For the past three days, Angry Romanian.com has been down due to a terrorist attack, launched by a small faction of the Russian Mafia known as Luidy Chorniye (which is roughly translated to “black dudes” I am told). Luckily, the attackers mistook Angry Romanian.com for a Romanian mail order bride website http://www.romanianmates.com/, which has been in direct competition with several Russian Mail Order Bride websites for some time.
Once the attackers realized their mistake, they wrote an apology via our Contact Form, promised to send some Borsch, and invited us to come and take part in a favorite Russian pastime called Solvoskenvskyeelan, which is essentially a naked snowball fight using frozen kitten heads instead of snowballs. I don’t really understand the concept myself, but who am I to judge a foreign culture? I figure it has to be similar to games played in the White House, so I figure I’ll give it a try.
With that being said, plan to see some big changes coming in the next month for Angry Romanian, including (but not limited to) more Spider Monkey videos (as requested by users), the release of Rob’s complete and unabridged novel about his recent colonoscopy, and the assassination of the only 3 benevolent DMV office clerks in the United States. Why you ask? Well, because we are Angry Romanian, and we know you expect nothing less.
-XOXOXOXO
Ruko the Wonder Dog
Analytics is the best, or so I thought. What better web tracking tool is out there? With only a few clicks I can survey key stats like visitors, pageviews, bounce rate, and geographical location of visitors. Also available is useless minutia like visitor connection speed, screen resolution and browser used. (It’s hard to believe 42.18% of you weenies still use Internet Explorer)
Frankly, I’ve become somewhat addicted to Analytics, staring like a zombie at my screen, hoping the wealth of data at my disposal will somehow unlock the secrets of how to lure millions of readers to our Angry Romanian world.
Surely, I reasoned, there is a large demographic out there looking for our brand of witty humor with a sophomoric twist. Already we have grown from a site that no one outside of our little clique read to an entity that attracts hundreds of readers a day from around the world. I assumed that our ever increasing popularity derived from the quality of our content and from word-of-mouth.
Unfortunately, Analytics has ruined all of this, thanks to a handy report called keywords. The keyword report lets you know what your readers typed into their browser to reach your site. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? Wrong! I’ve now come to realize that the web is nothing but a enabler for greasy handed googlers to get their groove on. Sorry about the alliteration, but it’s true. Here is but a sampling of the keywords used to reach our site:
romanian whore
butt sex
romanian pornstars
romanian porn
nasty girl sex
hand fucking (hand release - I like!!)
pork sex (no Jews allowed)
“girl on girl”
“hot lesbian porn”
“my first time” “going to fit” “he was” (This is apparently porn for Yoda)
‘anal seepage’ (Yummy)
are romanian men nice (no!!!)
child horny rape
chuck norris phedophile (duh!)
dog licking peanut butter off penis (no comment)
fuck 12 yrs old child xxx (I bet this guy is a hit at kids birthday parties)
The list goes on and on, but I’m sure you get the point by now. And although these kind of keywords only represent a small fraction of our traffic, it proves, nonetheless, that the world is a scary place. At least for 12 year old Romanian, girl on girl, hand fucking, anal seepage, butt sex, whores!!!
