FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT ASS and HOLE. Motherfuckers tried to kill me in Cuba, but I made it back alive. Time has come to re commence writing for this shit hole website, as I thrive on the hatemail and death threats that my posts bring. When you are locked up in a Cuban cell, your eyes adjust to the darkness and you begin to see your thoughts as if they were occurring in front of you. I’ve come to the conclusion that my mind is a very, very, scary place. Anyways.

Stay tuned for new content, lots of asian schoolgirl prawnz, and naked pictures of Douche Nozzle’s wife right after I got done porking her in the ass.

xoxoxo

rUkO

There are a lot of nasty things that you will find in a person’s bathroom. I don’t need to go into detail here…you probably all have at least one thing in your bathroom that would make your mothers upset. My apartment bathroom is no exception. It’s not everyday though that I find something that grosses me right the fuck out. In college I lived on an all male dorm; the things I have seen in a group bathroom would make Mother Teresa nauseous. That being said, I yesterday found a toothbrush lying right next to my Irish Spring bar soap in the shower. I use my soap to wash all the parts of my body. If one of my roommates wanted my balls in their mouth, I could have teabaged their ass and skipped the middle man completely. On the flip side, I don’t want somebody else’s saliva to be transferred to other parts of my body. It is goddamn nasty.

If that wasn’t disgusting enough, I today found a dildo in my shower. It was nestled all inconspicuous like right next to the shampoo and body wash almost like it belonged there. I didn’t even notice it was there until I was nearly done showering. So I know you are thinking “so what. It is a dildo.” right? Well, a disturbing fact is that there are four people living in this house, and not a single one of them is female.

CLICK HERE FOR DILDO

That picture is not setup in anyway, but sits exactly as I discovered it. The burning question in my mind is, who’s ass has it been in? It isn’t the first time that this kind of thing has happened; one roommate thought it would be funny to sculpt my soap into the shape of a penis. Why? Well, he is obviously a flaming homo in denial. What he doesn’t know is what I did to his body wash.

CLICK HERE FOR PENIS SOAP

A reoccurring theme? Most definitely. I guess the old saying is true: All the soap in the world won’t wash the gay away.

I’ve been a member of Ebay since 2000. After recently cleaning through boxes of old stuff, I began to sell off the contents of boxes of shit with no sentimental or personal value. Some of the smaller stuff is actually fetching good prices, while fewer items sell far short of what I had expected. Either way, it is nice to supplement my income. I definitely need that extra income too…student loans and crack rocks get expensive.

Upon closer inspection I realized that my selling endeavors with Ebay weren’t exactly as lucrative as I thought. A breakdown of the listing insertion fees, final value fees, extra fees, and other unexplained fees were costing me a hefty portion of what I was actually netting. To make matters worse, Ebay owned Paypal then takes an additional 3% off of the top of all Ebay payments (deducted from the seller, not the buyer). When all was said and done, I was getting the proverbial dick, balls deep from the Ebay empire every time I sold something.

*I now realize that the term “balls deep” may not make sense to you. In a previous post I used the term “balls deep” and received 2 emails asking what the term meant. No joke. So, allow me to explain. Imagine that you have a phallus shaped sword. The hilt of this sword is shaped like a set of testicles. Now, if you were to plunge this sword into a person all the way to the gonad shaped hilt, it would be “balls deep”. I know that is a little elaborate, but the volume of “virgin” readers here at AngryRomanian don’t seem to have a grasp on the physics of sexual intercourse yet. I would say “don’t worry…you aren’t missing anything” but that would be a completely dishonest statement. Anyways, back to my point.

I rejoiced yesterday when I discovered that Ebay has decided it prudent to lower insertion fees for sellers. Additionally, Ebay has now dropped fees from certain things like gallery listings. Unfortunately, Ebay stills bans the sale of Laotian slaves. But you can purchase entire porn companies. Wish I had $100K.

So what did I do then? I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I put up some auctions. What can I say…I am a consumer whore (and how!) falling for every disguised shit sandwich that Ebay shovels down my throat.

Obedience is delicious.

Our justice system in this country is FUCKED. I use caps to emphasize the level of fuckedupness in which the United States legal system exists.

I was involved in a low speed 5 car pile up about a year ago. The 90 year old woman that caused the accident mistook the air in front of her car for a deer, and locked up her brakes to avoid hitting it. The 90 year old woman drove off after realizing that the air deer had vanished into mid air. She did not realize that the 5 cars following her for the better part of 4 miles had slammed into one another as a result of her brake check.

As everyone outside examined their cars for damage, I realized that my 1988 Pontiac 6000 had left a 3 inch black smudge on the rear bumper of the car in front of me. The other cars drove away, but Mrs. OMFG MY NEW CAR quickly called the cops to the scene. As required by law I was given a “Following Too Closely” ticket and we went our separate ways.

In the courtroom, the case before mine involved an 18 year old man that had been charged with one count of “Possession of Marijuana”. He pled guilty. The judge, a miserable ugly bastard, sentenced him to 8 hours of community service and a $50 dollar fine. With consequences like that, I am sure he will never do it again. He even asked the judge if he could have his smoking “paraphernalia” back. At this point I was in good spirits, thinking that if a kid arrested for smoking the reefer got off easy, mine might get dropped altogether.

I was really fucking wrong. I explained how the accident occurred to the judge, explained that 4 other cars were involved, and that the black smudge on the woman’s car cost my insurance company $70 to fix. The judge then shocked me with the words that came out of his yellowed, fat lips. “Mr. XXXXXXX, the maximum fee for this offence is $300, but I am only going to charge you $225. Additionally, the court fee is $75. You can pay the woman to your right”.

Arguing with a judge is a bad idea. Arguing with a miserable Irish judge is even worse. I asked how a man guilty of an illegal drug received the fine he did, and my unavoidable accident cost me 3 points on my license, a 15% rise in my car insurance, and $300 court fine. I even declared the law faulty. The stupid Mic bastard judge didn’t really see things my way. He was quickly angered, and increased my fee to the maximum. A nice police officer then escorted me out of the courtroom.

Call me a weirdo, but in what world is this kind of shit right? It doesn’t matter what drug it was. He intentionally broke the law. My accidental bumper kiss carried a pretty serious monetary impact for me, yet Mr. Pothead’s replacement bag and a new piece was less than half of what I spent in court fees.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t drive. Smoke weed instead. It isn’t as expensive if you get caught.

For those of you who live under rocks and such, Heath Ledger passed away on January 22, 2008. His bed was sprinkled with sleeping pills. Police have not yet released the official cause of death.

In other news, my neighbor planted some bulbs this morning. Hopefully we will see a nice array of tulips and such come the spring time.

Seriously though. Heath Ledger was an okay actor for being an Australian wanker. His films included a movie about a knight that wasn’t a knight but became a knight in the end, a broken mountain, a movie about Grim Reapers, and a movie called Candy about drugs. Go figure.

The more pressing issue surrounding his death is that the release of the movie Dark Knight will now be put on the back burner. Ledger, who had been cast and was already finished filming as “The Joker”, is now dead. This wouldn’t be a problem (as we saw with the move The Crow) however the marketing and advertisement folks at Warner Brothers are worried that this image carries a very negative (and ironic) connotation. So. My mom made a casserole once.

Oddly enough, the upcoming movie Dark Knight is intended to be a remake of the 1989 masterpiece Batman. The post production Dark Knight is a sequel to Batman Begins, which is really a prequel to the original Batman, which makes Dark Knight a mathematical recursive loop. Mathematicians at Stanford University have released a statement saying “the recursive Batman loop is in no way connected to the death of Heath Ledger”.

The original Joker of the 1989 Batman was played by Jack Fucking Nicholson. His performance as “The Joker” is widely considered as his best, or maybe his appearance in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was his best…either way, he was pretty fucking good. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would be pretty pissed that some Shrimp on the Barbie bastard was trying to outdo me. Maybe Jack Nicholson killed Heath Ledger…(DUN DUN DUN!).

In Hollywood, there are several actors which you never, ever try to duplicate. It is an unwritten rule. I know you are thinking “but Ruko…how the fuck do you know anything about Hollywood?”. Well, the truth is, my eldest cousin is a big-wig for Universal Studios. If I owned a television, I could probably find a show, movie, or program on television every hour that he was directly affiliated with. That aside, he is in the know, which makes me a little bit in the know.

Actors such as Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Paul Newman, Robert Duvall, and Jack Fucking Nicholson are untouchables; trying to remake something they did really pisses off the Hollywood gods. When the Hollywood gods get pissed, they release upon us a swarm of chick-flicks, another Star Wars Episode, or a plethora of not so new and not so exciting reality television series that sweep the country. Mr. Ledger should have known better, and the Gods of awesome movies have killed him with lightning bolts and shit.

Eh. Either way, I am pissed that I didn’t put Heath on my Celebrity Death Pool list. He would have been a money addition.

For the past three days, Angry Romanian.com has been down due to a terrorist attack, launched by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye (which is roughly translated to “black dudes” I am told). Luckily, the attackers mistook Angry Romanian.com for a Romanian mail order bride website http://www.romanianmates.com/, which has been in direct competition with several Russian Mail Order Bride websites for some time.

Once the attackers realized their mistake, they wrote an apology via our Contact Form, promised to send some Borsch, and invited us to come and take part in a favorite Russian pastime called Solvoskenvskyeelan, which is essentially a naked snowball fight using frozen kitten heads instead of snowballs. I don’t really understand the concept myself, but who am I to judge a foreign culture? I figure it has to be similar to games played in the White House, so I figure I’ll give it a try.

With that being said, plan to see some big changes coming in the next month for Angry Romanian, including (but not limited to) more Spider Monkey videos (as requested by users), the release of Rob’s complete and unabridged novel about his recent colonoscopy, and the assassination of the only 3 benevolent DMV office clerks in the United States. Why you ask? Well, because we are Angry Romanian, and we know you expect nothing less.

-XOXOXOXO

Ruko the Wonder Dog

Occasionally I will come across something that just really blows my mind. In fact, I was so impressed with this video, I let the kidnapped hobos I keep in my basement come up and watch it. I then beat them and chained them back to the damp cinderblocks. They agreed that the video was indeed pretty funny.This video is old. In the world of teh internets, it’s already a classic. I don’t know where I have been that I missed this for over a year….oh yeah…that’s right. I had a life that didn’t revolve around stupid shit on the Internet. Now that I gots me a fancy Bachelor’s degree I am back to being bored and spend much of my free time surfing YouTube. You should see what I do on the weekends.

Anyways, watch this video. If you have already seen it, too fucking bad. This video only has about 15 million hits, which is a fairly small percentage of the 1.3 Billion internet users on the planet.

Enjoy. Or don’t, I really don’t give a fuck.

I drive a 1993 Civic Hatchback. It wasn’t my first choice; I needed a car and this was available. My previous truck violated nearly all of the DOT rules and tended to really piss off the local law enforcement. I like to stay out of the eyes of law enforcement…the Meth lab in my basement is now netting me a hefty profit and I don’t need any ociffers fucking that up.

When I purchased the car, the motor and transmission were blown, there were some serious electrical issues, and some other parts of the car were missing completely. For a price of $500 with a new motor, it was right in my price range. I was a full time student finishing my BS degree with no help from mommy and daddy. My job paid for my coke and prostitute addiction, leaving little money for other things. As the saying goes, desperate times call for cheap car purchases. I was sick of walking to work and school, and trading blowjobs for a ride really wasn’t my cup of tea.

I embarked on a mystical journey with this car, pulling the old motor, building and dropping in the new motor, performing an automatic to manual transmission conversion, and fixing the various problems with the car, only after I had attended classes and work each day. Having only some self taught mechanical experience, putting this thing back together was what some might call “a learning experience”. I call working in a poorly lit unheated garage in the middle of winter with little car knowledge “a fucking nightmare”. Either way, I finished the car after several weeks, a little bit at a time.

The car is not ricey. No 17″ chrome rims…just the stock 14″ steelies. I don’t have a vomit inducing body kit or flashy paint job. No annoying wings, no loud fart can, no performance stickers, no neon lights. The car is quick…if you consider a flat 15 in the quarter quick. It’s a Civic, not a performance vehicle. Next to a 4G63, or a SR20DE, or a 3SGTE, ANY inline Honda motor (with maybe the exception of a Type-R B series) is a far cry from a performance motor. But, like the saying goes, “when in Rome, you can lead a horse to water”.

Driving a Civic automatically makes people around you assholes. It’s true. Seeing a Civic on the road triggers a release of pheromones in the brain of males between the ages of 16 and 34. This pheromone makes us do stupid shit like street racing, fighting with other males, or going home from the bar with ugly/fat/ugly & fat women. These pheromones travel at light speed through glass and metal, and can subsequently trigger the same effect in surrounding males in other cars. I hate asshole drivers. Now that I drive a Civic, they come in droves, waiting for their chance to line up at a red light.

I’m sick of racing on the street. I know my car isn’t fast. I like the 36 mpg I get, but I have no disillusions about what my car is capable of. Instead of street racing, I’ve begun to play a new game. When a challenge has been initiated at a stop light, I bug my eyes out really crazy like, and then back up so the rear license plate is in view. On a pad of paper I write the plate number in big letters, then pull back up next to the adjacent car.

The next step is to display the plate number against the driver window so it is in view of the neighboring car. Just to top things off, I also like to lick the glass a bit.

It’s a bit unsettling, as is evident by the look on the faces. My only hope is that said driver worries that I will get his personal information using his plate. I am an ugly bastard, and I sure as shit wouldn’t want to see me on my doorstep.

I am not a master of the English language. Not by a long shot. I can speak eloquently when needed, my vocabulary exceeds that of the average college graduate, and I can usually convey my point on paper. I know that in itself isn’t impressive; it does separate me from many of you. Your comments and hate mail are often so unintelligible that I consult my 2 year old nephew to help make sense of them. I am not speaking of just deplorable grammar either…the butchering of the English language includes poor syntax and inexcusable spelling mistakes. Have you ever heard of spell check? Thesaurus? A dictionary? Fuck, I don’t care, next time your mother is wiping your ass, ask her to proofread the comment you are about to post. I don’t understand how many of you function in society. Hurray for the US education system.

While learning ASL I discovered that my trouble fingerspelling and/or verbally spelling words was most likely a result of some learning disability. Testing showed that I “probably” suffer from dyslexia in some form (doctors love the word “probably”…it helps prevent litigation). No wonder Cyrillic really screws with me. As a result, some words are exceptionally difficult for me to spell. I spell about as well as the French military strikes fear into the other countries of the world. Oui Oui.

The words listed below on the left look correct to me but in reality are all kinds of fucked up. The correct spellings are on the right, caught and corrected by spell check.

becuase - (because)
strait - I use this in place of “straight” all the time.
Egnland - (England)
maintainence - (maintenance)
Buhdda - (Buddha)
tounge - (tongue)
gaurantee - (guarantee)
recieve - (receive)
tiolet - (toilet)
recipeint - (recipient)
lotoin - (lotion)
scheduel - (schedule)

You get the gist. I swap letters like semen at a snowball party. Vowels are the most difficult…especially that fucking “U” letter. Do we even really need it? I mean, if we had a nice 25 letters instead of 26, would it really matter? We already have W, which is really just two “U”s glued together. True story.

I recently played (and lost) a game of Letterpillar with my young nephew. Please click here to see a picture of the cover of the game. Scary eh? I think they should rename this game “bad acid trip with letters everywhere”. Christ, it’s downright disturbing. Either way, I could not effectively play this game even if I really had to.

So what is my point? The point is, when the guy with dyslexia writes better than the majority of you turds without dyslexia, then we have a serious fucking problem. If you take a minute to add a comment, take an additional second to re-read it for simple mistakes.

kthx. glad we had this talk.

What is the worst thing about NY? Well, that is a tricky question. To help illustrate why this is such a difficult question, here is a simple scenario.

You walk into a room. On a very long table sit equal sized piles of shit from every breed of dog on the planet. Pretend each pile of shit represents one aspect of life in New York State. All of the piles are all fresh and still warm. Now, you have to eat one of the piles of shit. Which do you pick?

Early Wednesday this week, winds hitting 60+ mph and hurricane like torrential downpour battered Western NY with such a fury that power has still not been restored to certain parts of the area. On Tuesday, temperatures hit 69 degrees, shattering a record high of 56 degrees set in 1942. Four days before that, the temperature dropped to 12 degrees Fahrenheit with a 20 mph wind chill about -5. One week prior to that, we received 2 feet of snow in an hour. With that being said, I think the weather here might take the cake.

The weather in western NY might be the worst on the planet. No joke. It is classified as a “Humid Continental Climate” which is really just a fancy of way of saying “really fucking erratic weather all year round”. It isn’t even that uncommon to see weather like we have had this past week. It isn’t the worst by a long shot either. We get snow in June on occasion, summer like conditions in the middle of winter, and the wind here blows more than Jasmine St. Claire on the set of “The Worlds Biggest Gang Bang”. Temperature extremes in the summer and winter kill off the elderly faster than a good old fashion influenza pandemic. Have you ever seen a flash flood? I have. We get them about 3 times a year. Tornados? Yup, we get those too. Par for the course.

I guess the positive aspect of our shit climate is that we get sick all the time. The ranging temperatures really fuck with your immune system, and all that water in the form of rain, sleet, golf ball sized hail, or several feet of snow provides a breeding ground for disease not unlike that of Pamela Anderson’s crusty vagina. New York residents get the cold and/or flu an average of 2.6 times per year. But how is that a positive aspect you ask? Being sick is inevitable. Once you get sick though, you can share it with all of your close friends, roommates, and co-workers! Like the old saying says, “if you can’t beat ‘em, sneeze in their face so they get sick too”. I don’t know who said that, but I am sure they were wise beyond their years.

Moral of the story? Fuck you guys, I’m moving back to Atlanta.

The End.