Angry Romanian

Snakes are the most terrifying fucking creatures on the whole of planet Earth. I really can’t explain why, but those of you who share my fear of snakes understand. I would rather have my pinkies cut off than to be put into that clear plexiglass box of snakes on Fear Factor. In fact, if I was on Fear Factor and they brought out that box of snakes, I would tear Joe Rogan’s arm off and use it to break a hole in the concrete studio wall so I could escape. I really hate Joe Rogan anyways, so I might tear his arm off even if it was a box full of spiders. I’m totally cool with spiders.

While doing a Google image search today, I managed to find a whole following of men and women that are into “Snake Sex”. If you have never seen it, I encourage you not to, because it’s some pretty twisted stuff. The more I thought about what I had witnessed, the more it began to make sense. Snakes are for men and women that like dick. Yes, you read that correctly. If you like snakes, there is an excellent chance that you like the penis as well.

Think about the phallic nature of a snake; it has a head, the middle shaft or body, and the tail. A man’s penis has these things too, with the exception of a tail…unless you consider the spleen the “tail” of the dick. In the words of Robert Shimmel, “who’s to say where the spleen ends and the dick begins?”

I’m not the first to make this observation. This snake shit goes back a long ways in time. Medusa, Cleopatra, Adam & Eve, Steve Irwin, etc. You know what the serpent really said to Adam in the Garden of Eden? It wasn’t some bullshit about apples. It’s true; ask a Jew about the old testament. Why do you think rattlesnake surprise isn’t on the list of “kosher shit”?

Look at the movie Snakes on a Plane. Isn’t it funny that the lead actor is a black man? No stereotypical big black dick jokes needed here. You know Samuel L. Jackson tore the ass out of that hottie behind the set. You don’t have to be a philosophy major to know that movie was about big scary dicks with venomous teeth. They didn’t even look like snakes.

I then began to think about all of the people I have known that have owned snakes as pets. The men were either super macho or somewhat feminine, and the women were usually good looking, aggressive, and sexually promiscuous (in any of the aforementioned cases, big fans of penis).

As much as I hate snakes, if my penis could unhinge it’s jaw and eat a whole bullfrog, I think I might have to try it.

~rUkO