When someone asks me if I’m going to have children I usually want to jump out of a window. I know that the inevitable conversation is going to start, yet again. You see, I have no desire to have children. I don’t really care for children and I think your desire to to create a smaller imitation of yourself is just as selfish as my desire for “me time”.

Children are annoying. Whenever I hear a child screaming in a store, I want to bowl it down an aisle. The only loud noise I like is death metal. When I cook an amazing meal and a child at the table decides they hate carrots, when just a week ago carrots were just the rage - I want to make them eat bleach and see how the feel about carrots then.

I do not baby sit for a reason. I don’t want my time compromised just because you had to make a bundle of expensive, puking and screaming BABIEZZZ!!!

“I Do Not Like Children” is usually followed up with: “That’s impossible, children are so amazing! It is a life altering experience! Oh, just wait until you meet that special someone, you will completely change your mind! Children already love you!”

Yes, absolutely! What was I thinking?! My “special someone” and you completely know how I feel about my life and my uterus. Phew. Thank you for deciding that I’m not fully capable of making up my own mind about my dreams and what I want to devote my time too!

Fuck you , I like my life the way it is, and I like my dreams as well. I want to travel and I want to run errands and have an amazing, demanding job and not have to fetch my runny nose little shits from the day care that I have to work 3 of the 5 days a week just to afford.

I don’t want to go shopping for kid clothes every August just because they have to go back to school. I do not want to be called “Mommy.” I don’t want to get the artificial fruit flavored candy canes just because you like them. I like Peppermint, and I am going to get the goddamn peppermint ones for my Christmas tree that will have GLASS ornaments at the bottom of the tree. I will purposely have more SHARP edges in my house than you can count. I don’t want locks on my cupboards and I don’t want to keep the cleaning products on a high shelf.

What I do want is to drop kick half of the children I have ever met. You know, the kids that just HAVE to push the shopping cart or their little lives will just end, and then proceed to ram it into a shelf, the back of your heel, or both simultaneously.

So, if you like children so much, why don’t you stop making them and take care of the ones that don’t have homes? Sure, I may be selfish for not wanting to add to the population. But am I unreasonable for not wanting to bring a child into the world I know I really don’t want? - Just because society says I must replace myself.
I guess I’m just an asshole. But don’t worry. I’ll meet my “special someone” and have a million kids as I watch my life and dreams go to shit. If you want me to make babies so bad make sure you buy me a diaper genie and a gift certificate for a lobotomy for the baby shower.

-Coffee Killed My Soul

Thanks for the guest contribution. I’ll see you in the contraceptive aisle.

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