Not many things in this world bug me. I’ll easily get over some dumb ass who cuts me off in traffic while giving me the finger. “Who? Me?” Why do I deserve such disrespect while driving? If I had the chance I would probably beat them to death with their own shoe. But I’m in my car, out of “grabbing your shoe” range. Not even the cynical skinny fucks behind their CRT monitors, who enjoy pissin’ on everyone’s parade, bug me that much. The fact that they haven’t gotten laid in the better part of a decade keeps me warm at night, and makes it unnecessary to hunt them down where they live.
But back to my point, the one thing I cannot stand. The one thing that, if I were subjected to it enough, I would be tempted to kill over. This ignorant act is called “eating with your mouth open”. Consider this, we live in a day and age where we don’t even have to leave the house to get porn 24/7. We can have fine dining delivered so “Stepford Wives” never have to cook again. It’s safe to say we are no longer in the friggin’ stone age. So riddle me this Batman, why the hell do some people still have to chew with their mouths open? It’s disgusting and repulsive. You sit their slopping around like a cow eating its own cud, ignoring the fact that you are and ignorant fuck who can’t take the time to close your mouth.

This story spawned from a recent outing I had at a quiet restaurant. It wasn’t very busy at the time, but I was seated next to a well dressed business man. As I sat down he was just receiving his food. For the next 10 minutes this ignorant fuck out chewed the noisy highway that passed right by the restaurant. Now as many of you can figure out I am a reserved and mild mannered man… since I was in public I held my tongue. But when I received my food, even the waitress noticed the fire in my eyes. Finally, I turned to the man, and as politely as possible told him to “CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT”. He was of course speechless, wondering if the comment was for him and why. I smiled at him, and began to eat the rest of my food. He proceeded to ask for the check and give me the finger. Again I smiled back. A small victory against the ignorant swine out there who chew with their mouths open.

When reflecting back on the entire incident I think “did I over react?” I’ve pondered over this for quite some time. I’ve come to the conclusion of no. Because people who chew with their mouths open are the root of all evil. They are the kid in high school who would cheat on the test, but somehow get caught and have you get a 0 on the test because he was copying off you. These people invented the cat algorithm, AND are responsible for the Kennedy assassination. They must be stopped. Join me in my quest to humiliate and destroy all those who chew with their mouths open…