welcome to another edition of Assignment Boris, a weekly look at the top five assholes in the news who deserve to be punched in the face by Boris. In case you don’t know who Boris is click here. If you run across a news story you think warrants Boris’ attention please submit the link through our contact link. Have a good week and don’t do anything that might get Boris on your ass.

5. Al Zimmerman -

(From Fox News) TAMPA, Fla. - A Department of Children & Families press secretary who was arrested on suspicion of enlisting children to make pornography could face more charges, police said Saturday…

Maybe Al figured working for an agency that protects children is similar to working for a restaurant. If you work for Applebee’s, for instance, it is prudent to take advantage of your discount by eating there often. Apparently Mr. Zimmerman decided that working at the Department of Children & Families entitled him to have dinner at Applebee’s and enjoy some of his clients for desert. Don’t get too carried away Boris, leave some for the boys at the state pen.

4 and 3. Two stupid cops -

(From Fox News) BUFORD, Ga. - Two off-duty officers from different police departments wounded each other in a gun fight in the middle of a road in an Atlanta suburb, authorities said…

Glad you boys are playing cowboys and Indians while some scumbag is breaking into my car or home. Boris is on his way to pistol whip you retards into next week and then hopefully the judge sentences them to be lynched - I’m pretty sure that sort of thing is still legal in Georgia.

2. Sister Norma Giannini -

(From wisn.com) MILWAUKEE — A Roman Catholic nun who pleaded no contest to sexually abusing two Milwaukee boys years ago will spend a year in jail. A judge sentenced Sister Norma Giannini, 79, to one year in jail and nine more years on probation She has 60 days to report to the House of Correction in Milwaukee County.

I bet if I abused two boys I would get a bit more time than a year in the joint. I don’t care how old she is or what she does for a living. Let her rot and die in jail. Her faith allows her to confess her sin and repeat a prayer a few times for salvation, but that won’t save her from Boris’s Holy fists of rage.

1. Martin Lewis -

(From CNN.com) WASHINGTON (AP) — The Beatles are about to become radio stars in a whole new way. NASA on Monday will broadcast the Beatles’ song “Across the Universe” across the galaxy to Polaris, the North Star. The idea came from Martin Lewis, a Los Angeles-based Beatles historian…

I think I prefer the idea of nuns touching little boys, or cops shooting at each other in the streets, or even government officials using their authority to take advantage of small children, than fucking NASA spending tax dollars to beam fucking Beatles songs to the fucking north fucking star. And the President is worried about earmarks!! Boris, how about you sharpen an old Beatles LP to a razor’s edge and slice and dice some common sense into Mr. Lewis.

Fact: Angryromanian.com suffered a disruption in service spanning the dates January 18th-21st.

Fact: The disruption was due to a malicious attack by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye. This attack was the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding in which the Russians mistook our website for a Romanian mail-order -bride site competing with a similar Mob-connected service.

Fact: Boris, a member of Luidy Chorniye, wrote the following, “Hello writer of funny things on web net. Again I say sorry for disruption of postings. Any favor needed we provide - no exception. You need someone punched in face Boris will do it.”

Fact: We plan to take advantage of this offer.

Every week we will deploy Boris to punch the top 5 assholes of the week, carefully culled from the news, in the face.

Here is this week’s list.

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5. Bill Belichick - From nytimes.com - With all due respect to Paul Brown, Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry and Bill Walsh, Bill Belichick is the genius coach of all time.

I’ll make no bones about it. I hate this prick because I love to root for the underdog and hate dynasties. I hate the Yankees, Wal-Mart, white people, and now the Patriots. Belichick is the mastermind of a team who has won three of the last six Superbowls and takes his team into the Superbowl sporting an 18-0 record. We’ll see how his winning ways match up to Boris’s fist.

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4. Britney Spears. From tmz.com - Pop princess Britney Spears apparently has ditched her British accent for one that sounds like a cross between Chinese and Spanish.

I think I speak for most of us when I say I wish Britney would ditch any and all accent in favor of shutting the fuck up. Maybe Boris could knock all of her teeth out, then we’ll see what that stupid bitch has to say.

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3. Luis Jimenez. From Fox News - Austin Police arrest a man for having kiddie porn, after a curious cat finds his secret stash of DVD’s.

Smooth move Luis - Rule one of moving - remove all items (like kiddie porn) from your old apartment that may land you in jail for three to five years. Maybe jail will help cure Mr. Jimenez’s pedophilia problem - what with all the quality sex he will be having with adults in the slammer. And did I mention Boris has seven daughters under the age of 14. Luis may get a little more than a simple punch in the face.

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2. Angelica Ayala. From Abcactionnews.com- A Tampa woman was arrested outside a Ybor City nightclub, after police say she punched a police horse.

Watch out for this one Boris. Apparently she’s quite a fighter.

Neigh!!

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1. The Little Emo who Couldn’t. From CNN.com - Authorities have charged a teenage boy who said he planned to hijack a commercial jetliner in an attempt to commit suicide, an FBI spokesman told CNN late Thursday.

Worst plan ever! This genius planned to bring down a commercial jetliner with handcuffs, duct tape and some yarn. Nice touch with the Hannah Montana idea though. Ridding the world of an emo-fag and a whole arena of Hannah Montana clones - talk about killing two birds with on ball of yarn. Try not to get any eyeliner on your knuckles Boris.