As the Christmas/Chanukah/Eid Al Adha/Kwanza/Whatthefuckever approaches, I always find myself increasingly annoyed by some people’s display of holiday cheer. While I personally dislike the holiday time immensely, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with showing some spirit…to a point. There are a whole lot of you assbags however, that really don’t know when you have taken it too far.

Now before I go into my rant, this post will apply mostly to certain celebrators of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza. You know why I like the Muslims? Because for their December holiday (Eid Al Adha, or Kurban Bayram? for all of you Turks that frequent angryromanian) they slaughter a lamb and then eat lamb chops. No decorations, no wrapping paper, no bullshit- just kill and eat. The sacrificial slaughter tends to really piss off PETA, but who gives two shits what they think anyways. Overall, Eid Al Adha sounds like my kind of celebration.

For the rest of you who insist on sprucing up trees and other shit around the yard, I have compiled a simple guide to prevent you from overdoing it this year.

Too Many Fucking Decorations - Extremists are always wrong. That includes those of you that take decorating your house/lawn to the fucking max. NASA doesn’t need to see your house from space. Besides you, the only people that really like this is your power company. My neighbors are guilty of this. You would think that Las Vegas was recently built right next door to my house. Unfortunately, prostitutes have not been attracted by the lights; only decrepit old people. I hate decrepit old people.

Inflatable Vinyl Holiday Things - These things are not cute, they are not clever, and the only time I like these is when they are deflated on the ground. Inflatable decorations should be left to frat parties and lonely men unable to find a real companion. Please stop putting these in front of your houses.

Stop Decorating Ugly Trees- I know that Charlie Brown Christmas was an epic Christmas cartoon, but that doesn’t justify throwing lights and glitter on every fucking tree on your god damn yard. Everywhere I go I see this. You should all be very careful…one of these years, that tree you annually load up with glass balls and lights is going to unroot itself, get a World Gym membership, and stick one of its branches up your ass for all of those years of degradation.

Decorating Shit That Shouldn’t Be Decorated - Stop putting a buttload of lights or other holiday cheer shit on crazy crap sitting in your yards. The big red bow on the mailbox, obnoxious wreaths on toolsheds, negro lawn jockeys decked in Christmas cheer, etc…this shit needs to stop. I’ve seen it all and I’m fucking tired of it.

I hope that this little guide has enlightened at least one of you, but probably not.

I should start this post off with a warning… It may offend jew..Err.. I mean - you. My ideas are not all that shocking to most, but to a more orthodox thinker, they may come off as offensive or even anti-Semitic. I have no ill will for people of the Jewish persuasion. I think those little skull caps are adorable and I do have a fondness for circumcised cock. But again, to clarify, I mean no ill will, I simply write to entertain.

There was a hilarious story in the news the other day regarding an upscale grocery store in New York City. Balducci’s, in an effort to increase sales in its meat department, posted a sign in front of their spiral cut hams reading, “Delicious for Chanukah.” If you’re not familiar with Jewish dietary law you would think, no big deal. However, for the 98% of Americans who don’t live under a rock, it is widely known that eating any pork products is a big no-no for our Hebrew friends and neighbors.

At dinner that night, with a few of my Angry Romanian friends, I mentioned this story and they found it as amusing as I did. Some interesting points were raised about the validity of dietary law and the ascension into heaven. Would St. Peter turn you away for the pearly gates for eating bacon?

I can see the historical validity in these dietary laws, but I think modern times render them pretty silly. Leviticus, (the book of the bible that should have been lost) chapter 11 tells us that certain animals are considered clean, while others are unclean. Ok, so why is this distinction made? My theory, which I doubt is at all groundbreaking, is that clean animals were least likely to cause sickness if improperly stored or prepared. Beef is relatively easy to dry and cook. The only time it is really risky to consume beef is when it is ground and then not cooked properly. Pork on the other hand is a breeding ground for bacteria. Shellfish is also seen as unclean and is a prime cause of food poisoning.

Leviticus also has a few other fun rules for people to live by. These ones, however, are a bit more taxing then simply avoiding a sausage biscuit. Clothing that is constructed with multiple fabrics is a no-no. If you’re a woman don’t even think about buying tampons. Ladies, get out of Dodge and go sit on a clump of moss until your menses has subsided, (oh!) and then sacrifice a dove. No self respecting JAP (Jewish American Princess) is going to do this. Why do Jew’s get to pick and choose which parts of Leviticus are law?

I almost forgot my favorite, Leviticus 20:13, the infamous anti-gay verse. Historically, cleanliness certainly wasn’t next to godliness, and people were walking germ factories. I know today if I choose to “get my gay on”, I make sure my stuff is as clean as possible. Thousands of years ago if you had some butt sex, the health risks from rampant bacteria needed to be considered.

So, as I see it, Leviticus is kind of like the bible’s health manual. A 2000 year old health manual!! How would you feel if all the books and medical journals in you doctor’s office were written in, let’s say, 1840? What if you went to the hospital for vomiting and diarrhea and the staff prescribed blood letting and leeches? Same holds true with the whole pork thing. So this Hanukkah season consider trying the other white meat, it is delicious.

-Jesse

Many thanks to Jesse for his guest submission. You can find out more about him here.

This Van will kick your ass. You think I’m playing? Why do you think it’s in that cage? Chuck Norris himself is scared of this van. This van once killed 5 armed Turks with its own hands. This van got shot 5 times in Nam, and still laughs about it. This van pulls a 10.2 in the quarter. On diesel. And it has a gasoline engine.This van makes corvette owners feel like they have a small penis. Again. In mother Russia, you do not drive van. Van kills you and your entire family. This van would roundhouse your girlfriend’s face for wearing makeup (vans hate makeup). There is also new evidence to suggest that this van may also be directly involved in the Sobe scandal.

Okay. Seriously. You think that’s ridiculous? I agree. Nearly as ridiculous as putting a beat to shit van in a tight chainlink fence-cage. What functional purpose does this cage serve? It’s not going to stop the van from getting egged (this is a big thing up here…I’ve been egged 4 times in the past year and a half). It’s not going to keep the van protected from the shitty Northeast weather. *if* somebody wanted to steal this van, a chain link fence isn’t going to stop them…not in a desolate, unlit parking lot. That’s besides the point though. It’s a rusted 1988 Dodge B350 van. A crackhead wouldn’t steal this van if it was unlocked and the keys were in it. At night. In Compton.

A friend of mine suggested that the cage is there to protect against rogue basketballs. I considered this, until I drove by the place to see the portable basketball hoop in the picture at the other end of the parking lot, where a game of 3 on 3 was in progress. So much for that theory.

Its paranoia like this that induces violence. I wouldn’t have paid a bit of attention to this van if it wasn’t for the cage around it. Now I have this urge to fuck with it. I’m not going to though. It’s a church van…I don’t need that kind of bad karma.