Angry Romanian

This post has nothing to do with Depend Ungergarmets, but has a whole lot to do with Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is the worst game ever created. This is not a matter of opinion. By liking this game, you have forfeited your right to an opinion.

I made a reference about the sheer failure of Guitar Hero before and received an inbox full of hate mail. Before anymore of you dickwads email me saying something along the lines of “how can it suck if it sold 4 million copies?”, let me remind you that Will Ferrell’s movies are guaranteed top box office hits, Nickleback’s last album went platinum, and George W. Bush was elected president. Twice. If you see nothing wrong with that, then you obviously won’t understand my point and are in dire need of about 4 feet of rope and a rickety chair. Email me your address and I will mail out a care-package right away.

Playing a real guitar can be your ticket to getting laid like carpet. Chicks love all types of guitar players; acoustic hippy guitarists, long haired metal bad boy guitarists, emo-as-fuck-slicing-their-wrist guitarist, etc…they all get more ass than a toilet seat. But not Guitar Hero. Playing this game causes a male’s sperm to eat it own tail so that it won’t infect future generations of human beings. The body then endures a transformation so grotesque that no human on earth would ever sleep with you. You don’t believe me? Listed below are pictures of Guitar Hero fans. This many virgins haven’t assembled in masses this great since Star Wars: Episode III hit the theaters.

This guy is just too cool.
Yup. He’s a flamer.
Someone didn’t pull out in time.
My Little Pony-tastic.
As close to an “Oh face” as he will ever have.
Chick or Dude?
Nobody in this room will EVER get laid. Look.

The game play itself is what really makes this game horrible. After six different versions of the game, you would think they would make an improvement someplace, but this is not so. Each release comes with a variety of new and horribly botched cover songs for your enjoyment . The cover songs performed are as pleasing to the ears as the sound of 978 screaming infants, amplified to 140 decibels. Furthermore, the quality of the sound is exceptionally poor.

Lamb of God’s “Laid to Rest” was nothing short of an abomination, as were the covers of “Killing in the Name Of” and “Heart Shaped Box”. Kurt Cobain is not only rolling in his grave; he has assembled an army of zombies and is planning an attack on the Activision headquarters, where he will forcefully insert a Guitar Hero Wireless controller into the colon of every employee in the company. Then Cobain and his army of zombies might nibble on their brains too, but that’s not really important.

Secondly, watching the game play is exciting as spackling your neighbor’s den for free. As colored dots representing notes slide down the neck of a guitar, a CGI band “plays” the song in the background. The graphics are reminiscent of games of the late 1990’s; awkward, jerky, and 2 dimensional (Good job Activision!). The artist renditions of the band members are anime-like; disproportionate and strongly exaggerated. I mean this not in the cool way like a silicone enhanced porn star, rather in the unsettling, not so cool Dora the Explorer way. After watching Guitar Hero for about 20 seconds, my eyes start to pack their shit and threaten to leave. I like my eyes, but Christ, they don’t put up with any shit.

So. Next time you are at a party/shindig/cross burning/gathering of some sort and some asshole busts out the Guitar Hero, do the right thing and asphyxiate him/her with the cord. If they are using a wireless controller, try the “strike repeatedly until unconscious” move.