The art of the well written Chinese cookie is dead. I have had nothing but weird fucking experiences with them lately. I think the Chinese have it out for us, I really do. Recently I cracked open a cookie only to be greeted with, “take care of everything as soon as possible because you never know when time will run out.” Fucking thing basically told me I was going to die. Thanks!!

Maybe the Chinese could be more like the Japanese, with their pimped out cars and houses decked out in Sony shit, if they weren’t so preoccupied with harassing Americans with cryptic little messages.
That fortune pissed me off pretty bad. My only consolation was imagining a pathetic skinny little Chinamen, bitter over his short little wang, writing these things in a room the size of a cardboard box, hacking away at an old-school rusty typewriter that is missing the L key.(which would explain a lot about Asian speech patterns.) This guy must thinks he is pretty fucking clever, knowing gluttonous American douche nozzles are reading it, assuming their fate is tied to a small piece of literature which isn’t even worthy to serve as toilet paper to wipe my crusty asshole with.

But you haven’t heard anything yet.

Just the other day, I was at a local Chinese restaurant eating some damn tasty sesame chicken. I think the only way an Asian man could make me wet would be by cooking me some damn fine sesame chicken. Anywho, at the end of the meal the usual Fortune Cookie is presented. So I rip that shit open like the hulk does his white fruit-of-a-loom t-shirt. I read, “Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind ALL day long.” Yes, that’s right, a mother fucking pick up line in a fortune cookie.
This is an all time low for the Chinese. Now, not only do they suck in bed but they are resorting to picking up chicks through desert cookies. What’s next? A fortune that reads, “You Gonna Get Raped.”

-Kakes

Thanks for the guest contribution. I look forward to the steady stream of hate mail coming in from the Middle Kingdom.

If you would like to contribute content to Angry Romanian click here.