FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT ASS and HOLE. Motherfuckers tried to kill me in Cuba, but I made it back alive. Time has come to re commence writing for this shit hole website, as I thrive on the hatemail and death threats that my posts bring. When you are locked up in a Cuban cell, your eyes adjust to the darkness and you begin to see your thoughts as if they were occurring in front of you. I’ve come to the conclusion that my mind is a very, very, scary place. Anyways.

Stay tuned for new content, lots of asian schoolgirl prawnz, and naked pictures of Douche Nozzle’s wife right after I got done porking her in the ass.

xoxoxo

rUkO

we are at gitmo. Me the Romanian - beiltan - and ruko. Haven’t seen a lawyer in three months. They flushed my Koran down the shitter. The food here sucks!!! Shit…here comes the guard and that fuckin dog. tell my mother i love her.

D.N.

When someone asks me if I’m going to have children I usually want to jump out of a window. I know that the inevitable conversation is going to start, yet again. You see, I have no desire to have children. I don’t really care for children and I think your desire to to create a smaller imitation of yourself is just as selfish as my desire for “me time”.

Children are annoying. Whenever I hear a child screaming in a store, I want to bowl it down an aisle. The only loud noise I like is death metal. When I cook an amazing meal and a child at the table decides they hate carrots, when just a week ago carrots were just the rage - I want to make them eat bleach and see how the feel about carrots then.

I do not baby sit for a reason. I don’t want my time compromised just because you had to make a bundle of expensive, puking and screaming BABIEZZZ!!!

“I Do Not Like Children” is usually followed up with: “That’s impossible, children are so amazing! It is a life altering experience! Oh, just wait until you meet that special someone, you will completely change your mind! Children already love you!”

Yes, absolutely! What was I thinking?! My “special someone” and you completely know how I feel about my life and my uterus. Phew. Thank you for deciding that I’m not fully capable of making up my own mind about my dreams and what I want to devote my time too!

Fuck you , I like my life the way it is, and I like my dreams as well. I want to travel and I want to run errands and have an amazing, demanding job and not have to fetch my runny nose little shits from the day care that I have to work 3 of the 5 days a week just to afford.

I don’t want to go shopping for kid clothes every August just because they have to go back to school. I do not want to be called “Mommy.” I don’t want to get the artificial fruit flavored candy canes just because you like them. I like Peppermint, and I am going to get the goddamn peppermint ones for my Christmas tree that will have GLASS ornaments at the bottom of the tree. I will purposely have more SHARP edges in my house than you can count. I don’t want locks on my cupboards and I don’t want to keep the cleaning products on a high shelf.

What I do want is to drop kick half of the children I have ever met. You know, the kids that just HAVE to push the shopping cart or their little lives will just end, and then proceed to ram it into a shelf, the back of your heel, or both simultaneously.

So, if you like children so much, why don’t you stop making them and take care of the ones that don’t have homes? Sure, I may be selfish for not wanting to add to the population. But am I unreasonable for not wanting to bring a child into the world I know I really don’t want? - Just because society says I must replace myself.
I guess I’m just an asshole. But don’t worry. I’ll meet my “special someone” and have a million kids as I watch my life and dreams go to shit. If you want me to make babies so bad make sure you buy me a diaper genie and a gift certificate for a lobotomy for the baby shower.

-Coffee Killed My Soul

Thanks for the guest contribution. I’ll see you in the contraceptive aisle.

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Today we have achieved a milestone here at Angryromanian.com We would like to celebrate the twelfth day of continuous posting with a poorly written holiday carol.

On the twelfth day of Posting,
my editors sent to me
Twelve shoppers trampling,
Eleven Pants with writing,
Ten Games a sucking,
Nine stun guns zapping,
Eight pies a filming,
Seven Dubyas dancing ,
Six retards-a retarding,
Five confederate flags,
Four angry vans,
Three dead Wyomingites,
Two snowy blizzards,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Now wasn’t that lovely! And since we are on the subject, what is the purpose of a partridge? One assumes that you eat it but, if you were given a live one perhaps the best thing to do is to let it go and see if you could catch it again. That is what the gentleman in the picture is attempting to do.  The birds are captured or bred, placed in a cage, and released again a few yards in front of a guy with a gun who shoots the bird.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a fuck what you do with your spare time.  I’m not anti-gun or anti-hunting, but I do think you should call things by their proper names.  This brings me to my point: If it is so easy to shoot the damned bird that Helen Keller could do it, Don’t call it hunting -  call it killing. It’s what Chuck Norris does.

It’s not often that Corporate America pulls the wool over our eyes.

Actually, I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about, because that is obviously the most asinine thing I have ever written. Let me start again fresh.

Corporate America thrives on the fact that we are morons, willing to buy into whatever bullshit they throw in front of us. Black Friday is the perfect example of this, drawing millions of lower and middle class people to the stores at the ass crack-o-dawn. They then line up in hopes of buying a seemingly expensive product for a seemingly lower than normal price. The deals appear so good that these people will stand in line for two, three, four, five, six hours in a full spectrum of weather conditions in hopes of getting a target item. When the doors open, these people sprint into the stores as though it were el encierro.

With thousands of people packed shoulder to shoulder, the lines inside stretch as long as the lines outside. If you have ever seen this, you will quickly recognize that not a single person is smiling. If you were born of a higher class, have a college education, or have an IQ above 100, you realize that getting up at 12:14 AM to go and wait outside of a store until 5 AM is absolutely fucking retarded. I would rather fluff for the World’s Biggest Gangbang.

So, back to the part where you are a stupid shitbag for going out shopping on Black Friday; all the stuff that you bought? Yeah, you just been had. You honestly think that a store can hand out cameras at the door, sell laptop computers for $200, and/or *Insert item you bought here* ___________ and not make money while doing it? It’s called “Black Friday” because it puts a store way into the black in the store’s ledger (meaning they make a lot of money for you financially inept readers out there). They make money even if they make you think they are losing it.

This is possible because it all gets shipped over from China, and it hardly cost the stores anything. So, while you payed $400 for that LCD television, realize that six 12 year old Chinese children got paid $.43 to assemble it. And it will break (nearly 32% of all products purchased on Black Friday are exchanged within a month of purchase), because their level of QC isn’t all that great. I mean, aside from Date-Rape Drug containing Aqua Dots, botoxin laced Cat and Dog food, and fun with Lead laden Curious George, China doesn’t really know what QC is.

So, here’s a breakdown. You altered family time on a holiday to go and get ready to stand in a line for hours, run into a store, spend a few more hours waiting in line, and then purchase sub-par shit that might hopefully poison or otherwise harm you and your family.

Me and the rest of the editors slept in.