No, we are not talking about the Mets 162nd game last year or the 1980 Olympic hockey gold medal game (the Americans cheated). The only thing worse than an old man trying to pick up an attractive young college girl at the bar is imagining that old man standing in his closet while his wife sleeps, wacking off to the idea of meeting her at the local Motel 6. One can only picture “Mark” desperately tearing through the phone book looking for a girl for whom he only had a name. Luckily we caught this uncomfortable phone conversation on tape. Here’s to you Mark, hope cancer catches up with you soon.

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There is only one thing worse than working in retail, and that is talking about it with friends and family. We have to deal with the unwashed masses all day. We deal with all sorts of abuse from flat faced trailer trash, know it all Asians, “lets make a deal” Indians, and, a computer salesperson’s nightmare, old people.

So getting back to my point; retail workers are masochists. After eight hours fighting the urge to choke slam the next redneck that insists on buying an RCA 32″ tube over a Samsung 32″ LCD because, “that there screen looks bigger”, we promptly head to a bar or the home of a coworker, and spend hours rehashing all the negative encounters of the day, week or year. We then stumble home at three in the morning to catch four hours of sleep before doing it all over again.

Although these little get-togethers are generally bad for our health, both mentally and physically, they occasionally yield positive results. The other night we were talking about selling extended warranties. It’s bad enough we have to humor the retards who darken out big box doorways, but we also have to try to sell them a warranty on the landfill fodder they are purchasing. Some buy it, most don’t. There are a million-and-one reasons customers will give for not buying a warranty. Here is a sampling of few of the most frequent/humorous we have heard over the years. This was recorded at a late night bitch fest, so any slurring, stutrettering, or excessive laughter can be blamed on Captain Morgan.

 

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If you are in the industry I’m sure you can relate, if not, please consider brushing up on your warranty refusal rhetoric. And remember, there is a direct correlation between how you treat your salesperson and how Ruko and the rest of the warehouse staff treat that $2400 TV you just refused to buy a warranty on.

I feel a sadness over the death of CompUSA only a son can feel for a deceased father. A father who gave him cigarette burns and genital warts. Happily, the death of America’s worst national retailer has been a slow one, culminating in its final death throes. (AKA liquidation) Even better is the fact that their managers, the pricks who gave us all such a hard time over the years, have yet to turn their voicemail off. Listen and enjoy.

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