This post has nothing to do with Depend Ungergarmets, but has a whole lot to do with Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is the worst game ever created. This is not a matter of opinion. By liking this game, you have forfeited your right to an opinion.

I made a reference about the sheer failure of Guitar Hero before and received an inbox full of hate mail. Before anymore of you dickwads email me saying something along the lines of “how can it suck if it sold 4 million copies?”, let me remind you that Will Ferrell’s movies are guaranteed top box office hits, Nickleback’s last album went platinum, and George W. Bush was elected president. Twice. If you see nothing wrong with that, then you obviously won’t understand my point and are in dire need of about 4 feet of rope and a rickety chair. Email me your address and I will mail out a care-package right away.

Playing a real guitar can be your ticket to getting laid like carpet. Chicks love all types of guitar players; acoustic hippy guitarists, long haired metal bad boy guitarists, emo-as-fuck-slicing-their-wrist guitarist, etc…they all get more ass than a toilet seat. But not Guitar Hero. Playing this game causes a male’s sperm to eat it own tail so that it won’t infect future generations of human beings. The body then endures a transformation so grotesque that no human on earth would ever sleep with you. You don’t believe me? Listed below are pictures of Guitar Hero fans. This many virgins haven’t assembled in masses this great since Star Wars: Episode III hit the theaters.

This guy is just too cool.
Yup. He’s a flamer.
Someone didn’t pull out in time.
My Little Pony-tastic.
As close to an “Oh face” as he will ever have.
Chick or Dude?
Nobody in this room will EVER get laid. Look.

The game play itself is what really makes this game horrible. After six different versions of the game, you would think they would make an improvement someplace, but this is not so. Each release comes with a variety of new and horribly botched cover songs for your enjoyment . The cover songs performed are as pleasing to the ears as the sound of 978 screaming infants, amplified to 140 decibels. Furthermore, the quality of the sound is exceptionally poor.

Lamb of God’s “Laid to Rest” was nothing short of an abomination, as were the covers of “Killing in the Name Of” and “Heart Shaped Box”. Kurt Cobain is not only rolling in his grave; he has assembled an army of zombies and is planning an attack on the Activision headquarters, where he will forcefully insert a Guitar Hero Wireless controller into the colon of every employee in the company. Then Cobain and his army of zombies might nibble on their brains too, but that’s not really important.

Secondly, watching the game play is exciting as spackling your neighbor’s den for free. As colored dots representing notes slide down the neck of a guitar, a CGI band “plays” the song in the background. The graphics are reminiscent of games of the late 1990’s; awkward, jerky, and 2 dimensional (Good job Activision!). The artist renditions of the band members are anime-like; disproportionate and strongly exaggerated. I mean this not in the cool way like a silicone enhanced porn star, rather in the unsettling, not so cool Dora the Explorer way. After watching Guitar Hero for about 20 seconds, my eyes start to pack their shit and threaten to leave. I like my eyes, but Christ, they don’t put up with any shit.

So. Next time you are at a party/shindig/cross burning/gathering of some sort and some asshole busts out the Guitar Hero, do the right thing and asphyxiate him/her with the cord. If they are using a wireless controller, try the “strike repeatedly until unconscious” move.

Welcome to the Top 10 Greatest PC Games of All Time. Notice the title says nothing like “our top ten”, or “what are possibly the top 10″. No, this post provides nothing but pure, unadulterated facts. These ARE the Top 10 Greatest PC Games of All Time. If you believe otherwise, please send your name and address and we will send over Boris to “talk” about your opinion.

First, what went in to the making of this list of facts:

• 57 hours of arguing
• 35 pots of coffee (1 cleaning of the coffee maker after Bieltan urinated in it because of an argument over “Peas in Africa”)
• 1,475 “Yo momma” jokes
• 576 references to gay sex
• Hour long discussion about how MYST is the dumbest game ever
• 3 fist fights (Ruko won each fight, but Bieltan still managed to give him the finger)
• Ruko came out of the closet
• 12 off topic discussions revolving around the use of a stick and angry bees
• 3 separate viewings of the movie “Hackers”
• 7 hours comparing the percentage of teenage male CS:S fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males (Surprisingly high)

So after all that bull we came up with the Top 10 Greatest PC Games of All Time:

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I would classify myself as an average gamer. I look forward to good games that will entertain me for a while, and of course the games that blind sided us and turns the tides of the gaming world. Kane & Lynch: Dead Men was not one of them. I for one was actually looking forward to this game, its concept and realism sparked my interest. I mean christ you get to shoot cops, why the hell not. Upon purchasing this game I was deeply saddened by its very thin plot line and lacking graphics. I actually found myself going back to Worms half-way through the game before beating it.

The title comes from the two main characters. You, Kane, are set away to be grilled on the electric chair for your crimes of death and destruction. On your way Lynch and a bunch of other masked tools stage this big  break out. Thus starting endless repeat Duck Hunt scenarios, in the third person. An addition to the repeat scenarios is the squad based game play. You can control lynch and 4 other jamokes. Great concept at first but is not its saving grace. Although they don’t die easily, they are about as useful as an asshole on your elbow.

As for the enemy AI, at first its nice to see an enemy get behind cover and blind fire his weapon to try to save his own ass. But its when there is no cover…and the AI still finds a blade of grass to duck behind and blind fire from is where many of us are left looking like a deer in headlights. At times there bullets can even find there way through your concrete cover to drop you like a stone. Which makes certain scene incredibly frustrating…hence my hiatus. The graphics tie into this. Was I playing on an original Xbox? Its 2007 people, take an extra month, or fire the guy who slept through design class and come out with a game that looks real enough to trick a 2 year old. Bad clipping at times and bad texture issues throughout the game does not help its case.

A positive to the game is its sound effects. Lynch drops the “F” bomb +/- 4,781 times. You use the squad command to move and he tells you to go fuck yourself. Its mildly entertaining at times. The gun sounds make a shoot out worth while. Fighting your way through dumb AI cops sucks, but if your gun sounds and looks real…fuck it, its entertaining. The online mode is also pretty fun. “Fragile Alliance”, you and 4 other players perform heist. Go in, gun a blazing, steal shit and get out to share the loot or shoot your fellow players to steal there shit. But if you turn on them you are flagged by the other players and it can be a ring around the rosy with a traitor. Plus if you die you spawn as a cop. So  you can get revenge on the assfuck who killed you.

My overall impression of the game is that if it was a movie and spent a little more time on the plot line it would have been ok. But it wasn’t and they didn’t, so its another run of the mill video game. Give it a try if you find yourself one day at the $4.99 bin and its in there (which it will one day trust me) and you want a shooter where the fight scenes never end.

I give it a:

6 out of 10

When I first saw Worms on XBLA I peed myself a little in excitement. I remember the glory days of Worms Armageddon over LAN. Seeing worms flying around like ping pong balls, the hymn of the “Holy Hand Grenade”, and the cheer of a stadium full of worms as you hit another worm into the next world.

Then all my dreams were crushed by finding out that XBLA would only host the original Worms…which did not have any of these amazing weapons in the original game. Although my dreams were crushed, I still downloaded the game out of shear patriotism to the Worms series. The similar bubbly but dangerous feel to the game is in the air as soon as you check out the loading screen. The XBLA version, other than being available in 16:9 view and some updated graphics, is exactly the same as the original. You have the options of creating your own team with their own customized accented “battle cries” and grave stones. It makes for a pretty good laugh when a worm gets a rocket to the face and flies off the board. Some of the editors on this very site find this game “A horrific blight on the screen” and run up stairs to play Counter-Strike: Source while playing with themselves screaming “Dang-o Dang-o”.

Worms game play shows us how quickly a friends bond can disintegrate as you ever so precisely land a banana bomb on top of his remaining two worms. Under normal circumstances screaming at the television would be the only way to vent, but oh no no no no. Your opponent is right next to you just asking for a round house kick to the face. The game allows up to four players to battle it out. Once your master the impossible physics of Worms there will be no stopping you. So pick your friends wisely.

The sound is the most entertaining part of the entire game. Each group of worms can choose different battle cries, ranging from an Irish drunk to a trailer-park redneck. These cheers and screams come out when you’re firing your guns or getting a grenade shoved up your worm hole. Although the sound track could use some work…what do you expect from an $8 XBLA game.

Overall: Worms for XBLA
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7 out of 10

Mainly for its sheer entertainment and game play longevity. So next time you’re not masturbating to a picture of George Bush or crying because you drank to much, check it out.