So I nearly died about a week ago. I know that would make many of you buttholes happy (judging by the volume of hate mail I receive) but it was not meant to be. I sustained a 104+ degree (about 40 C for you foreign readers) fever from 8:45am when I woke up until nearly 4pm that same day. While that in itself isn’t that bad, the influenza had prevented me from sleeping for more than a couple hours per night for the previous three nights. Additionally, I was dehydrated from heavy perspiration. I haven’t been that close to death since my pasty ass got lost in Harlem at 2 am about year ago.

Later that day, I realized that I had been incapable of discerning my thoughts from reality. This wasn’t the “yay I’m tripping like Timothy Leary” kind of hallucination either. This was more like a “drink a gallon of lemon dishwasher detergent and then jam a red-hot pair of scissors into your abdomen” kind of feeling. I was in a lot of pain, I was extremely confused, and my world was a very scary place. And the llamas were pissed.

I spent the better part of 2 hours wandering outside of my house, in the snow, trying to find my llamas. I do not nor have I ever owned llamas. I don’t even know all that much about llamas. For some weird reason though, I thought that I owned a bunch of llamas and they had escaped because of the snow. My tracks on the ground showed that I walked in big circles around the yard, most likely immersed in something as nonsensical as a David Lynch film. I also know that at some point I decided it would be a most excellent idea to remove my shirt. It was 18 degrees (approximately -8 C) outside.

The repercussions of the day would only become known later that night. For starters, I got some minor frostbite. On my nipples. It was obviously not severe frostbite; my nipples were tender like I was ovulating, there was some slight blistering, and the coloring was a bit more purple than I am used to. Had my body not been cooking itself, I would have inevitably suffered some more serious damage. Secondly, I am pretty sure my Chinese neighbors watched me walk around for a while. When I saw them the next day, they yelled something at me in Cantonese, threw and empty can at me, and ran into the house. As I began to think about it, I am pretty sure I would call the police if I saw my half naked neighbor walking in circles in his yard for 2 hours. That kind of shit is crazy.

Because they didn’t call the cops, I am now convinced they are indeed illegal aliens. Well, whatever.