we are at gitmo. Me the Romanian - beiltan - and ruko. Haven’t seen a lawyer in three months. They flushed my Koran down the shitter. The food here sucks!!! Shit…here comes the guard and that fuckin dog. tell my mother i love her.

D.N.

We, the editors of Angry Romanian, are horrified by the actions of our former friend at Angry Chinese Driver. Recently that twisted asshole found it necessary to release the personal information of a woman who was involved in an automobile accident with his mother. He irresponsibly posted this poor woman’s sensitive information on his website. How dare he subject Ms. Jing Ye, who lives at 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8, phone number (905)237-4888, driver’s license number Y2001 40207 45729, who drives a 2002 beige Honda Civic LX 4-door, license plate ANSP 868, insured by Unifund Assurance Johnson Inc. under policy number A087AB0428 to such indignities.

Please join us in boycotting Angry Chinese Driver for abusing Ms. Jing Ye who lives at 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8, phone number (905)237-4888, driver’s license number Y2001 40207 45729, who drives a 2002 beige Honda Civic LX 4-door, license plate ANSP 868, insured by Unifund Assurance Johnson Inc. under policy number A087AB0428.

Damn you Angry Chinese Driver. Damn you.

Anyone who would like to send words of support to Ms. Jing Ye are encouraged to phone (905)237-4888, or if you’d like to send a sympathy card please forward it to 174 Stave Cres., Richmond Hill, Ontario, L4C 0S8.

If you are still in doubt as to how truly disgusting the article by Angry Chinese Driver is, hold your nose and click here.

Additionally, I hereby deem it acceptable to add Angry Chinese Driver to your Celebrity Death Pool lists. Karma is a bitch my Canadian friend.

Usually this space is reserved for the responses, by the staff of Angry Romanian, to readers who correspond with the site. However, this week is dedicated to K8sFreeFall, who has done a spectacular job responding to comments from readers who really ought to be thinned from the herd we call humanity. I hereby bestow on you, K8sFreeFall, the title of Official Destroyer of Stupid Fucks who Leave Retarded Comments. Here are some of comments we received this week and the responses from the editors of the site as well as the new ODSFLRC. Enjoy - and mad props to K8. —————————————————————————– TaxExemPt wrote (in response to Driving Is Expensive)…It seems to me that if possesing marijuana is a $50 fine and 8 hours of community service, then the fine for folloing to closely should be proportionate to the danger posed to society by the act. Following too closely can injure or KILL someone. An 18 year old carrying around some harmless plant can not. Since the marijuana possesser is little or no harm to society and the close follower can kill people, with the $50 and 8 hours as the punishment for marijuana, the punishment for following to closely should be at least $20,000 with a year of community service. K8sFreeFall responded…Dear TaxExemPt, On behalf of everyone reading your comment: Go Fuck Yourself. TaxExemPt wrote (again)… Dear Kate’s in Free Fall, What wonderful reasoning and logic you hold. Hopefully by the time you are 18 you will hit the ground. K8sFreeFall responded (again)…Dear TaxExemPt, Have you not seen the “Just say no” advertising campaign?!? While under the influence of “some harmless plant” (and thus in possession of said harmless plant), one might fall asleep while babysitting and a small child will inevitably drown. In Ruko’s “following too closely” case, however, no small children died. Thus, I conclude: Go Fuck Yourself. How is that for logic? I anxiously anticipate your next critique of my reasoning skills. Ruko the Wonder Dog responded…Taxexempt-I think you are missing the point. The following too closely ticket is given whenever there is a rear end collision, regardless of the reason for the accident. I was in fact thrown into the car in front of me due to the collision in my rear. While somebody could have been hurt, they were not, and I still received a fine significantly higher than the minimum. The 18 year old man was caught with possession in his vehicle, and it was unclear whether he was high at the time or not (the officer used the terms “showing no signs of ability impaired” and “inconclusive evidence to suggest intoxication”). Being that you seem familiar with marijuana taxexempt, I need not explain how THC can often show no signs of intoxication and hence be very difficult to prove by a simple roadside sobriety test. As k8sfreefall said, THC found in marijuana does in fact slow motor skills, inhibits perception, and slows reaction time, all very similar to alcohol in moderate doses. If this young man was indeed operating a vehicle, the dangers posed by him far outweighed my fender bender. That is beside the point, but I feel it necessary to address it seeing as how you have brought it up. Laws in this country are not solely created based on “the danger posed to society”. Most laws are based around reasons other than criminal. You can’t walk around naked in public. You can’t steal towels from a hotel. You cannot break monetary contracts. You are not allowed to blast your music at 100 decibels at 3 AM within city limits. It is illegal to possess marijuana or any other illegal drug. These are all laws that exist, and there is a good reason for each one of them. And guess what? None of them revolve around the “the danger posed to society by the act” as you so eloquently wrote. The bottom line here, Mr. taxexempt, is that this guy intentionally broke a state law. I also broke a law. I broke it unintentionally and arguably uncontrollably. The judge knew this, and threw “intent” out of the legal window. When “intent” is removed from our legal system, we are in serious fucking trouble. I hope you get my point. ——————– Jerry wrote (in comment to The Cheesecake Fuckery )…Well, how about that, Mr. Malcontent owns a computer and knows how to publish his super critical ramblings to the inter-tubes. One day when you get out and about in the real world, you’ll realize that most chain food doesn’t taste like home cooked, parking lots aren’t an amusement park ride and that a long menu isn’t a negative but a positive. Of course since momma probably never gave you a meal choice other than macaroni and cheese, any option other than shutup and eat likely causes great anxiety for your little mind. Rob replied…Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. From where I sit it appears you are the super critical, inter-tubes rambler. First, the last time I checked this is a blog, which is a place to post your personal opinions and experiences. No one forced you to come here. If you don’t like what we have to say - take a hike. Second, I really don’t see anything in the story that suggests chain restaurants resemble home cooking. The underlying premise seems to be that The Cheesecake Factory, and by extension all chains, suck. Third, parking lots may not be amusement park rides but if they were I bet you would be too short to get on. And finally, your momma was never one for meal choice either. It was either her box or her ass, and I sure wish they had smelled like mac and cheese. K8sFreeFall responded…Jerry no doubt enlisted the help of a calculater to get past “spam protection” when leaving his comment. Given his interrpretation of the post, I feel as though I should break my insult down: Dear Jerry, you’re a dumbass. ——————————————————————————————————– See you next week, and keep up the good work K8sFreeFall. D.N.

Fact: Angryromanian.com suffered a disruption in service spanning the dates January 18th-21st.

Fact: The disruption was due to a malicious attack by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye. This attack was the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding in which the Russians mistook our website for a Romanian mail-order -bride site competing with a similar Mob-connected service.

Fact: Boris, a member of Luidy Chorniye, wrote the following, “Hello writer of funny things on web net. Again I say sorry for disruption of postings. Any favor needed we provide - no exception. You need someone punched in face Boris will do it.”

Fact: We plan to take advantage of this offer.

Every week we will deploy Boris to punch the top 5 assholes of the week, carefully culled from the news, in the face.

Here is this week’s list.

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5. Bill Belichick - From nytimes.com - With all due respect to Paul Brown, Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry and Bill Walsh, Bill Belichick is the genius coach of all time.

I’ll make no bones about it. I hate this prick because I love to root for the underdog and hate dynasties. I hate the Yankees, Wal-Mart, white people, and now the Patriots. Belichick is the mastermind of a team who has won three of the last six Superbowls and takes his team into the Superbowl sporting an 18-0 record. We’ll see how his winning ways match up to Boris’s fist.

————

4. Britney Spears. From tmz.com - Pop princess Britney Spears apparently has ditched her British accent for one that sounds like a cross between Chinese and Spanish.

I think I speak for most of us when I say I wish Britney would ditch any and all accent in favor of shutting the fuck up. Maybe Boris could knock all of her teeth out, then we’ll see what that stupid bitch has to say.

.

————

3. Luis Jimenez. From Fox News - Austin Police arrest a man for having kiddie porn, after a curious cat finds his secret stash of DVD’s.

Smooth move Luis - Rule one of moving - remove all items (like kiddie porn) from your old apartment that may land you in jail for three to five years. Maybe jail will help cure Mr. Jimenez’s pedophilia problem - what with all the quality sex he will be having with adults in the slammer. And did I mention Boris has seven daughters under the age of 14. Luis may get a little more than a simple punch in the face.

————

2. Angelica Ayala. From Abcactionnews.com- A Tampa woman was arrested outside a Ybor City nightclub, after police say she punched a police horse.

Watch out for this one Boris. Apparently she’s quite a fighter.

Neigh!!

.

————

1. The Little Emo who Couldn’t. From CNN.com - Authorities have charged a teenage boy who said he planned to hijack a commercial jetliner in an attempt to commit suicide, an FBI spokesman told CNN late Thursday.

Worst plan ever! This genius planned to bring down a commercial jetliner with handcuffs, duct tape and some yarn. Nice touch with the Hannah Montana idea though. Ridding the world of an emo-fag and a whole arena of Hannah Montana clones - talk about killing two birds with on ball of yarn. Try not to get any eyeliner on your knuckles Boris.

Another Thursday - and another batch of emails and comments from the mentally challenged lunatics we affectionately like to call “our readers”. Although it is quite a burden responding to the garbage that finds its way to my inbox - I like to think of it as performing a public service. Like the mailman that delivers the mail in sleet, snow, and/or rain, or the pornstar who takes it up the ass so the next generation of American men grow up ignoring their wives in favor of their laptops and some lube. So here it is - another week of our responses to the correspondences from out readers.

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Car Mann wtote (in comment on Email Bag - Filthy Hippies Edition)…This is filthy hippy talk. What has happen to the respect our great president deserves!

Ruko replied…I seriously hope you are being sarcastic. Seriously.

D.N. Replied...A funny thing happened the other day. I received an email informing me there was a new comment on Email Bag - Filthy Hippies Edition. This piqued my curiosity because it is not often we get comments on posts over a month old. We post new content every day, moving articles down the page and into the obscurity of the archives pretty quick. So I jumped into Google Analytics and discovered that there was only one pageview of the post on the day Car Mann left his comment. Hmmm. My next stop was the keywords page. Bingo!!! Someone entered the site by typing “filthy hippies gang raped ” “ass raped”. Looks like our dipshit, right-wing, fucktard friend Car Mann is a bit of a hypocrite; busting our chops for disrespecting the president while he is trolling the internets for rape porn. Sounds like a Giuliani supporter to me.

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Boris wrote (in comment on - Russian Mob Brings Down Angry Romanian!)…Hello writer of funny things on web net. Again I say sorry for disruption of postings. Any favor needed we provide - no exception. You need someone punched in face Boris will do it.

D.N. replied…Hey Boris - why don’t you start with Car Mann and then move on to anyone with a “W” sticker on their car.

———————

Angry Turk wrote (in comment on - Internets at Your Fingerstip)…Wow… when i see you next i am going to kick you straight in the gonads for posting this !@%#$@$:( video clip.

D.N. Replied…That video is some funny shit. If you don’t like it I suggest you take your sorry Turk ass and go back to Istanbul - or is it Constantinople. I can never remember.

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D.N. Out

Happy Thursday everyone. Sorry this is coming out so late but I’ve been working on my Celebrity Death Pool list all afternoon. Here is the final, much agonized over, list. 1. Mikhail Gorbachev 2. Nancy Reagan 3. Barack Obama (while he recites the oath of office of POTUS) 4. Felipe Calderón 5. Hugo Chaves 6. Britney Spears 7. her white trash mother 8. Her whore bag little sister 9. her kid 10. her other kid 11. K-Fed 12. Dick Cheney (please)

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sepuku2 wrote (in response to The Only Thing Worse Than a Dog Is Its Owner)…You cretin, the only reason you don’t own a dog is because you’re too stupid to train it to hold still while you lick it’s balls.

You’re an asshat wrote (in response to The Only Thing Worse Than a Dog Is Its Owner)…Wow… It’s OK that you don’t like dogs, but to result to juvenile name-calling? You need to take the stick out of your ass.

Ruko the Wonder Dog responded…sepuku2 - Please perform a seppuku on yourself (oh…BTW, seppuku is spelled with 2 “p”s and not one. Also, you mis used “it’s” when you really meant to say “its”, which is the correct possessive pronoun) and save me the trouble of responding to another of your trite attempts at offending me. If you are in need of a kaishakunin, let me know.

asshat guy - I like the stick firmly implanted in my ass, thank you very much. If you don’t like it, please don’t read my posts. I’m sure your little buddy needs to be walked or something anyways.

——————–
Elisha wrote (in response to New York State Definitely Blows)…that picture makes my uterus hurt.

D.N. responded…Better that picture than Ruko putting the hurt on your uterus.

——————–

HooBoy Wrote (in an email submitted to our contact form)…And my response is, so fucking what.

The Internet provides a way for me to let down my hair, so to speak. To reveal
my truest self (underneath the everyday poise and respect I display to 100%
massive cock suckers that truly don’t deserve respect is a person going
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!”) and just hang out and enjoy.
So what the fuck should you care if I spend my spare time typing out any old
thing that comes to mind??? I’m not out there selling crack, I’m not out there
killing people, I’m not drinking semen for a living, and I’m not robbing banks
or doing anything else that other people would consider 100% horrendous. If all
my computer time is all you people have to bitch about, then you got it pretty
damn good.
I am NOT HURTING ANYBODY. well, except my BF would like to have more sex with
me but that’s beside the point.
Do people blame mathmeticians for doing math problems all day? Or blame
scientists for doing their thing? So why pick on me if my passion happens to be
for the Internet. Oh right, I forgot, I spend MORE time on the computer with
MORE asshole people hiding behind a fucking keyboard. I just tell them “FUCK
YOU”. And leave it at that.
If I can’t just veg sometimes what good is life, huh?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a record company. Someone who’ll pay
me for all the crappy music that I write.

D.N. Responded…Not sure exactly what this is in response to; not really sure I care. If in fact you are truly addicted, as you claim above, I can say whatever I like and you will come back for more. On that note, I would recommend you get back on the medication your psychiatrist thinks you’ve been taking, start fucking your BF again before he bolts, and enjoy your time surfing the internet.
P.S. - If the music you write is as entertaining as your emails please don’t quit your day job.

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D.N. out

Well it’s been quite a contentious week. Apparently our choice of topics this week, at Angry Romanian, has touched a few raw nerves. Who would have thought hip hop, guitar hero, and the lottery would bring so many of you lurkers out of the woodwork? While it is nice to hear from most of you, there are a few who should realize that, as the old saying goes, “opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, so keep yours to yourself.” Here is our reaction to some of these ignorant fucks.

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An adult wrote (in comment to Lotto, Beer and Cigarettes - Who Needs to Pay the Rent?)…so - you ripped off the store to soak the deer-in-the-headlights clerk who was stuck at the register? And then you brag about it here…The store’s better off without you.

Rob replied…An Adult - Maybe you missed the point of the following line, “So I did the most mature and level headed thing possible” - this is sarcasm - meaning that maybe what I did was NOT exactly the most mature and level headed thing. So I’m not following your “bragging” line of reasoning. The mature thing would have been to pen a letter of protest to the management and/or become a spokesman against gambling - Fuck that - I was pissed.

D.N. Replied… Rob, you’re too nice. I’m disappointed you didn’t mail order an RPG and fucking ruin that joint.

———-
Digimonwarior wrote (in comment to Guitar Hero: Cool Like Adult Incontinence)…Have you ever even played Guitar hero? Stop pissing about it and don’t fucking play it if you don’t like it.

D.N. replied… Big words from a guy going by the name Digimonwarior. Congratulations on successfully being a homo and a retard simultaneously. Not only is Digimon the gayest shit ever, but our good friends over at Merriam- Webster seem to think warior is actually spelled warrior. I guess that makes you a fagtard, or to be politically correct I guess I should say you have Downs Gaydrome. As for your comment, how serious should we really take the blather from a guy who trades anime card with his fag buddies for blowjobs.

———-
colonel_mike wrote (in comment to What Happened to Hip Hop?)…your a fucking idiot theres a ton of good rap out now but compton is dead its all about the dirty south and all that shit. go listen to your metallica faggot

Rob replied…Dirty South is a bunch of mush mouthed bullshit. I hereby demote you, Colonel_mike, to private in charge of changing urinal cakes at the Superdome. I’d like to see you go to a Metallica concert and run your punk assed mouth there. And although I do think you are a complete fuckwad I did like you in the Pretty Fly for a White Guy video.

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See you all next week

D.N.

Happy 2008 scumbags. It’s been two weeks since I last responded to comments and emails. Unfortunately, last week found me pretending to like the relatives that had invaded my home in the name of holiday spirit. So without further ado, here is a sampling of the correspondences we have received as of late…

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K8sFreeFall wrote (in comment to Dude in a Box)…Ruko in a Box = better than Dick in a Box

D.N. Replied…Wow Ruko, looks like you are cultivating quite a following. Apparently this chick (assuming it’s a chick) likes you better than the cock. (and yes I know about the SNL skit)

Unknown wrote (in comment to Dear CompUSA - Your Fired!!!)…You are such an idiot! I hate how people like you make fun of other people losing their jobs. These people have family, kids, wives, husbands. It’s not funny when you know you won’t have a job in a few weeks….You’re ignorant.

Bieltan replied… Lets follow this up with a respectable response: “Yo momma is ignorant.” When life hands you lemons, BLEND THAT SHIT and make a badass lemonade. Bitch all you want. But it keeps turning. Its America, they will survive…

Rob replied… Hey unknown. Get over yourself. I worked in consumer electronics retail for many years. Managers and workers move around all the time. All these people will find work, and trust me; they will find better jobs than CompUSA. I was there several years and the culture and environment sucked. So pull the rod out of your ass and enjoy life for once.

D.N. Replied…Listen up fuckstick. I hate to break it you but it is funny, and, in fact, you are the idiot. Feel free to climb down off your high horse anytime now and enjoy the fact that a company that screwed so many people, and was one of the worst places to shop, is going out of business. As for their employees - tough shit - better polish up that resume boys and girls.

real260 wrote (in comment to Dude in a Box)…That is F-ing hilarious! I want more!

D.N. Replied…Your wish will soon be granted. Dude in a Box is only our first original video, with many more to come. Angry Romanian Shorts is currently producing several clips, so keep an eye on the site.

1 wrote (in comment to Top 10 Stupid Ways to Waste Money)…Hope you have a real job.

D.N. Replied…I do hold a day job, but only to cover the cost of your sister’s services.

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That’s all I have for now. See you next week, and don’t forget to submit your list for the Angry Romanian Celebrity Death Pool.

D.N.

We here at Angry Romanian World Headquarters are pleased to announce the launch of our first annual Celebrity Death Pool. If you don’t know what a celebrity death pool is read on, you’ll get it by the end. Most death pools run from January 1 through December 31, but we have decided to be contrary and track ours from March 1, 2008 through February 28, 2009. The Angry Romanian death pool is similar to many of the death pools out there, but with some twists. Here are the basic guidelines:

Pick 12 celebrities - you can choose them anyway you like…celebrities you think will die - celebrities you hope will die (pick your 12 Yankees wisely) - or random celebrities. You earn points when one of your celebrities dies within the contest period.

There are several ways to earn points -

If a celebrity on your list dies during the contest you will earn points based on the following equation - (100-celebrities age). Example - If Mike Tyson were to die March 23rd at the age of 41 you will be awarded 59 points. So - picking the Pope might sound fun but remember he would only be worth 19 or 20 points. (Depending if he died before of after his birthday) However, picking Suri Cruise could be a jackpot as the toddler would earn 97 or 98 points.

Bonus points will be awarded for the following (in addition to the points you have earned for the death):

• 10pts. If your celebrity dies in any way other than under natural circumstances
• 25pts. If your celebrity is murdered
• 25pts. If your celebrity kills someone (25pts. per each)
• 50pts. If your celebrity is murdered by another celebrity
• 50pts. If your celebrity kills another celebrity
• 50pts. If your celebrity is African American and dies in February (irony, not racism folks)
• 50pts. If your celebrity is a sports figure that dies competing in their sport
• 50pts. If your celebrity pratices Scientology
• 50pts. If your celebrity dies on their birthday or wedding anniversary
• 100pts. If you celebrity is killed by O.J. Simpson. (does not count if O.J. is on your list and he commits suicide)
• All points are doubled if multiple celebrities on your list die in the same incident. (ex: Yankee’s charter plane erupts in ball of flame)

The player with the most points at the end of the year will win an Angry Romanian prize pack that will include a hooded sweatshirt, bumper stickers, and other nifty swag. Unlike most death pools out there, this one is free. (which actually makes the name death pool, as in pooling money to pay out prizes, somewhat inaccurate) An Angry Romanian T-shirt will also be awarded to the list we find to be the meanest/funniest. (this is totally subjective)

All you need to do is send an email with your name and a list of your 12 celebrities to deathpool[at]angryromanian[dot]com. I will assume the email address used to send your list is how I should contact you, unless otherwise stated in the email.

I will set up a special page tracking submissions, standings, etc… as soon as the lists start rolling in.

You have nothing to lose - so get your list in today. I will take submissions throughout the contest period, but common sense would suggest having your list in by March 1st.

Finally, there are some basic rules:
1. Celebrities on your list must be well known enough to have an obituary in a major newspaper, famous in their own right, and famous for something other than dying. The following would not meet the criteria: Death Row inmates, people who became famous by dying, and local “celebrities”. (don’t include your local weatherman, no matter how much you may want him to die)
2. It is entirely at the discretion of the staff at Angry Romanian to accept or deny submissions. No arguing or whining. There are a number of reasons a name may be rejected, and I don’t feel like trying to name them all here. Players will be notified of rejected names and why, and will be given an opportunity to choose a substitute at that time.

Happy New Year and all that shit. I’ll be brief today, since I’m not a big fan of typing when my head is pounding, there is vomit running down my stairs, my car is in my neighbors back yard, some chick with hairy armpits is curled into the fetal position in the closet, and my camcorder is still running. But I will say you all can expect big things from Angry Romanian this year. Look for contests, chances to get free swag, original videos, and, of course, the rants, raves, and musings of the pricks that write for this page. So once again, best wishes in the New Year. I’ve got to go now and make sure the girl in the closet is alive, right after I check out what’s on the tape from last night.