To a four year old, the cookie is a paramount prize. This circular disc of goodness, though placed in a cupboard out of reach, must be had by any means. The child is clever and finds a way to claim his prize, but inevitably he is caught . He has only one explanation for his displeased mother, “No I didn’t.”
Sound familiar?
Just ask any Major League Baseball player who’s been accused of doing steroids and you will get a similar answer. There are a few standard responses going around. So far, the three most popular are:

The cookie jar line - “Nope, didn’t do it, wasn’t me”

The teary eyed cop out - “I only used once”

And my personal favorite - ” “I had no idea it was ‘roids.”

We’ll start with Roger Clemens, who is towing the cookie jar line. He has sternly denied the findings of the Mitchell Report that accuses him of using steroids. I’m sure the baseball world would love to believe The Rocket, but how are fans to ignore his down slope in the mid-90s, followed by shocking Cy Young awards in ‘98 and ‘99. And this is not even taking into account his Bonds like, 40+, surge with the Astros? It is true that Paige, Ryan and Neikro all had 40+ success as pitchers, but none of them gained 50 pounds after their peak. The abundance of players admitting to the truth of the findings is also damning to Clemens. So will this be a Marion Jones repeat? Will Clemens give a crybaby confession five years from now? Don’t be shocked if he does.
The next cheater is teary eyed Brian Roberts who claims that he only used steroids once and was so ashamed he never touched it again. That one shot must have been powerful. Roberts was an all-star in 2005 and achieved career highs in home runs, RBI’s, slugging and batting average. He hit four home runs in ‘04 and a miraculous 18 in 2005. One shot huh?
Last, but certainly not least, is Mr. Barry Bonds and his story about how he didn’t know he was doping. At least you have to respect the creativity of his bullshit rhetoric. “Never knowingly used steroids,” is reminiscent of, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” When it comes to the word “knowingly” - I know that if my head grew from a 7 and 3/8 to a 9, I’d be curious as to what substance was being shot into my ass or rubbed on my biceps. I guess Barry didn’t think of that.

I say if we really want to know who’s using the juice and who’s clean, we shouldn’t ask an ancient U.S. senator, we should ask the hat makers.All the players have to order hats and batting helmets, right? The best way to tell if they are juicing is to look at the sizes of each suspected player over the years. If from 1995 to 2003, Bonds’ head grew two inches, then he’s had his hand in the jar.
Despite the guilt of any individual player, if anyone should be indicted for steroids, it should be Bud Selig. The same Selig who stood next to Mark McGwire after his 62nd home run, knowing full well he was shooting up. That was 1998. Nearly a decade later, and a great deal of damage to the game later, in December 2007, Bud finally declares a, “Call to action.”
My call to action would be a no confidence vote by the owners, followed by a resignation by the former Brew Crew owner. Shamefully, that will never happen.

And speaking of shame, it is true sad that the great game of baseball will always have an asterisk over the last 15 years,

Thanks Bud!!

-Matt

Thanks for the guest submission Matt. See you at the gym, and by the way I have that stuff, so bring the cash.

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