Volunteer firefighters may take the top spot for my absolute favorite people. It isn’t because they are brave, or selfless, or good Samaritans. I like volunteer firefighters because they are absolutely, 100% bat-shit insane. I know I’m a little off in the sanity department, but those guys are really crazy. They aren’t even getting paid and they still do it.

It takes some kind of sick desperation to make a man/women run into a burning building willingly. A burning building harbors all kinds of dangerous shit just waiting to hurt you. Exploding glass, basement meth labs, flaming dogs (you know dogs aren’t going to give up the watchdog status just because they are on fire), and all kinds of other burning shit makes going into a burning house a pretty risky bet. Additionally, volunteer firefighters are armed with only an axe and a hose. To tackle an entire blaze, a bunch of firefighters have to come hard and gang bang that bitch.

I am definitely not cut out for that kind of work. I mean, fire is cool and all, but being cooked alive kind of pisses me off. In fact, if I were a volunteer firefighter, I would probably bust out some hot dogs and just let the fucker burn. Besides, if you actually fight the fire, you have to wind up all those hoses afterwards, and I bet that is a real pain in the ass.

I think my early exposure to the movie Backdraft ruined any chance of me ever becoming a volunteer firefighter. That scene where one of the 72 Baldwin brothers (can’t remember which one) saves the mannequin thinking it’s a real girl and then misses out on the vulnerable hero-idolization pussy really hit me hard. To make matters worse, his whole crew then harassed him about it and then beat his ass for being such a nancy boy. I don’t think I could go through that kind of trauma, and you know that the mannequin shit happens all the time in the firefighting industry.

You volunteer firefighters are better men/women than I am.