Angry Romanian

This Van will kick your ass. You think I’m playing? Why do you think it’s in that cage? Chuck Norris himself is scared of this van. This van once killed 5 armed Turks with its own hands. This van got shot 5 times in Nam, and still laughs about it. This van pulls a 10.2 in the quarter. On diesel. And it has a gasoline engine.This van makes corvette owners feel like they have a small penis. Again. In mother Russia, you do not drive van. Van kills you and your entire family. This van would roundhouse your girlfriend’s face for wearing makeup (vans hate makeup). There is also new evidence to suggest that this van may also be directly involved in the Sobe scandal.

Okay. Seriously. You think that’s ridiculous? I agree. Nearly as ridiculous as putting a beat to shit van in a tight chainlink fence-cage. What functional purpose does this cage serve? It’s not going to stop the van from getting egged (this is a big thing up here…I’ve been egged 4 times in the past year and a half). It’s not going to keep the van protected from the shitty Northeast weather. *if* somebody wanted to steal this van, a chain link fence isn’t going to stop them…not in a desolate, unlit parking lot. That’s besides the point though. It’s a rusted 1988 Dodge B350 van. A crackhead wouldn’t steal this van if it was unlocked and the keys were in it. At night. In Compton.

A friend of mine suggested that the cage is there to protect against rogue basketballs. I considered this, until I drove by the place to see the portable basketball hoop in the picture at the other end of the parking lot, where a game of 3 on 3 was in progress. So much for that theory.

Its paranoia like this that induces violence. I wouldn’t have paid a bit of attention to this van if it wasn’t for the cage around it. Now I have this urge to fuck with it. I’m not going to though. It’s a church van…I don’t need that kind of bad karma.