What is the worst thing about NY? Well, that is a tricky question. To help illustrate why this is such a difficult question, here is a simple scenario.

You walk into a room. On a very long table sit equal sized piles of shit from every breed of dog on the planet. Pretend each pile of shit represents one aspect of life in New York State. All of the piles are all fresh and still warm. Now, you have to eat one of the piles of shit. Which do you pick?

Early Wednesday this week, winds hitting 60+ mph and hurricane like torrential downpour battered Western NY with such a fury that power has still not been restored to certain parts of the area. On Tuesday, temperatures hit 69 degrees, shattering a record high of 56 degrees set in 1942. Four days before that, the temperature dropped to 12 degrees Fahrenheit with a 20 mph wind chill about -5. One week prior to that, we received 2 feet of snow in an hour. With that being said, I think the weather here might take the cake.

The weather in western NY might be the worst on the planet. No joke. It is classified as a “Humid Continental Climate” which is really just a fancy of way of saying “really fucking erratic weather all year round”. It isn’t even that uncommon to see weather like we have had this past week. It isn’t the worst by a long shot either. We get snow in June on occasion, summer like conditions in the middle of winter, and the wind here blows more than Jasmine St. Claire on the set of “The Worlds Biggest Gang Bang”. Temperature extremes in the summer and winter kill off the elderly faster than a good old fashion influenza pandemic. Have you ever seen a flash flood? I have. We get them about 3 times a year. Tornados? Yup, we get those too. Par for the course.

I guess the positive aspect of our shit climate is that we get sick all the time. The ranging temperatures really fuck with your immune system, and all that water in the form of rain, sleet, golf ball sized hail, or several feet of snow provides a breeding ground for disease not unlike that of Pamela Anderson’s crusty vagina. New York residents get the cold and/or flu an average of 2.6 times per year. But how is that a positive aspect you ask? Being sick is inevitable. Once you get sick though, you can share it with all of your close friends, roommates, and co-workers! Like the old saying says, “if you can’t beat ‘em, sneeze in their face so they get sick too”. I don’t know who said that, but I am sure they were wise beyond their years.

Moral of the story? Fuck you guys, I’m moving back to Atlanta.

The End.

This is just a strait up angry rant. There is nothing funny about it. If you aren’t interested in reading my complaints, go and fuck yourself and come back tomorrow when I am not so heated.

During my early to mid teens, rap and hip hop music became somewhat of a phenomenon. This genre was not entirely new; its roots could be traced back to the 1970’s and arguably before that. None the less, it was good.

I’m not playing that “when I was your age…” card. I never had to walk 50 miles in waist high snow, uphill both ways anywhere. I had a tape deck when I was a kid, and we all swapped bootlegged copies of NWA, Digital Underground, Ice T, and of course, the ever popular Run DMC. We liked the music, but had to keep the audible levels down so our parents wouldn’t hear the occasional talk of “hoes” and “niggas”. I got my first CD player shortly after I lost my virginity to my best friend’s mom (I was about 13 at the time). On the way out the door, I made sure to steal it and then threatened “statutory rape!” if she called the cops. Compact Discs really opened up a whole new world to me.

Tapes were out, and the new music was on CDs. The hip hop/rap of the time consisted of groups like Biggie, Tupac, Warren, Snoop, Dre, Method and the Wu-tang, Mobb Deep, Bone Thugs, and all that other classic shit of the early to mid 1990’s. It was fucking solid music and is often still played on radio and found on movie soundtracks. These guys were angry motherfuckers for sure. They smoked weed, fucked with hoes and tricks, and 187’d the fucking pigs down in Compton, ATL, and NYC. It’s no wonder half of them are now dead.

I realized that I was old when I no longer liked the new hip hop released by modern artists. The younger kids I work with love this new shit, and I definitely do not fucking understand. Every time I hear Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girl”, I am tempted to buy airfare to his home and give him a hand with the suicidal problem he seems to have. Soulja Boy? He needs to take a superman flying leap off of a very tall building. I am praying for the demise of Kanye West. I am so sure of his impending dirt nap that I have added him to my list of 12 celebrities most likely to die this year. The only thing more puzzling than the #1 Billboard hit “Low” are the 100’s of youtube videos of pasty as fuck, wanna be ghetto kids shaking their asses (off beat as fuck I may add) to this song. More disturbing is the fact that the lyrics “apple bottom jeans, boots with the furr, tha whole club was lookin at hurr” has spawned an entire fashion statement. I have seen asses in Apple Bottom Jeans with furry boots that should never be viewed by a man. I lost my ability to maintain an erection for about 24 hours afterwards, but it’s okay because T-Pain said so.

Bah. Whats the point. It makes very little sense to me, just like the reason why my urine was neon green and smelled like Oreo cookies this morning. I’ve tossed out my love for the Hip Hop, and now focus on Metal and angry music of Europe.

Volunteer firefighters may take the top spot for my absolute favorite people. It isn’t because they are brave, or selfless, or good Samaritans. I like volunteer firefighters because they are absolutely, 100% bat-shit insane. I know I’m a little off in the sanity department, but those guys are really crazy. They aren’t even getting paid and they still do it.

It takes some kind of sick desperation to make a man/women run into a burning building willingly. A burning building harbors all kinds of dangerous shit just waiting to hurt you. Exploding glass, basement meth labs, flaming dogs (you know dogs aren’t going to give up the watchdog status just because they are on fire), and all kinds of other burning shit makes going into a burning house a pretty risky bet. Additionally, volunteer firefighters are armed with only an axe and a hose. To tackle an entire blaze, a bunch of firefighters have to come hard and gang bang that bitch.

I am definitely not cut out for that kind of work. I mean, fire is cool and all, but being cooked alive kind of pisses me off. In fact, if I were a volunteer firefighter, I would probably bust out some hot dogs and just let the fucker burn. Besides, if you actually fight the fire, you have to wind up all those hoses afterwards, and I bet that is a real pain in the ass.

I think my early exposure to the movie Backdraft ruined any chance of me ever becoming a volunteer firefighter. That scene where one of the 72 Baldwin brothers (can’t remember which one) saves the mannequin thinking it’s a real girl and then misses out on the vulnerable hero-idolization pussy really hit me hard. To make matters worse, his whole crew then harassed him about it and then beat his ass for being such a nancy boy. I don’t think I could go through that kind of trauma, and you know that the mannequin shit happens all the time in the firefighting industry.

You volunteer firefighters are better men/women than I am.

As the Christmas/Chanukah/Eid Al Adha/Kwanza/Whatthefuckever approaches, I always find myself increasingly annoyed by some people’s display of holiday cheer. While I personally dislike the holiday time immensely, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with showing some spirit…to a point. There are a whole lot of you assbags however, that really don’t know when you have taken it too far.

Now before I go into my rant, this post will apply mostly to certain celebrators of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza. You know why I like the Muslims? Because for their December holiday (Eid Al Adha, or Kurban Bayram? for all of you Turks that frequent angryromanian) they slaughter a lamb and then eat lamb chops. No decorations, no wrapping paper, no bullshit- just kill and eat. The sacrificial slaughter tends to really piss off PETA, but who gives two shits what they think anyways. Overall, Eid Al Adha sounds like my kind of celebration.

For the rest of you who insist on sprucing up trees and other shit around the yard, I have compiled a simple guide to prevent you from overdoing it this year.

Too Many Fucking Decorations - Extremists are always wrong. That includes those of you that take decorating your house/lawn to the fucking max. NASA doesn’t need to see your house from space. Besides you, the only people that really like this is your power company. My neighbors are guilty of this. You would think that Las Vegas was recently built right next door to my house. Unfortunately, prostitutes have not been attracted by the lights; only decrepit old people. I hate decrepit old people.

Inflatable Vinyl Holiday Things - These things are not cute, they are not clever, and the only time I like these is when they are deflated on the ground. Inflatable decorations should be left to frat parties and lonely men unable to find a real companion. Please stop putting these in front of your houses.

Stop Decorating Ugly Trees- I know that Charlie Brown Christmas was an epic Christmas cartoon, but that doesn’t justify throwing lights and glitter on every fucking tree on your god damn yard. Everywhere I go I see this. You should all be very careful…one of these years, that tree you annually load up with glass balls and lights is going to unroot itself, get a World Gym membership, and stick one of its branches up your ass for all of those years of degradation.

Decorating Shit That Shouldn’t Be Decorated - Stop putting a buttload of lights or other holiday cheer shit on crazy crap sitting in your yards. The big red bow on the mailbox, obnoxious wreaths on toolsheds, negro lawn jockeys decked in Christmas cheer, etc…this shit needs to stop. I’ve seen it all and I’m fucking tired of it.

I hope that this little guide has enlightened at least one of you, but probably not.

The art of the well written Chinese cookie is dead. I have had nothing but weird fucking experiences with them lately. I think the Chinese have it out for us, I really do. Recently I cracked open a cookie only to be greeted with, “take care of everything as soon as possible because you never know when time will run out.” Fucking thing basically told me I was going to die. Thanks!!

Maybe the Chinese could be more like the Japanese, with their pimped out cars and houses decked out in Sony shit, if they weren’t so preoccupied with harassing Americans with cryptic little messages.
That fortune pissed me off pretty bad. My only consolation was imagining a pathetic skinny little Chinamen, bitter over his short little wang, writing these things in a room the size of a cardboard box, hacking away at an old-school rusty typewriter that is missing the L key.(which would explain a lot about Asian speech patterns.) This guy must thinks he is pretty fucking clever, knowing gluttonous American douche nozzles are reading it, assuming their fate is tied to a small piece of literature which isn’t even worthy to serve as toilet paper to wipe my crusty asshole with.

But you haven’t heard anything yet.

Just the other day, I was at a local Chinese restaurant eating some damn tasty sesame chicken. I think the only way an Asian man could make me wet would be by cooking me some damn fine sesame chicken. Anywho, at the end of the meal the usual Fortune Cookie is presented. So I rip that shit open like the hulk does his white fruit-of-a-loom t-shirt. I read, “Are your legs tired? You’ve been running through my mind ALL day long.” Yes, that’s right, a mother fucking pick up line in a fortune cookie.
This is an all time low for the Chinese. Now, not only do they suck in bed but they are resorting to picking up chicks through desert cookies. What’s next? A fortune that reads, “You Gonna Get Raped.”

-Kakes

Thanks for the guest contribution. I look forward to the steady stream of hate mail coming in from the Middle Kingdom.

If you would like to contribute content to Angry Romanian click here.

Snakes are the most terrifying fucking creatures on the whole of planet Earth. I really can’t explain why, but those of you who share my fear of snakes understand. I would rather have my pinkies cut off than to be put into that clear plexiglass box of snakes on Fear Factor. In fact, if I was on Fear Factor and they brought out that box of snakes, I would tear Joe Rogan’s arm off and use it to break a hole in the concrete studio wall so I could escape. I really hate Joe Rogan anyways, so I might tear his arm off even if it was a box full of spiders. I’m totally cool with spiders.

While doing a Google image search today, I managed to find a whole following of men and women that are into “Snake Sex”. If you have never seen it, I encourage you not to, because it’s some pretty twisted stuff. The more I thought about what I had witnessed, the more it began to make sense. Snakes are for men and women that like dick. Yes, you read that correctly. If you like snakes, there is an excellent chance that you like the penis as well.

Think about the phallic nature of a snake; it has a head, the middle shaft or body, and the tail. A man’s penis has these things too, with the exception of a tail…unless you consider the spleen the “tail” of the dick. In the words of Robert Shimmel, “who’s to say where the spleen ends and the dick begins?”

I’m not the first to make this observation. This snake shit goes back a long ways in time. Medusa, Cleopatra, Adam & Eve, Steve Irwin, etc. You know what the serpent really said to Adam in the Garden of Eden? It wasn’t some bullshit about apples. It’s true; ask a Jew about the old testament. Why do you think rattlesnake surprise isn’t on the list of “kosher shit”?

Look at the movie Snakes on a Plane. Isn’t it funny that the lead actor is a black man? No stereotypical big black dick jokes needed here. You know Samuel L. Jackson tore the ass out of that hottie behind the set. You don’t have to be a philosophy major to know that movie was about big scary dicks with venomous teeth. They didn’t even look like snakes.

I then began to think about all of the people I have known that have owned snakes as pets. The men were either super macho or somewhat feminine, and the women were usually good looking, aggressive, and sexually promiscuous (in any of the aforementioned cases, big fans of penis).

As much as I hate snakes, if my penis could unhinge it’s jaw and eat a whole bullfrog, I think I might have to try it.

~rUkO

A couple of years ago our great nation had a pissin’ match over niggas working for free. After the south endured a good ass wuppin’, the use of their defeated flag was confined to rednecks who still believe one day the south would somehow retake their God given right to own blacks…oh excuse me, niggas…and enjoy being rednecks in their big trailer park down in the deep south, separated from people who enjoy an education.

Nowadays these mullet wearin’ rednecks can be found everywhere throughout America. Most proudly display their “heritage” by flying a Confederate flag at there house, or in the back window of their busted truck. Their owners make sure to keep to a certain code. This code requires either:

(A) A run down trailer with random QVC products thrown all over the 10 square foot lawn. The flag is proudly displayed on their $1.49 Wal-Mart special flag pole.

(B) Double wide trailer with 2 broken down cars in the driveway. Again flown on a flag pole but this time not on special at Wal-Mart so they were forced to steal pvc pipe from their neighbor.

(C) Busted 67′ Ford truck with enough rust to question if it even has a body, gun rack with no less then 4 guns displayed, and a deer carcus strapped to the front. The flag is displayed nicely in the rear window with the guns.

These examples are of course subject to slight variations to suite the need of the individual redneck.

However, I recently witnessed a clear violation of this code. I happen to be driving down a local highway in my little Japanese made car, enjoying a Monday afternoon, when I looked to my right and saw a Pontiac Sunfire (the poor white suburban chick’s “quick” car). Normally I would disregard this piece of shit, but I noticed a Confederate Flag…..STICKERED on the back bumper. Lets review the facts. This dumbass is displaying his redneck views via a 4 x 6 sticker. Now any of the above three examples are like bug spray to blacks. They scream “If you are seen near this area, you might get lynched because we hate blacks and we don’t know why!!”.

I seriously hope this dumb mother fucker is driving through a rough neighborhood and totally gets lit up by “stray” gun fire from every directions. If your gonna tell everyone “I’m an ignorant mother fucker” do it properly. Have some respect for mullets and trailer parks. Think of it this way, would you rather be caught and beaten to death in your Pontiac Sunfire which totally screams I’m gay and don’t know it yet, or in your poster child redneck busted to shit truck that totally screams I’m proud to be a ignorant mother fucker?

Make a choice.

I have a great deal of respect for female porn stars. It’s not everyday you find somebody willing to do absolutely disgusting and humbling sexual acts for a grand or two. But why do I like them? It’s not for their silicone enhanced breasts or acting abilities. The answer is simply that they have a fucking awful, degrading job, and they like it. That makes them a better person than myself, because I have a fucking awful job, and I go home and cry myself to sleep every night.

Comparatively, female porn stars have less of a conscience than assassins. It’s true. Female pornstars are well aware that people are viewing their work for one reason, and one reason alone, and they are oddly okay with that. The average hitman leaves the industry after 8 years due to moral issues with the job. Not female porn stars though…they get forced out after approximately 12 years when they start to look old and are no longer marketable. Assassins’ will usually exercise a “no women, no children rule”. Female pornstars aren’t nearly as selective. Men, women, animals, household items…you name it, and there is probably a website full of women fucking it. If you don’t believe me, please reference the PG-13 rated website about two girls and a cup. And that is definitely not the worst. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

I mean, paying a hitman in Brooklyn 1000 bucks to pull a trigger and paying a woman 1000 dollars to take a shot of cum from 3 guys in EVERY mucus membrane while being filmed are two very different things. Assassins know that if they are whacking somebody, the target individual must have pissed of somebody bad enough to justify the bill. They sleep well at night knowing that the people they have killed were most likely flaming assholes. I am surprised that a female pornstar can sleep at all. Besides lacking even a shred of dignity, realizing that thousands of lonely men will be jerking off to your exploitation on screen would really bother me…and that’s saying a lot, because I’d kill your grandmother for a large pizza.

It’s important to note here that I am not really a fan of male pornstars, mostly because it’s not a bad job. Besides the danger of crossing swords, male porn stars have it pretty good. Most of the females in porn are pretty hot. Not the guys though. To put it bluntly, some of the male porn stars in the biz are absolutely fucking appalling. Ron Jeremy? That guy gives Ugly nightmares. And he isn’t the worst looking of all of them. Trust me. I’m a connoisseur. I know.

The worst part of a female pornstar’s job however, is the stigma that follows the job. They will never again be respected by family members, they will have a difficult time finding a non-pornographic job (many businesses include a clause that prohibits any relationship with the pornography industry in any way as a PR thing), and have an exceptionally difficult time finding a relationship outside of work (unless you guys are into other men/women/whatever fucking your girlfriend).

So…regardless of whether you work in a assembly line at a factory or mop up cum from a XXX theatre floor, realize that regardless of how bad your day is you won’t have your head crammed into a toilet while your ass is violently pounded.

~ruko

I never cease to be impressed by the kind of people you get to see on television. I turned on the local news channel this morning to check the weather. There was a video journalist reporting on Paranormal Activity at one of the local cemeteries. It has always seemed to me that video journalists are stupid and shady, it’s hard to trust someone that you never get to see. Anyway… These two fucking bull dykes were standing in a cemetery, one with a camera, one with a pen and pad, you know the proper equipment required to record paranormal activity. The first one of was explaining how when she walks by the graves she feels something (in her twat) from the other side (a black guy). The other was explaining how she goes into a trance and starts drawing people from the other side. The drawings looked like aliens from bad 1960’s movies. Sometimes when they take pictures in the cemetery they see a light in the frame, more commonly known as glare.

The strange thing was the report was not a documentary, instead it was shown during the news, the fucking NEWS. The only time when television is supposed to be about current events and/or facts, during the news, that’s when they decided to have a report about two mental cases with a hobby. It’s sad that the right the most unbiased television news source in North America today is BBC News (British Broadcasting Corporation). I understand that there are some disillusioned people out there that are somehow interested in this horseshit but can we please keep it out of the news. I think the last thing anyone needs is to provide the IQ-deficient of this country any sort of credibility to a subject that is preposterous. Not to mention all the other subjects that are crap during the news.

This brings me to a good reason not to die: some yo-yo bitch is going to draw an unflattering portrait of your ghost. What ever happened to Resting In Peace? Leave the graves of the deceased alone, out of respect for them and their families. These stories were made up long ago for entertainment. It’s 2007 and it’s about time we separate fact from fiction, keep the news and storytelling separate. If people really want to contact ghosts let them try on their own time not mine. The best way to see into the netherworld is to drink drain cleaner, everyone knows that.

In conclusion: Fuck people that believe in talking to the dead and fuck the news for putting them on TV.

The world’s Caucasian population has successfully bred itself disgusting. Really fucking disgusting. I mean downright appalling. Every time I leave the comforts of my room, I am exposed to thousands of people which I want to remain at least 5 feet from at all times. I mean, you never know if that shit is contagious, right? Anyways…how did this happen? Well, white people got comfortable. Allow me to elaborate.

In early times, all people regardless of race lived pretty much the same way…you used your muscles to do something. It was the Caucasians in Europe that developed technology the fastest, though. Goods like steel products and duck butter could be produced at a higher volume with less work. Suddenly, whites began thinking they were better, and started taking over other parts of the world, taking slaves, baking cake and eating it too…you all know basic history. What’s not in the books is the general movement towards repulsive, starting in the 1970’s.

The 1970’s brought computers into the mainstream, a management revolution took place, food was transformed, and the hippy movement consumed America. Intolerable things like untamed body hair and poor hygiene were viewed as okay. Hierarchical management policies allowed assholes who previously of little use to society to sit in cushy chairs and get fat telling people how to work (*ever seen a thin manager??). These people quickly went from the bottom of the social chain to the upper crust of society. Food additives and preservatives only worsened our already declining society’s health. Computers had the biggest impact; white people became pastier, people became more anti-social than before, and CRT monitor radiation made eyesight worse. Then, all these people began to interbreed, and our genes have been stained since.

The problem is now more real than ever. Corrective lenses allow people to watch people doing stupid shit outside on youtube instead of actually going outside themselves. Game consoles mimic real outdoor activities like the Wii sports collection. You think the Japanese play Wii? Fuck no. They go outside and play golf with all the money made from sales in the United States. Have you ever seen a fat person on MXC? Fuck no. The spinning rolly thing would knock their asses into that sewage water much faster if they weren’t in shape. Online forums and blogs provide a chance to become even more socially inept. The skinny kids lower their sperm count with gallons of Mountain Dew and the fat kids cook up enough frozen fried food to induce coronary failure in a horse, all while jerking off to anime after a successful raid for level 56 shoulder armor.

The solution?? We need more bullies and start sculpting people early in life. You know what effect getting a basketball crammed up your ass everyday in gym class prompts kids to do? They start lifting weights or running so they can run away or defend themselves. Getting picked for being overweight makes you think twice about eating that fourth hot pocket. Remember that kid with glasses that always got slammed in the face with a dodgeball? Yeah, he has perfect 20/20 vision now. If you smell like shit and you get a swirly from the 180 pound 5^th grader, chances are you are going to shower in an effort not to offend his olfactory receptors the next day. A bully is a social tool not unlike a police tazer. A tazer gets shit done. Bottom line.

The long term solution is quite simple; the people who take care of themselves end up mating, leaving the degenerates lonely and offspring free. Natural selection at its best. In the meantime, I’m gonna find me a nice asian girl.

Cheers.