Angry Romanian

I should start this post off with a warning… It may offend jew..Err.. I mean - you. My ideas are not all that shocking to most, but to a more orthodox thinker, they may come off as offensive or even anti-Semitic. I have no ill will for people of the Jewish persuasion. I think those little skull caps are adorable and I do have a fondness for circumcised cock. But again, to clarify, I mean no ill will, I simply write to entertain.

There was a hilarious story in the news the other day regarding an upscale grocery store in New York City. Balducci’s, in an effort to increase sales in its meat department, posted a sign in front of their spiral cut hams reading, “Delicious for Chanukah.” If you’re not familiar with Jewish dietary law you would think, no big deal. However, for the 98% of Americans who don’t live under a rock, it is widely known that eating any pork products is a big no-no for our Hebrew friends and neighbors.

At dinner that night, with a few of my Angry Romanian friends, I mentioned this story and they found it as amusing as I did. Some interesting points were raised about the validity of dietary law and the ascension into heaven. Would St. Peter turn you away for the pearly gates for eating bacon?

I can see the historical validity in these dietary laws, but I think modern times render them pretty silly. Leviticus, (the book of the bible that should have been lost) chapter 11 tells us that certain animals are considered clean, while others are unclean. Ok, so why is this distinction made? My theory, which I doubt is at all groundbreaking, is that clean animals were least likely to cause sickness if improperly stored or prepared. Beef is relatively easy to dry and cook. The only time it is really risky to consume beef is when it is ground and then not cooked properly. Pork on the other hand is a breeding ground for bacteria. Shellfish is also seen as unclean and is a prime cause of food poisoning.

Leviticus also has a few other fun rules for people to live by. These ones, however, are a bit more taxing then simply avoiding a sausage biscuit. Clothing that is constructed with multiple fabrics is a no-no. If you’re a woman don’t even think about buying tampons. Ladies, get out of Dodge and go sit on a clump of moss until your menses has subsided, (oh!) and then sacrifice a dove. No self respecting JAP (Jewish American Princess) is going to do this. Why do Jew’s get to pick and choose which parts of Leviticus are law?

I almost forgot my favorite, Leviticus 20:13, the infamous anti-gay verse. Historically, cleanliness certainly wasn’t next to godliness, and people were walking germ factories. I know today if I choose to “get my gay on”, I make sure my stuff is as clean as possible. Thousands of years ago if you had some butt sex, the health risks from rampant bacteria needed to be considered.

So, as I see it, Leviticus is kind of like the bible’s health manual. A 2000 year old health manual!! How would you feel if all the books and medical journals in you doctor’s office were written in, let’s say, 1840? What if you went to the hospital for vomiting and diarrhea and the staff prescribed blood letting and leeches? Same holds true with the whole pork thing. So this Hanukkah season consider trying the other white meat, it is delicious.

-Jesse

Many thanks to Jesse for his guest submission. You can find out more about him here.