For those of you who live under rocks and such, Heath Ledger passed away on January 22, 2008. His bed was sprinkled with sleeping pills. Police have not yet released the official cause of death.

In other news, my neighbor planted some bulbs this morning. Hopefully we will see a nice array of tulips and such come the spring time.

Seriously though. Heath Ledger was an okay actor for being an Australian wanker. His films included a movie about a knight that wasn’t a knight but became a knight in the end, a broken mountain, a movie about Grim Reapers, and a movie called Candy about drugs. Go figure.

The more pressing issue surrounding his death is that the release of the movie Dark Knight will now be put on the back burner. Ledger, who had been cast and was already finished filming as “The Joker”, is now dead. This wouldn’t be a problem (as we saw with the move The Crow) however the marketing and advertisement folks at Warner Brothers are worried that this image carries a very negative (and ironic) connotation. So. My mom made a casserole once.

Oddly enough, the upcoming movie Dark Knight is intended to be a remake of the 1989 masterpiece Batman. The post production Dark Knight is a sequel to Batman Begins, which is really a prequel to the original Batman, which makes Dark Knight a mathematical recursive loop. Mathematicians at Stanford University have released a statement saying “the recursive Batman loop is in no way connected to the death of Heath Ledger”.

The original Joker of the 1989 Batman was played by Jack Fucking Nicholson. His performance as “The Joker” is widely considered as his best, or maybe his appearance in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was his best…either way, he was pretty fucking good. If I were Jack Nicholson, I would be pretty pissed that some Shrimp on the Barbie bastard was trying to outdo me. Maybe Jack Nicholson killed Heath Ledger…(DUN DUN DUN!).

In Hollywood, there are several actors which you never, ever try to duplicate. It is an unwritten rule. I know you are thinking “but Ruko…how the fuck do you know anything about Hollywood?”. Well, the truth is, my eldest cousin is a big-wig for Universal Studios. If I owned a television, I could probably find a show, movie, or program on television every hour that he was directly affiliated with. That aside, he is in the know, which makes me a little bit in the know.

Actors such as Al Pacino, Robert Dinero, Paul Newman, Robert Duvall, and Jack Fucking Nicholson are untouchables; trying to remake something they did really pisses off the Hollywood gods. When the Hollywood gods get pissed, they release upon us a swarm of chick-flicks, another Star Wars Episode, or a plethora of not so new and not so exciting reality television series that sweep the country. Mr. Ledger should have known better, and the Gods of awesome movies have killed him with lightning bolts and shit.

Eh. Either way, I am pissed that I didn’t put Heath on my Celebrity Death Pool list. He would have been a money addition.

To a four year old, the cookie is a paramount prize. This circular disc of goodness, though placed in a cupboard out of reach, must be had by any means. The child is clever and finds a way to claim his prize, but inevitably he is caught . He has only one explanation for his displeased mother, “No I didn’t.”
Sound familiar?
Just ask any Major League Baseball player who’s been accused of doing steroids and you will get a similar answer. There are a few standard responses going around. So far, the three most popular are:

The cookie jar line - “Nope, didn’t do it, wasn’t me”

The teary eyed cop out - “I only used once”

And my personal favorite - ” “I had no idea it was ‘roids.”

We’ll start with Roger Clemens, who is towing the cookie jar line. He has sternly denied the findings of the Mitchell Report that accuses him of using steroids. I’m sure the baseball world would love to believe The Rocket, but how are fans to ignore his down slope in the mid-90s, followed by shocking Cy Young awards in ‘98 and ‘99. And this is not even taking into account his Bonds like, 40+, surge with the Astros? It is true that Paige, Ryan and Neikro all had 40+ success as pitchers, but none of them gained 50 pounds after their peak. The abundance of players admitting to the truth of the findings is also damning to Clemens. So will this be a Marion Jones repeat? Will Clemens give a crybaby confession five years from now? Don’t be shocked if he does.
The next cheater is teary eyed Brian Roberts who claims that he only used steroids once and was so ashamed he never touched it again. That one shot must have been powerful. Roberts was an all-star in 2005 and achieved career highs in home runs, RBI’s, slugging and batting average. He hit four home runs in ‘04 and a miraculous 18 in 2005. One shot huh?
Last, but certainly not least, is Mr. Barry Bonds and his story about how he didn’t know he was doping. At least you have to respect the creativity of his bullshit rhetoric. “Never knowingly used steroids,” is reminiscent of, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” When it comes to the word “knowingly” - I know that if my head grew from a 7 and 3/8 to a 9, I’d be curious as to what substance was being shot into my ass or rubbed on my biceps. I guess Barry didn’t think of that.

I say if we really want to know who’s using the juice and who’s clean, we shouldn’t ask an ancient U.S. senator, we should ask the hat makers.All the players have to order hats and batting helmets, right? The best way to tell if they are juicing is to look at the sizes of each suspected player over the years. If from 1995 to 2003, Bonds’ head grew two inches, then he’s had his hand in the jar.
Despite the guilt of any individual player, if anyone should be indicted for steroids, it should be Bud Selig. The same Selig who stood next to Mark McGwire after his 62nd home run, knowing full well he was shooting up. That was 1998. Nearly a decade later, and a great deal of damage to the game later, in December 2007, Bud finally declares a, “Call to action.”
My call to action would be a no confidence vote by the owners, followed by a resignation by the former Brew Crew owner. Shamefully, that will never happen.

And speaking of shame, it is true sad that the great game of baseball will always have an asterisk over the last 15 years,

Thanks Bud!!

-Matt

Thanks for the guest submission Matt. See you at the gym, and by the way I have that stuff, so bring the cash.

If you would like to submit a guest submission click here.

Yesterday CompUSA announced it would close all 103 of its stores following the holiday season. For once it wasn’t such great day at CompUSA, but it certainly was for anyone who got screwed by their terrible policies, and punk assed managers and employees. The announcement marked the death of one of the worst fucking retail chains ever. The following is an homage to CompUSA’s brilliance:

These idiots can’t even field destroy product in an intelligent fashion. We will all miss CompUSA like a hole in the head. But what did you really expect from a U.S. company owned by a Mexican billionaire. I look forward to seeing all their managers at the drive through window.

As an avid South Park viewer, I found it amusing when reality mirrored a joke from one of my favorite episodes. In the episode featuring Paris Hilton, all the girls of South Park became obsessed with the air-headed celebutant. A toy was then advertised parodying the infamous adult feature “1 Night in Paris.” The toy, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set” included a video camera, “night vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy!”

Recently a toy called Aqua Dots was recalled for its interesting side effect of turning into the date rape drug when ingested. Aqua Dots are a craft product that has these beads that stick together when sprayed with water. The coating that makes the beads stick together, when swallowed in large quantities, can cause a child to go unconscious, develop respiratory depression, have seizures, and in extreme cases die. Spinmaster, the company that makes Aqua Dots, should take a cue from South Park and re-market its product. So you ask, “How can they re-market this horrible product?”

Simple!!!
Introducing - “Horny Frat Boy Date Rape Party Play Set!”. Be just like a real frat boy! Play set includes a Greek letter T-shirt, a quarter keg of Genny Light, funnel, and 500 Aqua Dot roofies! There is a huge market for kids to live out there frat boy fantasies. If Spinmaster only thought about the misogynistic teenage boy demographic they could bounce back from this recall relatively unscathed.
In all seriousness, how does a product with this kind of side effect make it to market! OK, so you have a toy that looks like candy. Do you…

A. Test the beads to make sure they are safe if eaten
or
B. Fuck it, what kind of retarded child would eat a bunch of beads? And if the little mongoloid does, they deserve what happens to them.

I am kind of disturbed that B. is the approach a major toy manufacturer chose to take. It would only be fitting if the children of Spinmaster management ate some Aqua dots, or even better if their teenage daughters made their own version of “1 Night in Paris”.

I say - enough with these fancy artsy fartsy toys. Give the rug rats a cardboard box and a BB gun. The box will fulfill all of their daily imagination requirements and the BB gun will help weed out the children of stupid parents.

-Jesse

The CDC announced today that STDs among Americans are increasing at alarming rates, led by chlamydia. Nearly 1,031,000 cases of the clap were reported last year, up from 976,000 the year before. This number eclipsed the 1,013,436 cases reported in 1978. 19 - fucking - 78. The late 70’s were a church ladies nightmare!!! HIV hadn’t reared it’s ugly head yet and fashion was so god-awful repulsive that people couldn’t wait to get out of their hip-huggers and liesure suits to fuck.

Gonorrhea and syphilis rates have also risen significantly. Health officials are baffled by the sudden rise and offer no concrete solution to combat this precarious rise in STDs. But we here at Angryromanian World Headquarters have a sure “shot” solution. Lets start an ad campaign promoting porn style sexual encounters. We’ll call the campaign “Give her the money shot tonight, and avoid the penicillin shot tomorrow” or, “One in the eye means she’s safe for the next guy!”. If you have any other slogan suggestions please pass them along.

Peace(sucks)

D.N.

Kid Rock has always been a figure caught between two worlds. Here is a guy with obvious white trash roots. In the old days he fronted a rock band that featured a midget (God rest his tiny soul), chicks with tattoos and leather, a gender ambiguous guitarist, and a DJ. He seemed to be reaching out to the trailer park element with his primal scream of “Now get in the pit and try to kill (Love - if you heard the song on the FCC shy radio) someone”. But that song, and many of his other songs also tried to appeal to the inner city crowd with talk of guns, weed, and pimps. Mr. Rock continued his confusing ways when he became involved with several talentless blond, white-trash bimbos - a very black thing to. And then just to totally confuse the issue he sang a terrible country song with Lance Armstrong’s ex-girlfriend.

Today I am happy to say the confusion has been put to rest. Kid Rock is Black!!!! That right -Black. Mr. Rock was arrested late Sunday night in connection with a fight at a Waffle House. Rock and four members of his entourage beat a man who exchanged words with a female at Rock’s table.

Let us review: Waffle House - Check

Late on Sunday night - Check

Entourage - Check

Five on one - Check

Photo walking out of jail wearing a shirt bearing his own image holding a gun- check - check

Kid Rock you are officially Black - you can break up the band and put out a gangsta-rap album. After you get of jail that is. And y’all can keep his punk ass!!!

Based on President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University you could say that he is smoking some sort of crack laced with uranium. Let’s take a quick look at some of his remarks. “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” and “In Iran we do not have this phenomenon [homosexuality], I don’t know who has told you that we have it.” Publicly denying homosexuals is only his was of trying to appease his religious radical boss (see Ali Khamenei) and piss off everyone else with that horse shit. What he meant to say was that he scared them into hiding to avoid persecution, imprisonment, torture, and death.

Then he stated that the Holocaust was just a theory, open to debate and research. Those statements were a direct attack at the emotions of the Jewish people. When confronted about Jews he replied: “We love all people, We are friends of the Jews. There are many Jews living peacefully in Iran.” Bullshit. Again he is deluded and is kissing Khamenei’s ass. Furthermore, he explained that Iran did not recognize Israel “because it is based on ethnic discrimination, occupation and usurpation, and it consistently threatens its neighbors.” Perhaps that’s why Iran funds Palestinian extremists and endorses the destruction of Israel. That however is somewhat true, it was widely suspected and then confirmed that Israel tortures Palestinians once they are captured. If you want a source Google it and the other evil shit the Jews do as well.

You have to applaud Columbia University for creating a forum where you can here everything coming from the source. However, I do not think that Lee Bollinger should have been such a hostile host. Ask your questions nicely and let the man speak he does not need your help to prove to everyone he is insane and evil. Mr. Bollinger suggested that he was “a petty and cruel dictator” that he was “either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated.” That was not necessary. Ahmadinejad replied eloquently to that by saying that:

“In Iran, tradition requires when you invite a person to be a speaker, we actually respect our students enough to allow them to make their own judgment, and don’t think it’s necessary before the speech is even given to come in with a series of complaints to provide vaccination to the students and faculty. Nonetheless, I shall not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment.”

All those remarks only fueled the Iranian people’s disrespect/hatred for the West. Because that is precisely what they admire in him, his defiance. For better or worst Mr. Imadinnerjacket is their leader, do not attack him, let him dig his own grave. And being the monster and lunatic that he is, he will.

Yaar, it’s Talk Like a Pirate Day. Since we are all fans of the Captain, let’s learn how to talk like a pirate…

President Yahya Jammeh, of the postage stamp sized West African nation of Gambia, claims to have learned the cure for AIDS through a series of dreams. The “cure” consists of a mix of seven herbs and spices to be taken daily, one spoonful for children, two for adults. Jammeh has no medical training but claims his family has a history of healing through traditional practices. All this is great but I have dreams too; however this doesn’t mean Christina Ricci is ever going to show up to my house in edible underwear with a bull whip and a gallon of fudge ripple ice cream. But enough about me — Can you possibly stoop lower than to extend false hope to those in the grips of a fatal disease? Not only is hope falsely given but those taking life extending medications are switching to the president’s witch’s brew. Maybe someone in Gambia will act out a dream of shooting up the presidential motorcade and solve this silliness once and for all.

I’m glad to see our Latin American neighbors think George Bush is as big of a scum bag as we do. In fact, based on the violent protests that have greeted the Commander in Cheat everywhere his plane lands, it could be argued he is more reviled there, or it may be were too busy ordering lowfat lattes and arguing over the NCAA Men’s basketball tournament to take notice of the autocratic nature of the nation in which we now reside. In Colombia, a decoy motorcade was sent out to draw out would-be assassination attempts. Do you suppose they played roca, tijeras, papel to choose drivers for the assignment? Because of security concerns the president only stayed in Colombia for seven hours. Come on — Sting can have sex longer than seven hours for Christ’s sake. Also, you would think Colombians would have more respect for a guy that was once a regular consumer of one of the nations top exports. My guess is our illustrious leader will be relieved to return to the friendly confines of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but only if some aide or another is smart enough to hide all the guns from Dick.