As the Christmas/Chanukah/Eid Al Adha/Kwanza/Whatthefuckever approaches, I always find myself increasingly annoyed by some people’s display of holiday cheer. While I personally dislike the holiday time immensely, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with showing some spirit…to a point. There are a whole lot of you assbags however, that really don’t know when you have taken it too far.

Now before I go into my rant, this post will apply mostly to certain celebrators of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza. You know why I like the Muslims? Because for their December holiday (Eid Al Adha, or Kurban Bayram? for all of you Turks that frequent angryromanian) they slaughter a lamb and then eat lamb chops. No decorations, no wrapping paper, no bullshit- just kill and eat. The sacrificial slaughter tends to really piss off PETA, but who gives two shits what they think anyways. Overall, Eid Al Adha sounds like my kind of celebration.

For the rest of you who insist on sprucing up trees and other shit around the yard, I have compiled a simple guide to prevent you from overdoing it this year.

Too Many Fucking Decorations - Extremists are always wrong. That includes those of you that take decorating your house/lawn to the fucking max. NASA doesn’t need to see your house from space. Besides you, the only people that really like this is your power company. My neighbors are guilty of this. You would think that Las Vegas was recently built right next door to my house. Unfortunately, prostitutes have not been attracted by the lights; only decrepit old people. I hate decrepit old people.

Inflatable Vinyl Holiday Things - These things are not cute, they are not clever, and the only time I like these is when they are deflated on the ground. Inflatable decorations should be left to frat parties and lonely men unable to find a real companion. Please stop putting these in front of your houses.

Stop Decorating Ugly Trees- I know that Charlie Brown Christmas was an epic Christmas cartoon, but that doesn’t justify throwing lights and glitter on every fucking tree on your god damn yard. Everywhere I go I see this. You should all be very careful…one of these years, that tree you annually load up with glass balls and lights is going to unroot itself, get a World Gym membership, and stick one of its branches up your ass for all of those years of degradation.

Decorating Shit That Shouldn’t Be Decorated - Stop putting a buttload of lights or other holiday cheer shit on crazy crap sitting in your yards. The big red bow on the mailbox, obnoxious wreaths on toolsheds, negro lawn jockeys decked in Christmas cheer, etc…this shit needs to stop. I’ve seen it all and I’m fucking tired of it.

I hope that this little guide has enlightened at least one of you, but probably not.