, just like I sometimes still watch football on Sunday, but it’s too bad this once great game has turned into an ugly episode of “The Apprentice”, except it’s the boss who should be fired this season.

-Matt

Thanks Matt for the guest submission.

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Volunteer firefighters may take the top spot for my absolute favorite people. It isn’t because they are brave, or selfless, or good Samaritans. I like volunteer firefighters because they are absolutely, 100% bat-shit insane. I know I’m a little off in the sanity department, but those guys are really crazy. They aren’t even getting paid and they still do it.

It takes some kind of sick desperation to make a man/women run into a burning building willingly. A burning building harbors all kinds of dangerous shit just waiting to hurt you. Exploding glass, basement meth labs, flaming dogs (you know dogs aren’t going to give up the watchdog status just because they are on fire), and all kinds of other burning shit makes going into a burning house a pretty risky bet. Additionally, volunteer firefighters are armed with only an axe and a hose. To tackle an entire blaze, a bunch of firefighters have to come hard and gang bang that bitch.

I am definitely not cut out for that kind of work. I mean, fire is cool and all, but being cooked alive kind of pisses me off. In fact, if I were a volunteer firefighter, I would probably bust out some hot dogs and just let the fucker burn. Besides, if you actually fight the fire, you have to wind up all those hoses afterwards, and I bet that is a real pain in the ass.

I think my early exposure to the movie Backdraft ruined any chance of me ever becoming a volunteer firefighter. That scene where one of the 72 Baldwin brothers (can’t remember which one) saves the mannequin thinking it’s a real girl and then misses out on the vulnerable hero-idolization pussy really hit me hard. To make matters worse, his whole crew then harassed him about it and then beat his ass for being such a nancy boy. I don’t think I could go through that kind of trauma, and you know that the mannequin shit happens all the time in the firefighting industry.

You volunteer firefighters are better men/women than I am.

Not many things in this world bug me. I’ll easily get over some dumb ass who cuts me off in traffic while giving me the finger. “Who? Me?” Why do I deserve such disrespect while driving? If I had the chance I would probably beat them to death with their own shoe. But I’m in my car, out of “grabbing your shoe” range. Not even the cynical skinny fucks behind their CRT monitors, who enjoy pissin’ on everyone’s parade, bug me that much. The fact that they haven’t gotten laid in the better part of a decade keeps me warm at night, and makes it unnecessary to hunt them down where they live.
But back to my point, the one thing I cannot stand. The one thing that, if I were subjected to it enough, I would be tempted to kill over. This ignorant act is called “eating with your mouth open”. Consider this, we live in a day and age where we don’t even have to leave the house to get porn 24/7. We can have fine dining delivered so “Stepford Wives” never have to cook again. It’s safe to say we are no longer in the friggin’ stone age. So riddle me this Batman, why the hell do some people still have to chew with their mouths open? It’s disgusting and repulsive. You sit their slopping around like a cow eating its own cud, ignoring the fact that you are and ignorant fuck who can’t take the time to close your mouth.

This story spawned from a recent outing I had at a quiet restaurant. It wasn’t very busy at the time, but I was seated next to a well dressed business man. As I sat down he was just receiving his food. For the next 10 minutes this ignorant fuck out chewed the noisy highway that passed right by the restaurant. Now as many of you can figure out I am a reserved and mild mannered man… since I was in public I held my tongue. But when I received my food, even the waitress noticed the fire in my eyes. Finally, I turned to the man, and as politely as possible told him to “CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT”. He was of course speechless, wondering if the comment was for him and why. I smiled at him, and began to eat the rest of my food. He proceeded to ask for the check and give me the finger. Again I smiled back. A small victory against the ignorant swine out there who chew with their mouths open.

When reflecting back on the entire incident I think “did I over react?” I’ve pondered over this for quite some time. I’ve come to the conclusion of no. Because people who chew with their mouths open are the root of all evil. They are the kid in high school who would cheat on the test, but somehow get caught and have you get a 0 on the test because he was copying off you. These people invented the cat algorithm, AND are responsible for the Kennedy assassination. They must be stopped. Join me in my quest to humiliate and destroy all those who chew with their mouths open…

So I nearly died about a week ago. I know that would make many of you buttholes happy (judging by the volume of hate mail I receive) but it was not meant to be. I sustained a 104+ degree (about 40 C for you foreign readers) fever from 8:45am when I woke up until nearly 4pm that same day. While that in itself isn’t that bad, the influenza had prevented me from sleeping for more than a couple hours per night for the previous three nights. Additionally, I was dehydrated from heavy perspiration. I haven’t been that close to death since my pasty ass got lost in Harlem at 2 am about year ago.

Later that day, I realized that I had been incapable of discerning my thoughts from reality. This wasn’t the “yay I’m tripping like Timothy Leary” kind of hallucination either. This was more like a “drink a gallon of lemon dishwasher detergent and then jam a red-hot pair of scissors into your abdomen” kind of feeling. I was in a lot of pain, I was extremely confused, and my world was a very scary place. And the llamas were pissed.

I spent the better part of 2 hours wandering outside of my house, in the snow, trying to find my llamas. I do not nor have I ever owned llamas. I don’t even know all that much about llamas. For some weird reason though, I thought that I owned a bunch of llamas and they had escaped because of the snow. My tracks on the ground showed that I walked in big circles around the yard, most likely immersed in something as nonsensical as a David Lynch film. I also know that at some point I decided it would be a most excellent idea to remove my shirt. It was 18 degrees (approximately -8 C) outside.

The repercussions of the day would only become known later that night. For starters, I got some minor frostbite. On my nipples. It was obviously not severe frostbite; my nipples were tender like I was ovulating, there was some slight blistering, and the coloring was a bit more purple than I am used to. Had my body not been cooking itself, I would have inevitably suffered some more serious damage. Secondly, I am pretty sure my Chinese neighbors watched me walk around for a while. When I saw them the next day, they yelled something at me in Cantonese, threw and empty can at me, and ran into the house. As I began to think about it, I am pretty sure I would call the police if I saw my half naked neighbor walking in circles in his yard for 2 hours. That kind of shit is crazy.

Because they didn’t call the cops, I am now convinced they are indeed illegal aliens. Well, whatever.

I feel a sadness over the death of CompUSA only a son can feel for a deceased father. A father who gave him cigarette burns and genital warts. Happily, the death of America’s worst national retailer has been a slow one, culminating in its final death throes. (AKA liquidation) Even better is the fact that their managers, the pricks who gave us all such a hard time over the years, have yet to turn their voicemail off. Listen and enjoy.

Listen Now:

 

 CompUSA Phone Call [0:48m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Fear not fair weather friends, Angry Romanian has not forgotten you, our loyal reader, or your over zealous desire for daily high quality content. However, if we plan on remaining in our parents’ will we still have to spend time with our families over the Christmas holiday. And so we look forward to serving your needs in the new year and want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and of course to Bieltan:

Make sure you shatter the dreams of children and pass on the word.

Thanks to the wonder that is Live Chat Tech Support, I will now provide you with the most bewildering tech support conversation I have ever had. Hold on to your seat if you have one, if not hold on to your monitor.

Tech Support [18:46]: Thank you for choosing Live Chat. Please allow me a minute or two to review and respond to your question. If you have not already provided your Main Domain name please do so now along with any additional details you feel I should have. I take multiple chats at once. There will be a delay between my replies. Thank you for your patience. I will be right with you.
The Romanian [18:46]: When will an upgrade be available for phpbb 3.0?
[18:47]: angryromanian.com
Tech Support [18:49]: As soon as cPanel releases one.
The Romanian [18:49]: When will that be? Do you know?
Tech Support [18:51]: Unfortuantely I do not.
The Romanian [18:54]: OK thanks for nothing.

Boy I sure wish i had that eight minutes of my life back. Silly me, contacting a company, and asking questions about a product they develop. At least give me an ETA, or an educated guess. My only other option is calling them up and growing old in the queue. And speaking of guesses and education, my best guess is that this fuck got his Master’s in Tech Support, with a minor in curry sweating, from the University of Mumbai. No need to wish him a Merry Christmas is there.

Note: I purposefully did not correct the Tech Support Agent’s spelling.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This may sound cliché, but it’s true. I have been sick going on two weeks and I just might snap. (or die, one or the other) I’m also sick and tired of this sorry assed health care system we are all forced to endure. Service, value and satisfaction are atrocious at every level of this system. Let me walk you through my recent experience as a demonstration of this statement. By the end, hopefully you will be as angry as me; ready to start running BMW’s off the road and choke slamming people at the pharmacy.

Let’s start with the doctors:

These overpaid pricks don’t listen to a damn word you say. They simply fill out prescriptions and nod their heads as you tell them your tale of sorrow. After you have finished speaking your doctor will check his watch, tell you he hopes you feel better, and hand you a prescription or two as he rushes off to his next appointment. I’m glad I paid a co-pay, not to mention my astronomical health insurance premium, to be treated like a nuisance. If I was looking for that kind of shit I would have taken my $20 bill to a high-end titty bar.

Next stop: the pharmacy.

I approach the pharmacy counter with two prescriptions in hand. Under the counter is a really slick sign portraying a friendly, wizened old white guy, personally handing over a prescription to an elderly customer. This particular pharmacy’s slogan is, “With Us, It’s Personal.” Sounds comforting, right? Not so fast! Seems they mean, “With Us, It’s Personal” in a guido, dagoish, mafia sort of way. You know, the old, “Tony, it’s not personal, it’s all business - capisce?” Followed by the speaker putting 47 rounds, in a very businesslike manner, into Tony. Except with this drug store someone must have pissed them off enough so that they have moved right past business to a personal sort of vendetta against the customer. I stroll up to the counter and a charming young woman with enough tattoos to put the average NBA power forward to shame stares at me. There is no “hello”, or “can I help you”, just a threatening stare. I hand her the prescriptions. She throws them on a pile and she says, “three hours”. Looming over her shoulder is a corporate poster proclaiming, “Most prescriptions filled while you wait”. I guess this is a somewhat subjective policy so I decided not to challenge the angry, work-release, tattooed pharmacy troll on it.

Three hours later a less intimidating but equally unfriendly women informs me my bill is $148. Long story short, the doctor wrote both prescriptions for name brands. More than likely some scum sucking, bottom feeding, piece of shit drug rep was behind this horseshit. After an excruciating two step with my doctor’s voice prompt system I managed to have the generic prescription faxed over and finally was on my way home, in the dark, sick and pissed off.

Why am I telling you all this? In case you hadn’t noticed, the word “angry” appears in the name of the website, and I am mighty pissed off. It’s over week later and I feel as bad as I did a week ago. So, keep an eye out for the next installment of this series as I rant about the Hospital, the ICU, and the bedside administration of last rights, as my health and well being steadily deteriorate as I attempt to navigate through our profit based, patient unfriendly health care system.

As the Christmas/Chanukah/Eid Al Adha/Kwanza/Whatthefuckever approaches, I always find myself increasingly annoyed by some people’s display of holiday cheer. While I personally dislike the holiday time immensely, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with showing some spirit…to a point. There are a whole lot of you assbags however, that really don’t know when you have taken it too far.

Now before I go into my rant, this post will apply mostly to certain celebrators of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza. You know why I like the Muslims? Because for their December holiday (Eid Al Adha, or Kurban Bayram? for all of you Turks that frequent angryromanian) they slaughter a lamb and then eat lamb chops. No decorations, no wrapping paper, no bullshit- just kill and eat. The sacrificial slaughter tends to really piss off PETA, but who gives two shits what they think anyways. Overall, Eid Al Adha sounds like my kind of celebration.

For the rest of you who insist on sprucing up trees and other shit around the yard, I have compiled a simple guide to prevent you from overdoing it this year.

Too Many Fucking Decorations - Extremists are always wrong. That includes those of you that take decorating your house/lawn to the fucking max. NASA doesn’t need to see your house from space. Besides you, the only people that really like this is your power company. My neighbors are guilty of this. You would think that Las Vegas was recently built right next door to my house. Unfortunately, prostitutes have not been attracted by the lights; only decrepit old people. I hate decrepit old people.

Inflatable Vinyl Holiday Things - These things are not cute, they are not clever, and the only time I like these is when they are deflated on the ground. Inflatable decorations should be left to frat parties and lonely men unable to find a real companion. Please stop putting these in front of your houses.

Stop Decorating Ugly Trees- I know that Charlie Brown Christmas was an epic Christmas cartoon, but that doesn’t justify throwing lights and glitter on every fucking tree on your god damn yard. Everywhere I go I see this. You should all be very careful…one of these years, that tree you annually load up with glass balls and lights is going to unroot itself, get a World Gym membership, and stick one of its branches up your ass for all of those years of degradation.

Decorating Shit That Shouldn’t Be Decorated - Stop putting a buttload of lights or other holiday cheer shit on crazy crap sitting in your yards. The big red bow on the mailbox, obnoxious wreaths on toolsheds, negro lawn jockeys decked in Christmas cheer, etc…this shit needs to stop. I’ve seen it all and I’m fucking tired of it.

I hope that this little guide has enlightened at least one of you, but probably not.