Our justice system in this country is FUCKED. I use caps to emphasize the level of fuckedupness in which the United States legal system exists.

I was involved in a low speed 5 car pile up about a year ago. The 90 year old woman that caused the accident mistook the air in front of her car for a deer, and locked up her brakes to avoid hitting it. The 90 year old woman drove off after realizing that the air deer had vanished into mid air. She did not realize that the 5 cars following her for the better part of 4 miles had slammed into one another as a result of her brake check.

As everyone outside examined their cars for damage, I realized that my 1988 Pontiac 6000 had left a 3 inch black smudge on the rear bumper of the car in front of me. The other cars drove away, but Mrs. OMFG MY NEW CAR quickly called the cops to the scene. As required by law I was given a “Following Too Closely” ticket and we went our separate ways.

In the courtroom, the case before mine involved an 18 year old man that had been charged with one count of “Possession of Marijuana”. He pled guilty. The judge, a miserable ugly bastard, sentenced him to 8 hours of community service and a $50 dollar fine. With consequences like that, I am sure he will never do it again. He even asked the judge if he could have his smoking “paraphernalia” back. At this point I was in good spirits, thinking that if a kid arrested for smoking the reefer got off easy, mine might get dropped altogether.

I was really fucking wrong. I explained how the accident occurred to the judge, explained that 4 other cars were involved, and that the black smudge on the woman’s car cost my insurance company $70 to fix. The judge then shocked me with the words that came out of his yellowed, fat lips. “Mr. XXXXXXX, the maximum fee for this offence is $300, but I am only going to charge you $225. Additionally, the court fee is $75. You can pay the woman to your right”.

Arguing with a judge is a bad idea. Arguing with a miserable Irish judge is even worse. I asked how a man guilty of an illegal drug received the fine he did, and my unavoidable accident cost me 3 points on my license, a 15% rise in my car insurance, and $300 court fine. I even declared the law faulty. The stupid Mic bastard judge didn’t really see things my way. He was quickly angered, and increased my fee to the maximum. A nice police officer then escorted me out of the courtroom.

Call me a weirdo, but in what world is this kind of shit right? It doesn’t matter what drug it was. He intentionally broke the law. My accidental bumper kiss carried a pretty serious monetary impact for me, yet Mr. Pothead’s replacement bag and a new piece was less than half of what I spent in court fees.

So what’s the moral of the story? Don’t drive. Smoke weed instead. It isn’t as expensive if you get caught.

Come and see the greatness that China has to offer! Times have changed, and the New China is full of thrills!

	See the beauty of the many rivers, lakes, and tributaries of China!
For all of you fishermen, the waters of China are rich and laden with 100’s of species of gamefish. The fish are literally “here for the picking!”.
	Shop the many street markets for fresh foods! When we say fresh, we mean prepared and usually still alive fresh! Dogs, cats, raccoons, whatever you don’t want, we got it! Come and get it before it crawls away!
Come and view a favorite country pastime: Screaming at Donkey! You think you are up to the challenge?
	Visit many of the factory clothing outlets! Here at our equal opportunity sweatshops…err…facilities we kick out the latest clothing for all the hottest manufacturers!We also sell the underage girls; all offers considered.Ask for Chang.
For you Criminal Justice students and COPS buffs, you will be amazed by the awesome power of the Red Guard. Witness the random public beatings and torture. Bamboo splints under the fingernails is still a favorite; you have to see it to believe its effectiveness!Be careful not to get to close though…your Democratic ideals are not welcome here!
View the Chinese architecture at its best. Frank Lloyd Wright would be jealous for sure!
Suburbs - View the quaint yet opulent homes in this upscale Shanghai neighborhood.
	City center - The lights and flowing curves of the beautiful Xiolang Li Skyscraper (visible in the right on the picture).
Behold the Art and Literature of China’s rich history.
	Sculpture- The timeless methods of terra cotta are still practiced today.
Painting- Impressionism, neoclassicism, symbolism, and even the cubists theories can be seen in works of the many galleries and museums of China.
	Classic Written Work- Read about China’s magnificent history or chuckle about the musings of the disgraceful Chiang Kai-Shek and his unsuccessful silly antics. Our libraries contain the works of thousands of Communist Party approved novels and non-fictions.
But this is only a start…the wonders of China are too many to list here! One and a half billion people can’t be wrong, can they?
For more information, please contact Ruko the Wonder Dog.

Fuck you Wyoming!!
As angryromanian.com approaches it’s first anniversary, not a single visit has originated from Wyoming.
WTF!!??
Every other state in the union has had the common sense to take a stroll through our tasteful memoir. Who could possibly resist timely essays on strippers, homicidal worms, juicy assed teenagers, and wacky Vietnam veterans dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool in public places?
After extensive research (4 minutes on Wikipedia) I was able to put certain theories, as to why Wyomingites have avoided out site, to rest.

I have discovered:

• There are people in Wyoming - 515,004 of them, almost enough people to populate Manhattan below 23rd street.
• There is internet connectivity in Wyoming - In fact, high speed internet providers offer service to most of Wyoming.
• There are literate people in Wyoming - Actually, 99% of Wyomingites are literate enough to read the witty repartee available at angryromanian.com.

So what’s the deal Wyoming? I don’t want to hear any lame assed excuses.

Consider this:

• 87 Frenchmen took a moment from their busy schedules of ridiculing American tourists and endurring Islamic riots to visit angryromanian.com. - No visits from Wyoming though.
• 3 Saudi Arabians risked life and limb to view the site, despite the dangers of surfing American websites within the boarders of a strict Islamic theocracy that punishes women that are gang raped- Still, no brokeback Wyoming cowboys bothered to visit.
• 1 person in Ghana, where the average citizen earns $274 a year, took the time out of his/her squalid life to get a chuckle out of our site. - No one is boomtown Casper (population 49664) could take a moment out of their exciting day of watching tumbleweed blow down Main Street to give us a look.
• 4 Taiwanese visited Angryromanian despite 2 billion pissed off Chinese breathing down their necks on a daily basis. - No angry Chinese in Wyoming, just angry Republicans. Still, no traffic.
• 37 Mississippians came to the site, and nobody can fucking read in that (red)neck of the woods. - In my opinion this must mean the good folks of Mississippi are a hell of a lot smarter than you fucks in Wyoming.

And so, Wyoming, let it be known that we here at angryromanian.com are at war with you!! Don’t expect any mercy. We will strike when you least expect. We will come at you from land, sea (yes I know Wyoming is landlocked), and air. Shock and awe motherfuckers!!!! Watch your asses!!!!!

P.S. (for anyone reading this at the Department of Homeland Security or at the NSA - This is just a joke - get it? - Hahaha - Please don’t send us to Guantanamo. I repeat - this is only a joke - we are all white and gainfully employed so please understand this is just a joke. There is no jihad on Wyoming.(but they do suck) ?

You can’t ignore the headlines. It seems as if almost every day there is a new incident involving the police and the use of stun guns. A simple google search provided ample evidence that tasering has become a serious national issue. Go to YouTube and you can view dozens of incidents, most of them involving campus security personnel.

There are two types of campus security -

1. Real Campus Police - They carry guns and can arrest your drunken ass. From my experience these guys are pretty level headed and calm. They can shoot students who pose a deadly threat and therefore that sort of threat nearly never arises. For every other situation they depend on their reasoning skills to navigate the various situations they encounter.

2. Campus Security guards- by definition these guys are nothing but a pack of pussies who failed the police entrance exam and are forced to play babysitter to rich kids who will soon be out-earning then 10 to 1. Campus security guards are notorious for harassing students for silly shit and reveling in the harrowing task of writing parking tickets. An exception to this exists on campuses that offer a criminal justice program. Guards at these schools are typically in the program and take their job seriously as it is a stepping stone toward a career.

I would like to make the argument that taser guns should not be given to either group.

Campus Police already carry a gun for extreme situations. However, just the presence of their firearm earns them a level of respect that ought to give them the upper hand in most situations. Giving these guys stun guns will only make them lazy. Instead of using their conflict resolution skills they will simply stun drunk students that give them a hard time. Although this makes for great YouTube material, students should not be subjected to 80,000 watts for asking a cop “hey don’t you have a Dunkin Donuts to protect piggy?”. Nor should a taser be an acceptable alternative method to dragging a drunken frat boy from a car that he was driving in reverse at 40 miles per hour across the provost’s front lawn.

Campus security guards should also never be issued stun guns. These bitter hacks have survived for decades with walkie-talkies and mag-lights as their only weapon. The last thing a college campus needs is a bunch of over-caffeinated police academy dropouts carrying “non lethal” stun guns that are responsible for at least 147 deaths in the United States since 2000. These bozos should stick to writing parking tickets and call the real police for everything else.

Before you give me the old “we live in increasingly dangerous times” lecture let me expose the proliferation of stun guns for what it is - a profit making crusade by stun gun manufacturers. They rushed these things to market before properly testing them and now people are dying. I think it is about time the police went back to the good old days of beating people and leave the high tech gadgets to the harmless nerds and geeks of our society.

In the misspent Halloweens of my youth many pumpkins were smashed, windows soaped, and bags of candy snatched. There were several basic techniques involved in stealing the candy of little ghosts, goblins, and princesses. These included the snatch and bolt, the slit bag, and the straight forward “hey you little turd, give me your candy or else” trick. In my neighborhood it was survival of the fittest, fastest, and most importantly, survival of the friends of Kurt Wallace, a sixth grader with a beard, size 13 Jordan’s, and standardized test scores that could single handily lose any elementary school their No Child Left Behind subsidies. Alas, the coming of age ritual of snatching candy bags has been co-opted by George Bush, Dick Cheney, and their neo-conservative operatives.

The process of snatching the candy from small children has taken a sinister and hi-tech turn. Warentless wiretaps of the homes of subversive children have revealed the planning of pagan Halloween rituals. Here is the transcript of one such conspiratorial conversation:

Tommy: Hey Jimmy, my mom is bringing me and my sister over to your house at six to go trick-or-treating.

Jimmy: Do we have to bring your sister; she’s such a pain in the ass.

Tommy: Yeah, but we can ditch her like last year.

Jimmy: Nice, see you at six.

Once an obvious terrorist islamofascist plot like this is revealed the Department of Homeland Security leaps to action – intent on depriving these Taliban sympathizers the spoils of their plot. At 6:15 a black SUV follows Jimmy and Tommy as they collect their bounty. At 7:37, with candy bags bulging, the terrorists head for home, when suddenly five heavily armed Blackwater operatives burst from the SUV, grab the boys, and speed off. Tommy and Jimmy are handcuffed, blindfolded, and taken to an Air Force base. Their candy is confiscated, but this is not enough in these dangerous times.

The boys are flown to a secret prison in Romania where they are stripped of there clothes and forced to watch reruns of teletubbies until they are babbling mindlessly like, like – ah – well - teletubbies.

Meanwhile, back in the United States Jimmy and Tommy’s parents are in a state of panic. Local authorities are directed by the NSA not to waste their time searching for the boys, but will say no more. The parents are confronted with the fact that with the repeal of habeas corpus, their children could be anywhere, could have been seized by any number of government agencies, and they are left with no recourse.

In Romania, White House approved “soft” interrogation tactics reveal Jimmy and Tommy are part of an operation much larger than the extorting of candy from local residents and funneling of the proceeds to Syrian terrorist camps. After six hours of waterboarding, Tommy admits that he is in-fact the owner of the Willy Wonka chocolate factory, and has indoctrinated over 200 oompa-loompa’s . Jimmy, after losing seven toenails, three fingertips, and his left ear, added that he and Tommy had conspired with Gene Wilder, the factories original owner, in converting the factory to an IED production facility.

For these crimes the boys are tried before an impromptu military tribunal, and sentenced to death by Blackwater target shooting.

Three weeks later their bodies wash up in the Tigris River, missing their jawbones and fingers, making any attempt to identify them impossible. Not that anyone would care anyways since they were assumed to be Iraqis.

Back home the boys’ disappearance is attributed, by Fox News, to Hillary Clinton’s proposed health care plan. Gene Wilder and all the Baldwin brothers are sent to Gitmo for reprogramming, and the alleged downtown San Francisco site of the Willy Wonka munitions factory is nuked.

Happy Halloween !!!

Based on President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s visit to Columbia University you could say that he is smoking some sort of crack laced with uranium. Let’s take a quick look at some of his remarks. “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” and “In Iran we do not have this phenomenon [homosexuality], I don’t know who has told you that we have it.” Publicly denying homosexuals is only his was of trying to appease his religious radical boss (see Ali Khamenei) and piss off everyone else with that horse shit. What he meant to say was that he scared them into hiding to avoid persecution, imprisonment, torture, and death.

Then he stated that the Holocaust was just a theory, open to debate and research. Those statements were a direct attack at the emotions of the Jewish people. When confronted about Jews he replied: “We love all people, We are friends of the Jews. There are many Jews living peacefully in Iran.” Bullshit. Again he is deluded and is kissing Khamenei’s ass. Furthermore, he explained that Iran did not recognize Israel “because it is based on ethnic discrimination, occupation and usurpation, and it consistently threatens its neighbors.” Perhaps that’s why Iran funds Palestinian extremists and endorses the destruction of Israel. That however is somewhat true, it was widely suspected and then confirmed that Israel tortures Palestinians once they are captured. If you want a source Google it and the other evil shit the Jews do as well.

You have to applaud Columbia University for creating a forum where you can here everything coming from the source. However, I do not think that Lee Bollinger should have been such a hostile host. Ask your questions nicely and let the man speak he does not need your help to prove to everyone he is insane and evil. Mr. Bollinger suggested that he was “a petty and cruel dictator” that he was “either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated.” That was not necessary. Ahmadinejad replied eloquently to that by saying that:

“In Iran, tradition requires when you invite a person to be a speaker, we actually respect our students enough to allow them to make their own judgment, and don’t think it’s necessary before the speech is even given to come in with a series of complaints to provide vaccination to the students and faculty. Nonetheless, I shall not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment.”

All those remarks only fueled the Iranian people’s disrespect/hatred for the West. Because that is precisely what they admire in him, his defiance. For better or worst Mr. Imadinnerjacket is their leader, do not attack him, let him dig his own grave. And being the monster and lunatic that he is, he will.

This could have been a story about that special loved one, family member, or teammate that just makes life worth living; it’s not. This is about that person that exists in everyones life, a parasitic leech attached to someone you care about or a person that is malicious towards you for no reason. You may or may not know this person but they are talking shit about you right now. This virus manifests themselves differently for each person so we will spare details and cut directly to the solution.

My proposal is simple: extend a woman’s right to choose. Extend that right to society as a whole, and to a term of at least however many years and however many months old that cunt may be right now. This is necessary because those conniving individuals have somehow missed their appointment with fate, as a puddle of flesh and blood, on the floor of Examining Room #7 of Planned Parenthood.

Unfortunately, at this late date this “procedure” can no longer be performed by a pill, fancy surgical vacuum cleaner, or the preferred method in the early days of our Republic, the rusty coat hanger. So instead, every municipality should to have a dedicated pack of vicious, starved, inbred, ritualistically tortured Doberman pincers. Upon a proper filing of grievance with the local authorities, this pack of rabies infected mutts will be unleashed upon their target, freeing you and your loved one from unnecessary drama and misery.

Perhaps this may seem too drastic or crude. Then instead next time you see a pregnant bitch, who looks like they are going to give birth to a fucking useless excuse for a human being. Kick them in the stomach.

“The White House will allow key presidential aide Karl Rove and former counsel Harriet Miers to be interviewed by committees probing the firings of U.S. attorneys, but they will not testify under oath, Rep. Chris Cannon says.” - CNN.com

I’m glad to see our Latin American neighbors think George Bush is as big of a scum bag as we do. In fact, based on the violent protests that have greeted the Commander in Cheat everywhere his plane lands, it could be argued he is more reviled there, or it may be were too busy ordering lowfat lattes and arguing over the NCAA Men’s basketball tournament to take notice of the autocratic nature of the nation in which we now reside. In Colombia, a decoy motorcade was sent out to draw out would-be assassination attempts. Do you suppose they played roca, tijeras, papel to choose drivers for the assignment? Because of security concerns the president only stayed in Colombia for seven hours. Come on — Sting can have sex longer than seven hours for Christ’s sake. Also, you would think Colombians would have more respect for a guy that was once a regular consumer of one of the nations top exports. My guess is our illustrious leader will be relieved to return to the friendly confines of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but only if some aide or another is smart enough to hide all the guns from Dick.