I’ve been a member of Ebay since 2000. After recently cleaning through boxes of old stuff, I began to sell off the contents of boxes of shit with no sentimental or personal value. Some of the smaller stuff is actually fetching good prices, while fewer items sell far short of what I had expected. Either way, it is nice to supplement my income. I definitely need that extra income too…student loans and crack rocks get expensive.

Upon closer inspection I realized that my selling endeavors with Ebay weren’t exactly as lucrative as I thought. A breakdown of the listing insertion fees, final value fees, extra fees, and other unexplained fees were costing me a hefty portion of what I was actually netting. To make matters worse, Ebay owned Paypal then takes an additional 3% off of the top of all Ebay payments (deducted from the seller, not the buyer). When all was said and done, I was getting the proverbial dick, balls deep from the Ebay empire every time I sold something.

*I now realize that the term “balls deep” may not make sense to you. In a previous post I used the term “balls deep” and received 2 emails asking what the term meant. No joke. So, allow me to explain. Imagine that you have a phallus shaped sword. The hilt of this sword is shaped like a set of testicles. Now, if you were to plunge this sword into a person all the way to the gonad shaped hilt, it would be “balls deep”. I know that is a little elaborate, but the volume of “virgin” readers here at AngryRomanian don’t seem to have a grasp on the physics of sexual intercourse yet. I would say “don’t worry…you aren’t missing anything” but that would be a completely dishonest statement. Anyways, back to my point.

I rejoiced yesterday when I discovered that Ebay has decided it prudent to lower insertion fees for sellers. Additionally, Ebay has now dropped fees from certain things like gallery listings. Unfortunately, Ebay stills bans the sale of Laotian slaves. But you can purchase entire porn companies. Wish I had $100K.

So what did I do then? I did exactly what they wanted me to do. I put up some auctions. What can I say…I am a consumer whore (and how!) falling for every disguised shit sandwich that Ebay shovels down my throat.

Obedience is delicious.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This may sound cliché, but it’s true. I have been sick going on two weeks and I just might snap. (or die, one or the other) I’m also sick and tired of this sorry assed health care system we are all forced to endure. Service, value and satisfaction are atrocious at every level of this system. Let me walk you through my recent experience as a demonstration of this statement. By the end, hopefully you will be as angry as me; ready to start running BMW’s off the road and choke slamming people at the pharmacy.

Let’s start with the doctors:

These overpaid pricks don’t listen to a damn word you say. They simply fill out prescriptions and nod their heads as you tell them your tale of sorrow. After you have finished speaking your doctor will check his watch, tell you he hopes you feel better, and hand you a prescription or two as he rushes off to his next appointment. I’m glad I paid a co-pay, not to mention my astronomical health insurance premium, to be treated like a nuisance. If I was looking for that kind of shit I would have taken my $20 bill to a high-end titty bar.

Next stop: the pharmacy.

I approach the pharmacy counter with two prescriptions in hand. Under the counter is a really slick sign portraying a friendly, wizened old white guy, personally handing over a prescription to an elderly customer. This particular pharmacy’s slogan is, “With Us, It’s Personal.” Sounds comforting, right? Not so fast! Seems they mean, “With Us, It’s Personal” in a guido, dagoish, mafia sort of way. You know, the old, “Tony, it’s not personal, it’s all business - capisce?” Followed by the speaker putting 47 rounds, in a very businesslike manner, into Tony. Except with this drug store someone must have pissed them off enough so that they have moved right past business to a personal sort of vendetta against the customer. I stroll up to the counter and a charming young woman with enough tattoos to put the average NBA power forward to shame stares at me. There is no “hello”, or “can I help you”, just a threatening stare. I hand her the prescriptions. She throws them on a pile and she says, “three hours”. Looming over her shoulder is a corporate poster proclaiming, “Most prescriptions filled while you wait”. I guess this is a somewhat subjective policy so I decided not to challenge the angry, work-release, tattooed pharmacy troll on it.

Three hours later a less intimidating but equally unfriendly women informs me my bill is $148. Long story short, the doctor wrote both prescriptions for name brands. More than likely some scum sucking, bottom feeding, piece of shit drug rep was behind this horseshit. After an excruciating two step with my doctor’s voice prompt system I managed to have the generic prescription faxed over and finally was on my way home, in the dark, sick and pissed off.

Why am I telling you all this? In case you hadn’t noticed, the word “angry” appears in the name of the website, and I am mighty pissed off. It’s over week later and I feel as bad as I did a week ago. So, keep an eye out for the next installment of this series as I rant about the Hospital, the ICU, and the bedside administration of last rights, as my health and well being steadily deteriorate as I attempt to navigate through our profit based, patient unfriendly health care system.

Although we, the editors of Angry Romanian, usually deal in lighthearted misogyny, racism, and scatological humor, I have decided to take a moment to give you all some serious advice. I spent ten long years working in consumer electronics. I’ve sold computers, audio equipment, televisions, and appliances. In addition to selling all that landfill fodder I have also managed the little twerps at these stores you have grown to hate. Rarely will you get the honest, inside scoop like this - so listen up shit heads!! Here is a list of eight very good reasons you should never, ever buy an extended warranty on consumer electronics.

1. The Salesperson - There are several very good reasons the salesperson at your local BestBuy, Circuit City, or Fry’s has for selling you a warranty. All of these reasons revolve around him, not you. He is either paid a commission for selling you the warranty; under extreme duress from his manager to sell you the warranty, or involved in a contest to see who can extort the most warranty dollars from the sheep. (that’s you - the stupid customers) At Christmas time all three of the above criteria are likely true. Your salesperson will tell ANYTHING to sell you a warranty. On site? - yep; 24 hour turnaround? - sure; new parts? - of course; three years begins after the manufacturers warranty? - sounds good. Trust me - I’ve made a ton of cash selling extended service plans in my lifetime. The lying comes naturally. Part of this is your fault - retail salespeople grow to hate the general buying public pretty quick, and therefore their propensity to lie to you grows exponentially. If you weren’t such a filthy pack of advertising driven zombie lunatics consumer electronics retailers might not have to depend on warranty sales for profits.

2. The Sales Manager - I made a lot of money doing this job. One year I maximized on my warranty bonus structure and received a $7500 check for my trouble. This was on top of the monthly bonus money I received. A good sales manager is willing to put an incredible amount of mental and sometimes physical pressure on his minions to sell warranties. I had a policy that the highest TAP (that’s what we called it at CompUSA) salesperson got to leave with the last customer. The rest had to stay and move boxes and dust laptops. The two lowest performers had to pull printers and monitors from overstock. Again, there are no boundaries a driven sales manager will not cross to make his numbers. Back in the middle ages of computer retail (the late 90’s) the internet wasn’t as useful as it is now, and customers were defiantly not as savvy in using it. Most shoppers did not check out prices online before they came into the store. I would mark up all the desktop computers $100 and all the laptops $200. My salespeople would use the “bump” to sell warranties. “I know you say you don’t want the $400 laptop warranty but what if I knock $100 off?” “No you say? How about $200 off?” Boy we fucked a lot of people like that.

3. The General Manager - Same as the Sales Manager just an older guy.

4. The Regional Manager - Same as the General Manager except the death threats and insults come from another city via conference call.

(more…)

I have gone my entire life without allergies. Now that I’m in my mid twenties, nature deemed it fit to bless me with allergies. I enjoyed three weeks of hell during late August, which left me almost for dead, it was so bad. Now that it’s early November some other pollen from hell is tearing me a new asshole to try to breath through, but oh no it clogs that hole up too with phlegm and shit! As I sit here writing this I am sneezing so much my keyboard is sticky…well not all that is from sneezing…

Now my point is the pharmaceutical industry. I managed to try every kind of over the counter allergy medication at least once. Now not one, I repeat NOT ONE has worked at all. Not even to stop a runny nose for 20 minutes. These money grubbing mother fuckers charge me $12.99 for a placebo that doesn’t even trick my body into thinking it works. You’d think that in a multi-billion dollar industry, at least someone would come up with something to kick this piece of shit “sickness” in the sack. But oh wait, I think I just answered my question. It’s a “multi-billion dollar industry”…why make a cure and end the cash cow that fills the pockets of thousands of millionaires around the globe.

So thank you, thank you for sticking a rod up each and every consumer’s ass and prancing us around like dolls as you take what you want from our pockets. But we all know Hell has a spot picked out just for you, a nice big chair with the real people from Hostel ready to have some fun with your soul for eternity. So keep up the good work, and ENJOY!

Today I walked through the mall on my way to replace a Craftsman socket at Sears. The mall is a horrid place, full of all the people I would send on a one way trip to Darfur if I could afford that many plane fares. A chill ran up my spine as I neared the eerie orange glow of the crown-laden Hallmark store, decked from floor to ceiling in hackneyed Halloween bullshit.

Of all the things that I loathe in corporate capitalist America, Hallmark would definitely be icing on the cake. Now, I know you are thinking “it’s just a card company, right?” WRONG! Hallmark is Satan, in paper, plastic, and porcelain form. They are trying to take over the world and spread the word of the dark lord, one holiday at a time. Hallmark now owns a television broadcasting company, Crayola Crayons, Hallmark Music Division, the Hallmark Photographic collection, and a bunch of other shit that undoubtedly relates to Satan worshipping somehow.

The devil is smart. It’s really hard to push the whole “carve pentagrams into your forehead and sacrifice virgins” to the general public…so el diablous one had to find a new avenue. But where to find that kind of sacrilege that appeals to the general population?? The answer is Hallmark, of course.

I mean, last time I read the bible, I must have missed the part about Santa Clause kicking back a few frosty beers with the three kings, or the Easter Bunny throwing colorful eggs at the Roman Legion. In Hallmarkland however, all holidays have lost their real meaning. Fuck that Jesus guy; show your Christmas spirit instead by buying this cheeky light up reindeer that dances and sings “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” when you stick your finger in its butthole. Every holiday brings a boatload of cheap, mass produced Chinese crap, and we all can’t get enough of it.

So, while you all buy Satan’s wares, baby Jesus cries. Lucifer however, prepares the dildo of pain and suffering. And that shit doesn’t come with lube or a reach around.

Happy fucking Halloween.

Today I witnessed what could have been the single most amazing thing ever, yet it was not to be. As I sat waiting at a stop light, a boy of about 8 years old became distracted while riding his bike. As his bike began to wobble back and forth, a large truck accelerated through the intersection to beat a waning yellow light. In an attempt to gain control, the boy merged off the sidewalk towards the road and towards a 2 ½ ton speeding GMC. Time slowed to nearly a standstill. My hands clenched tightly around the steering wheel, expecting to see the boy instantly transformed into human jelly, garnishing the truck’s grill like apple chutney on a pork loin. Instead, the curb twisted the front bike tire, sending the boy tumbling onto the grass median between the road and sidewalk.

I already know what you are thinking…”dude, you are a sick motherfucker”. You would be correct in that assumption. While I would have felt bad for the boy for a couple of hours, his death would have a strong affect on this country. All people die, and some people die in a grotesque manner. When little kids die in a grotesque manner, it tends to attract the publics attention.

The distraction that caused this near accident was a cellular telephone. The young boy nearly rolled into his own gruesome death because a most awesome text message prevented his other hand from steering him away from the road. This kid is probably half the legal driving age, but has a cell and was using it while riding a bike. Ironically enough, the driver of the truck was also distracted by a cell phone glued to his ear. I don’t believe that he is even aware that he almost crushed the frail body of an eight year old boy with his excessively large truck. Both people were in their own electronic worlds, oblivious to reality.

Had this accident occurred, I would be the first one in line to make a statement to the police. I would gladly tell police that asshole “A” in truck could have prevented the accident but was much too busy talking to asshole “B” at the other end. I would be right there on the stand in court, begging the court to impose nothing less than a manslaughter prison sentance for this man. I would then explain to the mourning parents exactly why their beloved son careened off of the sidewalk into the path of the sheet metal reaper. My demeanor would be condescending, suggesting that their cell phone purchase for little Joey was a “killer” gift (wocka wocka!) and that their failure as parents will haunt them for eternity.

At first I thought it might be a good idea to impose a minimum age limit for cell phone usage like India’s government has already done. However, the more I thought about this, the more I began to believe that increasing the signal strength in child specific cell phones would be an excellent idea. There is nothing that does growing brain cells good like high intensity radiation. Besides, after a few kids die of agonizing cell phone related brain tumors, maybe the influx of ineffectual parents will see the value in not giving a child a cell phone.

If I ever find a woman willing to carry a child of mine, a cell phone for said child is absolutely out of the fucking question. Instead, I’m gonna give my kid a book of W.B. Yeats or something that will encourage brain growth instead of hampering it.

~Ruko

Well you have to hand it to McDonald’s. There is no false advertising here. Take a job working for Ronald and Co. and someday you will be lucky enough to afford your own bicycle. Woo-Hoo!!!! In case you can’t read the blurred words toward the bottom (I took this photo with my cell-phone) it says, “I’m taking my career as far as I can”. Although it’s easy to bash McDonald’s for — well — being McDonald’s — I think the real problem lies in in the fact that the economy and the job market are so dismal, for so many, that working the line at a burger joint is appealing. How many kids are in high school thinking — someday I hope to be making eight dollars an hour handing sacks of heart disease out a little window. Hopefully not too many. Unfortunately this is the fate of more and more people as jobs are sent overseas and inner-city public schools get worse. Anyway, I guess I should climb down from my soap box and get my fat ass down to Micky D’s and help some poor slob put a ten-speed on layaway.

Does the title of this post refer to drug dealers, Nazis, pedophiles, oil executives, Romanians, or even the elderly? Not even close! What do all these groups have in common? They will all be joining Mother Theresa, Gandhi and other assorted kiss-asses in heaven way before anyone associated with the cell-phone industry. Talk about a group of evil assholes that know they have you by the balls. How many people do you know that don’t have a cell phone? Exactly!!!! So why bother providing clear bills, good customer service, or reliable products? It’s a trick question–because they don’t. Not to cingule out any particular company, whose logo is a glowing orange x, but I’m at the point where I want to find a Zach Morris style phone(see above picture), go to my nearest cell-phone store and shove it up the managers ass — sideways!!!! Or even better - blow up his fucking car remotely with a cell-phone. In your face Alanis Morissette — because that would actually be ironic — Don’t ya think!! I could go on but the guns need oiling,the ammunition needs counting, and I have a dump truck full of fertilizer arriving any minute.