Usually this space is reserved for the responses, by the staff of Angry Romanian, to readers who correspond with the site. However, this week is dedicated to K8sFreeFall, who has done a spectacular job responding to comments from readers who really ought to be thinned from the herd we call humanity. I hereby bestow on you, K8sFreeFall, the title of Official Destroyer of Stupid Fucks who Leave Retarded Comments. Here are some of comments we received this week and the responses from the editors of the site as well as the new ODSFLRC. Enjoy - and mad props to K8. —————————————————————————– TaxExemPt wrote (in response to Driving Is Expensive)…It seems to me that if possesing marijuana is a $50 fine and 8 hours of community service, then the fine for folloing to closely should be proportionate to the danger posed to society by the act. Following too closely can injure or KILL someone. An 18 year old carrying around some harmless plant can not. Since the marijuana possesser is little or no harm to society and the close follower can kill people, with the $50 and 8 hours as the punishment for marijuana, the punishment for following to closely should be at least $20,000 with a year of community service. K8sFreeFall responded…Dear TaxExemPt, On behalf of everyone reading your comment: Go Fuck Yourself. TaxExemPt wrote (again)… Dear Kate’s in Free Fall, What wonderful reasoning and logic you hold. Hopefully by the time you are 18 you will hit the ground. K8sFreeFall responded (again)…Dear TaxExemPt, Have you not seen the “Just say no” advertising campaign?!? While under the influence of “some harmless plant” (and thus in possession of said harmless plant), one might fall asleep while babysitting and a small child will inevitably drown. In Ruko’s “following too closely” case, however, no small children died. Thus, I conclude: Go Fuck Yourself. How is that for logic? I anxiously anticipate your next critique of my reasoning skills. Ruko the Wonder Dog responded…Taxexempt-I think you are missing the point. The following too closely ticket is given whenever there is a rear end collision, regardless of the reason for the accident. I was in fact thrown into the car in front of me due to the collision in my rear. While somebody could have been hurt, they were not, and I still received a fine significantly higher than the minimum. The 18 year old man was caught with possession in his vehicle, and it was unclear whether he was high at the time or not (the officer used the terms “showing no signs of ability impaired” and “inconclusive evidence to suggest intoxication”). Being that you seem familiar with marijuana taxexempt, I need not explain how THC can often show no signs of intoxication and hence be very difficult to prove by a simple roadside sobriety test. As k8sfreefall said, THC found in marijuana does in fact slow motor skills, inhibits perception, and slows reaction time, all very similar to alcohol in moderate doses. If this young man was indeed operating a vehicle, the dangers posed by him far outweighed my fender bender. That is beside the point, but I feel it necessary to address it seeing as how you have brought it up. Laws in this country are not solely created based on “the danger posed to society”. Most laws are based around reasons other than criminal. You can’t walk around naked in public. You can’t steal towels from a hotel. You cannot break monetary contracts. You are not allowed to blast your music at 100 decibels at 3 AM within city limits. It is illegal to possess marijuana or any other illegal drug. These are all laws that exist, and there is a good reason for each one of them. And guess what? None of them revolve around the “the danger posed to society by the act” as you so eloquently wrote. The bottom line here, Mr. taxexempt, is that this guy intentionally broke a state law. I also broke a law. I broke it unintentionally and arguably uncontrollably. The judge knew this, and threw “intent” out of the legal window. When “intent” is removed from our legal system, we are in serious fucking trouble. I hope you get my point. ——————– Jerry wrote (in comment to The Cheesecake Fuckery )…Well, how about that, Mr. Malcontent owns a computer and knows how to publish his super critical ramblings to the inter-tubes. One day when you get out and about in the real world, you’ll realize that most chain food doesn’t taste like home cooked, parking lots aren’t an amusement park ride and that a long menu isn’t a negative but a positive. Of course since momma probably never gave you a meal choice other than macaroni and cheese, any option other than shutup and eat likely causes great anxiety for your little mind. Rob replied…Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. From where I sit it appears you are the super critical, inter-tubes rambler. First, the last time I checked this is a blog, which is a place to post your personal opinions and experiences. No one forced you to come here. If you don’t like what we have to say - take a hike. Second, I really don’t see anything in the story that suggests chain restaurants resemble home cooking. The underlying premise seems to be that The Cheesecake Factory, and by extension all chains, suck. Third, parking lots may not be amusement park rides but if they were I bet you would be too short to get on. And finally, your momma was never one for meal choice either. It was either her box or her ass, and I sure wish they had smelled like mac and cheese. K8sFreeFall responded…Jerry no doubt enlisted the help of a calculater to get past “spam protection” when leaving his comment. Given his interrpretation of the post, I feel as though I should break my insult down: Dear Jerry, you’re a dumbass. ——————————————————————————————————– See you next week, and keep up the good work K8sFreeFall. D.N.

I’ve always wanted to do this to local news reporters but it seems that a Canadian finch beat me to it.

Another Demo of news reporter brilliance:

Our justice system in this country is FUCKED. I use caps to emphasize the level of fuckedupness in which the United States legal system exists.

I was involved in a low speed 5 car pile up about a year ago. The 90 year old woman that caused the accident mistook the air in front of her car for a deer, and locked up her brakes to avoid hitting it. The 90 year old woman drove off after realizing that the air deer had vanished into mid air. She did not realize that the 5 cars following her for the better part of 4 miles had slammed into one another as a result of her brake check.

As everyone outside examined their cars for damage, I realized that my 1988 Pontiac 6000 had left a 3 inch black smudge on the rear bumper of the car in front of me. The other cars drove away, but Mrs. OMFG MY NEW CAR quickly called the cops to the scene. As required by law I was given a “Following Too Closely” ticket and we went our separate ways.

In the courtroom, the case before mine involved an 18 year old man that had been charged with one count of “Possession of Marijuana”. He pled guilty. The judge, a miserable ugly bastard, sentenced him to 8 hours of community service and a $50 dollar fine. With consequences like that, I am sure he will never do it again. He even asked the judge if he could have his smoking “paraphernalia” back. At this point I was in good spirits, thinking that if a kid arrested for smoking the reefer got off easy, mine might get dropped altogether.

I was really fucking wrong. I explained how the accident occurred to the judge, explained that 4 other cars were involved, and that the black smudge on the woman’s car cost my insurance company $70 to fix. The judge then shocked me with the words that came out of his yellowed, fat lips. “Mr. XXXXXXX, the maximum fee for this offence is $300, but I am only going to charge you $225. Additionally, the court fee is $75. You can pay the woman to your right”.

Arguing with a judge is a bad idea. Arguing with a miserable Irish judge is even worse. I asked how a man guilty of an illegal drug received the fine he did, and my unavoidable accident cost me 3 points on my license, a 15% rise in my car insurance, and $300 court fine. I even declared the law faulty. The stupid Mic bastard judge didn’t really see things my way. He was quickly angered, and increased my fee to the maximum. A nice police officer then escorted me out of the courtroom.

Call me a weirdo, but in what world is this kind of shit right? It doesn’t matter what drug it was. He intentionally broke the law. My accidental bumper kiss carried a pretty serious monetary impact for me, yet Mr. Pothead’s replacement bag and a new piece was less than half of what I spent in court fees.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t drive. Smoke weed instead. It isn’t as expensive if you get caught.

Fact: Angryromanian.com suffered a disruption in service spanning the dates January 18th-21st.

Fact: The disruption was due to a malicious attack by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye. This attack was the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding in which the Russians mistook our website for a Romanian mail-order -bride site competing with a similar Mob-connected service.

Fact: Boris, a member of Luidy Chorniye, wrote the following, “Hello writer of funny things on web net. Again I say sorry for disruption of postings. Any favor needed we provide - no exception. You need someone punched in face Boris will do it.”

Fact: We plan to take advantage of this offer.

Every week we will deploy Boris to punch the top 5 assholes of the week, carefully culled from the news, in the face.

Here is this week’s list.

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5. Bill Belichick - From nytimes.com - With all due respect to Paul Brown, Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry and Bill Walsh, Bill Belichick is the genius coach of all time.

I’ll make no bones about it. I hate this prick because I love to root for the underdog and hate dynasties. I hate the Yankees, Wal-Mart, white people, and now the Patriots. Belichick is the mastermind of a team who has won three of the last six Superbowls and takes his team into the Superbowl sporting an 18-0 record. We’ll see how his winning ways match up to Boris’s fist.

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4. Britney Spears. From tmz.com - Pop princess Britney Spears apparently has ditched her British accent for one that sounds like a cross between Chinese and Spanish.

I think I speak for most of us when I say I wish Britney would ditch any and all accent in favor of shutting the fuck up. Maybe Boris could knock all of her teeth out, then we’ll see what that stupid bitch has to say.

.

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3. Luis Jimenez. From Fox News - Austin Police arrest a man for having kiddie porn, after a curious cat finds his secret stash of DVD’s.

Smooth move Luis - Rule one of moving - remove all items (like kiddie porn) from your old apartment that may land you in jail for three to five years. Maybe jail will help cure Mr. Jimenez’s pedophilia problem - what with all the quality sex he will be having with adults in the slammer. And did I mention Boris has seven daughters under the age of 14. Luis may get a little more than a simple punch in the face.

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2. Angelica Ayala. From Abcactionnews.com- A Tampa woman was arrested outside a Ybor City nightclub, after police say she punched a police horse.

Watch out for this one Boris. Apparently she’s quite a fighter.

Neigh!!

.

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1. The Little Emo who Couldn’t. From CNN.com - Authorities have charged a teenage boy who said he planned to hijack a commercial jetliner in an attempt to commit suicide, an FBI spokesman told CNN late Thursday.

Worst plan ever! This genius planned to bring down a commercial jetliner with handcuffs, duct tape and some yarn. Nice touch with the Hannah Montana idea though. Ridding the world of an emo-fag and a whole arena of Hannah Montana clones - talk about killing two birds with on ball of yarn. Try not to get any eyeliner on your knuckles Boris.

From the outside the Cheesecake Factory looks like a decent upper echelon chain restaurant. The parking lot is like a damned hamster maze, incredibly complex and difficult to navigate, with a fuckton of cars parked every which way. The first things that strike you as you enter the “Restaurant - Bakery - Bar” are the high ceilings and dimly lit atmosphere. This is all very calculated. The ambiance hides the tacky chalk drawn designs on the walls and the fake wood and marble. the entire design looks like and Egyptian tomb minus the hieroglyphs. Overall, an illusion of class.

Once we are seated a sycophantic waiter brings the menus and takes our drink order. The menu is longer than the Bible. It is filled with commercial advertisements and is too overwhelming to allow for a proper food choice. The overpriced drinks arrive and the waiter begins to aggressively push things that have been sitting in the back of the freezer - like the “special fish.” When pressed, he admits that some of the things he is recommending will be discontinued the following week. Very comforting. Finally we place our order: avocado egg rolls, tomato and mozzarella salad (minus blue cheese, plus mushrooms) and the Ranch House Burger (medium-rare). The drinking begins.

Their “unique and popular” avocado egg rolls look and taste like green alien shit. The drinks help to wash the taste down. The salad and burger arrive. The portions are enormous, fit for a starving sumo wrestlers. Never thought you could fuck up a salad that bad. Gotta love paying eight dollars for wilted lettuce, and to add insult to injury we were charged an extra dollar for swapping the blue cheese for the mushrooms. The burger is too big to comfortably hold in your hands and tastes mediocre. Although the food is average at best, eating as much as possible seems mandatory since this food does not deserve a spot in anyones fridge.

Finally we finish our meals and are looking forward to dessert. But wait, our once perky waiter, perhaps sensing our displeasure with the crappy meal, is nowhere to be seen. At long last he bounces up, “Would you like some dessert this evening? We have some great white chocolate..” At this point we’re so pissed off we order the chocolate mousse cheesecake to go. Another round of waiting and drinking ensues. Finally the check comes, we pay and leave.

The next day I had more gas than the Nazis and the CHEESECAKE was mediocre. WTF, I’ve had their cheesecake at Barnes and Noble and it was awesome. Turns out they don’t even sell the same cake at B&N that they do at the restaurant. Interesting, considering the B&N is, at most, 100 yards across the parking lot from the Cheesedick Factory. Next time I’ll hit the Wendy’s drive through on the way to picking up dessert at B&N and save seventy dollars.

For those of you who live under rocks and such, Heath Ledger passed away on January 22, 2008. His bed was sprinkled with sleeping pills. Police have not yet released the official cause of death.

In other news, my neighbor planted some bulbs this morning. Hopefully we will see a nice array of tulips and such come the spring time.

Seriously though. Heath Ledger was an okay actor for being an Australian wanker. His films included a movie about a knight that wasn’t a knight but became a knight in the end, a broken mountain, a movie about Grim Reapers, and a movie called Candy about drugs. Go figure.

The more pressing issue surrounding his death is that the release of the movie Dark Knight will now be put on the back burner. Ledger, who had been cast and was already finished filming as “The Joker”, is now dead. This wouldn’t be a problem (as we saw with the move The Crow) however the marketing and advertisement folks at Warner Brothers are worried that this image carries a very negative (and ironic) connotation. So. My mom made a casserole once.

Oddly enough, the upcoming movie Dark Knight is intended to be a remake of the 1989 masterpiece Batman. The post production Dark Knight is a sequel to Batman Begins, which is really a prequel to the original Batman, which makes Dark Knight a mathematical recursive loop. Mathematicians at Stanford University have released a statement saying “the recursive Batman loop is in no way connected to the death of Heath Ledger”.

The original Joker of the 1989 Batman was played by Jack Fucking Nicholson. His performance as “The Joker” is widely considered as his best, or maybe his appearance in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was his best…either way, he was pretty fucking good. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would be pretty pissed that some Shrimp on the Barbie bastard was trying to outdo me. Maybe Jack Nicholson killed Heath Ledger…(DUN DUN DUN!).

In Hollywood, there are several actors which you never, ever try to duplicate. It is an unwritten rule. I know you are thinking “but Ruko…how the fuck do you know anything about Hollywood?”. Well, the truth is, my eldest cousin is a big-wig for Universal Studios. If I owned a television, I could probably find a show, movie, or program on television every hour that he was directly affiliated with. That aside, he is in the know, which makes me a little bit in the know.

Actors such as Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Paul Newman, Robert Duvall, and Jack Fucking Nicholson are untouchables; trying to remake something they did really pisses off the Hollywood gods. When the Hollywood gods get pissed, they release upon us a swarm of chick-flicks, another Star Wars Episode, or a plethora of not so new and not so exciting reality television series that sweep the country. Mr. Ledger should have known better, and the Gods of awesome movies have killed him with lightning bolts and shit.

Eh. Either way, I am pissed that I didn’t put Heath on my Celebrity Death Pool list. He would have been a money addition.

Another Thursday - and another batch of emails and comments from the mentally challenged lunatics we affectionately like to call “our readers”. Although it is quite a burden responding to the garbage that finds its way to my inbox - I like to think of it as performing a public service. Like the mailman that delivers the mail in sleet, snow, and/or rain, or the pornstar who takes it up the ass so the next generation of American men grow up ignoring their wives in favor of their laptops and some lube. So here it is - another week of our responses to the correspondences from out readers.

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Car Mann wtote (in comment on Email Bag - Filthy Hippies Edition)…This is filthy hippy talk. What has happen to the respect our great president deserves!

Ruko replied…I seriously hope you are being sarcastic. Seriously.

D.N. Replied...A funny thing happened the other day. I received an email informing me there was a new comment on Email Bag - Filthy Hippies Edition. This piqued my curiosity because it is not often we get comments on posts over a month old. We post new content every day, moving articles down the page and into the obscurity of the archives pretty quick. So I jumped into Google Analytics and discovered that there was only one pageview of the post on the day Car Mann left his comment. Hmmm. My next stop was the keywords page. Bingo!!! Someone entered the site by typing “filthy hippies gang raped ” “ass raped”. Looks like our dipshit, right-wing, fucktard friend Car Mann is a bit of a hypocrite; busting our chops for disrespecting the president while he is trolling the internets for rape porn. Sounds like a Giuliani supporter to me.

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Boris wrote (in comment on - Russian Mob Brings Down Angry Romanian!)…Hello writer of funny things on web net. Again I say sorry for disruption of postings. Any favor needed we provide - no exception. You need someone punched in face Boris will do it.

D.N. replied…Hey Boris - why don’t you start with Car Mann and then move on to anyone with a “W” sticker on their car.

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Angry Turk wrote (in comment on - Internets at Your Fingerstip)…Wow… when i see you next i am going to kick you straight in the gonads for posting this !@%#$@$:( video clip.

D.N. Replied…That video is some funny shit. If you don’t like it I suggest you take your sorry Turk ass and go back to Istanbul - or is it Constantinople. I can never remember.

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D.N. Out

Terrell Owens has always been a little bitch. He has always failed to show up in the big games and he has always found others to blame. But last Sunday set a pathetic new low for the Dallas wide receiver. Owens was brought to tears when asked if quarterback Tony Romo may have been distracted by Jessica Simpson’s enormous rack. Owens lip quivered, his voice shook and the tears all but came drizzling from the edges of his ridiculous oversized shades. “That’s my quarterback,” he choked out several times.
How embarrassing.
This incident could very well go down as the worst crying incident in sports history. Remember Dirk Nowiski’s break down after losing in the 07 playoffs to the Warriors? It was like watching a Werewolf on the Lifetime channel. How about Joe Torre three straight years bawling over getting into the playoffs, only to lose in the AL Division series each year. Tell me Joe, how much sympathy do you expect when your team supplies you with a $200 million payroll? I know, having the AL MVP on your team makes things so damn difficult.
There have been some good sports cries. When Brett Favre lost his father, then went on national television and threw for 399 yards and won the game, he cried and likely half the audience did as well. Michael Jordan’s Dad was murdered the year he led the Bulls to a championship, he shed tears while kissing the trophy. Even Knicks fans felt for him. So if someone dies, I guess it’s understandable, but if it’s because your QB is a pre-Madonna, I think not.
But what is the root of the crying? Well, let’s start with how a sport like baseball used to be played. By men who grew up with nothing but a ball and a stick. How is it played now? By mommas boys who have been given the world by everyone around them because they can toss a ball 90 mph. It’s similar to the way that Randy Moss was allowed to run over a traffic cop or Lebron James can drive 100 mph and not care about the repercussions.
When Lou Gehrig said that he was the, “luckiest man on the face of the earth,” he said it because he felt blessed to have been able to play the game. Not because he wanted to be on Sportscenter and especially not to get sympathy. Like we’re supposed to feel bad for Owens, who could sell his shoes on eBay for more than most of us make in a fiscal year. Sorry Terrell, this isn’t Dr. Phil, keep it to yourself.
The glory days of each of the three major American sports are behind us. I think many of us miss 1980’s basketball, before thug life; 1960’s baseball, before the juice; and the 1990s of the NFL before the instant replay. All we can do is remember the good times. So I suggest turning your numb brains away from the network that ruined sports, ESPN, and maybe go read a book or something.

-Matt

Thanks for the guest post Matt. If you would like to submit content to Angry Romanian click here.

Editor’s note: Before you waste your time commenting on the freshness of this story - We are acutely aware this happened a few weeks back. Publication was delayed due to technical issues with the site.

If you’re new to Angryromanian.com just watch this, if not just watch this.

For the past three days, Angry Romanian.com has been down due to a terrorist attack, launched by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye (which is roughly translated to “black dudes” I am told). Luckily, the attackers mistook Angry Romanian.com for a Romanian mail order bride website http://www.romanianmates.com/, which has been in direct competition with several Russian Mail Order Bride websites for some time.

Once the attackers realized their mistake, they wrote an apology via our Contact Form, promised to send some Borsch, and invited us to come and take part in a favorite Russian pastime called Solvoskenvskyeelan, which is essentially a naked snowball fight using frozen kitten heads instead of snowballs. I don’t really understand the concept myself, but who am I to judge a foreign culture? I figure it has to be similar to games played in the White House, so I figure I’ll give it a try.

With that being said, plan to see some big changes coming in the next month for Angry Romanian, including (but not limited to) more Spider Monkey videos (as requested by users), the release of Rob’s complete and unabridged novel about his recent colonoscopy, and the assassination of the only 3 benevolent DMV office clerks in the United States. Why you ask? Well, because we are Angry Romanian, and we know you expect nothing less.

-XOXOXOXO

Ruko the Wonder Dog